Birthparents asked for support...What to do?

You should be concerned about this, what worries me is if you help the bparents financially this time how many times are they going to keep coming back for more help. Sorry if this sounds heartless I don't mean to be - I'm a bmum but I would never have asked his parents for help. Surely they can get help from other means, as I'm British I don't know what agencies can help them. I can understand you wanting to keep communication open with them and you are so thoughtful by doing so. On the other hand boundaries do need to be drawn on what help you do give them. It is a generous thing you have done but the best advice I can give is to seek independant advice on this one. Hope everything turns out for the best but make sure you do what's right for you and your family. Montravia :)

I can understand your desire to help. No one wants to see their kids birthparents struggling. Gift cards to places like Meijer are a good idea. (Do you have Meijers? I don't shop Walmart, but it's something like that.) You do want to be cautious though. (As you would with any family member asking for money.) Maybe helping them find resources in their area would be more beneficial in the long run. If you need help doing that feel free to pm me. Did they give you any details on why they are struggling? That might give you a better idea of what resources they can tap into. I would also wait to tell them you feel uncomfortable with it. If it is a one time thing it could be damaging to your relationship. It's a hard position to be in.

Thanks for the reply. I think they are mostly struggling as a result of bad choices and very poor role modeling growing up. Our kids were adopted through fc and they were given lots of resources and assistance over the (almost) 2 years they were in care. I think it took me so off guard. I have no doubt that they have scammed people in the past, but they have always been so kind/respectful toward us, as we have to them. I am not naive, and I have no intention of going down the slippery slope, but would like to keep a good relationship with them for the kids sake. I would really like to be prepared for when/if this happens again.

tlc...finally found this thread. LOL. I have gone through this same issue with Teagans bmom. As you know our adoption is not final yet. Bmom used to call quite frequently asking for money, saying she was hungry or needed bus fare etc. Ofcourse I would never see anybody go hungry if I could help it, so I repeatedly gave her small amounts of cash every time she asked. ( about 10 times) I never felt comfortable with it, felt like I was buying her because I was scared that if I didn't give in to her, that bmom might cause trouble with the adoption. I tried to tell myself that I was doing it because I WANTED to and that I was doing it for Teagan. I would never want him to know that I let his bmom go hungry!!! Maybe I was doing it for all these reasons. About 2 months ago, I gave bmom 50.00 the day before court. She said she had no shoes or busfare to get to court. The day of court bmom was so high that court was adjourned. I don't know if my money paid for the drugs, but I assume they did. Nobody suspected that bmom did drugs or I would never have given her money ever. About 2 weeks later bmom again called saying she had no food, apologising for her behaviour at court etc, said she was just so stressed with loseing her son. This time I met her at the local coffee shop with a bag of groceries from my own cupboard, as well as some contact numbers for places that feed and clothe those that can't afford to do so on their own. My stomache was in knots. I didn't want to insult her, and I definately was afraid to "rock the boat". I was very nice to her and her to me, but I could tell she was disappointed to get canned goods and a package of frozen meat. She wanted the money.Bmom still calls, but has not asked for money (or anything else) since that day. Without me saying a word, she got the message. I think I handled the situation well. I sleep at night. It's okay to help anybody, bmom or complete stranger. I think IMO you did the right thing by offering gas/groceries. Did they take you up on your offer? Did they just want the money? It is a tough call, but only you know whats right for you and your family. All the best to you....hope I helped. Warm Wishes.......Teagans Mama

Teagans Mama, I think you dealt with a difficult situation well, it must have been so hard for you. If a bmum/bparents need help I haven't a problem with it and there is nothing wrong with helping them but it must be awkward being put into this situation. Philippa

I agree with the others, and understand the dueling loyalties/emotions going on inside you. I have nothing worth adding to the others in regard to that. One thing did jump out at me that no one else has mentioned. Could it be that the interest isn't the children, but the money, and they are using that angle (we *might* be ready to see them) to pull on your heart strings? It would be awful if that were the case, but I would be weary. They haven't ever called. They haven't wanted to see the kids. All of a sudden they call and say they want you to give them money. Oh, and maybe they'll see the kids, too. You, wanting your kids to see them (I am assuming by reading between the lines) and have a good relationship with them, are going to naturally hope that they are coming around. But the alignment of things being so bad that they need YOU to support them, and the promise to do something you want in return (see the kids), seems fishy. I would worry what would happen when the money dried up.

Dana - I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with this situation. I can understand how your loyalties would be divided and you, as a good and caring person, would want to help someone in need..... However... I don't think it's a good idea for you to start this, they may expect it as a practice and you already know that's not a good idea. I like the idea of giving them a list of places that you think could help them, food pantry, heating assistance whatever. If it would make you feel better, you could send them a care package with the letters and pictures.... maybe a box with homemade cookies or breads, a canned ham that doesn't need to be refrigerated, pasta and some fruit. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Thank you all.....Ladybugz, your post was exactly what my worst fear is, and deep in my heart what I believe was going on. I do think something good came from it though. The kids grandparents have adopted their sibs, and we are beginning to have a relationship with them. When I met their bp's last week I was able to tell bdad that his dad had told me while he didn't agree with all his son's choices he was still his son and he would always love him. I got a call from bdad's dad this weekend and bdad called him. They have not spoken in months and he was very excited that he had initiated a call. He also told me that he told his son (bdad) that he should not have asked us for money and he didn't think we should make a habit of bailing him out. I am hopeful that they can mend their relationship, because I feel like the grandparents could be a huge emotional support to them. Right now I am feeling better about what I did, but I know that I cannot continue and you guys have helped me be prepared for when it happens again....because I'm sure it will.

I hope this doesn't all of a sudden show all three attempts I've made at responding! :p Anywho... what I'm trying to say is:Kudos to you for handling such a heavy emotional issue with your head up high! You are a wonderful example to the little ones, and a great Mommy! (And woohoo about the grandparents/siblings! What a blessing!)