Can you give me examples of your OA?

Our Family has been Foster to Adopt Family since March of 2000. Personally, I would only recommend contact if Mom agrees and follows through to Counseling?? Otherwise, you will continue to have a 'Divided Family Unit'. Also, I am questioning your one visit per year? How long and where would your parameters be in the contract?? Could Mom take them out of State ie Hawaii or Disney?? Again, if Mom is only following through continuously with Counseling. I would write these into or spell out in your Contract?? I am not sure how old your Kids are? Have you consulted them? What are their feelings please?? If they are not mature enough to make this type of decision Today? What are your Future thoughts or Advocacy then please??

Excellent point about counseling. The kids are 2, 6, and 10, and the 2 older ones have expressed that they want to see her. The baby gets excited when it is time for a visit as well. They are emotionally exhausting for them but I think it would be traumatic to just stop all together. And we would stipulate that the one visit a year be supervised by us, somewhere public. Thank you for the suggestions/food for thought!

If you are in a position not to do a OA then consider offering contact on your terms, no agreement, after finalization with the understanding that she must be respectful of the adoption and any and all visits will be supervised, no private conversations. You can take it slow and see where it goes.

Agree on not having a contract, or just putting in the bare minimum you think you can do for the next 16 years. You can't just think about what will work right now, but when the kids are teenagers as well. Just remember since it is enforceable, what are you going to do down the line when the kids dont want to visit? Or you move out of state? Or the kids are too busy for the phone call? For my kids, birthdays and holidays are already triggers. Do you really want that to be more stressful? For our situation, (similar to yours, bio mom never accepted usas their family), I said I would do updates/photos twice a year. I would be open to more contact later when the kids are ready. All mail could go to a PO Box, and I set up an email that bio mom still doesn't use. And I had stipulations on what mom could/could not say (no: "I'll see you soon", "I miss you so much", "I'm so sorry youre in this situation" (all these were triggers for AD); had to refer to us as their parents, respect the name change, etc). If she didn't then I let her know I could stop contact. AD is now 10 and has memories of her birth mom (was 5.5 when she came into care, hasn't seen her since). She is more open to writing letters, etc with bio mom than AS6. She sends things about once a month or so. It is nice, but still overly gushy baby talk. It is enough for the kids without sending them spiraling out of control. And if I know they are having a hard time, I can just put it away until I think they are ready.

Given the kid's already have a relationship with their BM and have expressed an interest in continuing, I'd work very hard to figure out how to accommodate them (which is what i did). otherwise, at some point, they will see you as the person who took their mom away That said, there are many conditionals you can put in place. I'd be glad to send you a copy of my OA is you PM your email address Things to consider 1) What type of access is permitted? * email directly * email to you * email from you * phone calls * supervised visitation * unsupervised visitation 2) how are visits precipitated (BM should be the one to drive the request; so you aren't chasing someone who moved on) 2a) how much advanced notice required 3) How often can visits occur? 3a) how long are visits 4) Where are visits? 5) who incurs the costs of the visits? 6) who can be present at the visit? 7) what is unacceptable at visits 7a) comments 7b) name titles (do they reinforce you as mom?) 7c) sobriety? 7d) gifts 7e) snacks 8) cancellation policy? 8a) how long to wait if BP is not there on time? 8b) what will happen if no shows occur? 9) What will happen if the above needs are not met? 9a) visit end prematurely 9b) future visits at risk

I second Wcurry66 on her post. It is important to lay your ground rules out clearly and in writing so that there is no miscommunication about what is expected from her. Don't have visits, phone calls or any other communication with her on any important holidays as those types of days are more likely to cause the kids grief than anything else. Before the main holidays is ok, but the closer it gets to the actual day isn't. I would also recommend a significant period of time(at least 6 months) after TPR/adoption in which there is no communication between the kids and her. This gives them time to become accustom to life without the constant reminder of what was and replaces it with the promise of what is now and will be. It just gives them some time to adjust to the new life they will have. Birthday cards or presents would be ok, but not phone calls or visits.

Since it is legally enforceable, I would agree to the least possible in writing. I would also make sure it is very specific, leaving no room for misinterpretation. I absolutely would have a period of no physical contact and limited contact with the children themselves. I would push it as far out as you can (at least in writing). I think that building a relationship with them myself, offering openness, and giving everyone a "rest," is what really helped everyone come to accept what is. I also think it helped certain people learn to take responsibility. In the end, my children's first family (bio parents and extended family) have come to support us as the children's family and the children firmly see us as where they are and will be and belong.I cannot imagine requiring counseling, sobriety (though sober during visits is reasonable), etc. Those things would require a level of policing I'm not willing to do. Additionally, I don't believe that we can force a person to be where they need to be regarding that. And then there is the consequence. If there is benefit to at least some openness (I believe there is and obviously it is a consideration for your children also), then the consequence would be inappropriate. JMO...

Since it is legally enforceable, I would agree to the least possible in writing. I would also make sure it is very specific, leaving no room for misinterpretation. I absolutely would have a period of no physical contact and limited contact with the children themselves. I would push it as far out as you can (at least in writing). I think that building a relationship with them myself, offering openness, and giving everyone a "rest," is what really helped everyone come to accept what is. I also think it helped certain people learn to take responsibility. In the end, my children's first family (bio parents and extended family) have come to support us as the children's family and the children firmly see us as where they are and will be and belong. I cannot imagine requiring counseling, sobriety (though sober during visits is reasonable), etc. Those things would require a level of policing I'm not willing to do. Additionally, I don't believe that we can force a person to be where they need to be regarding that. And then there is the consequence. If there is benefit to at least some openness (I believe there is and obviously it is a consideration for your children also), then the consequence would be inappropriate. JMO...