Power struggles

[font=Comic Sans MS]I have not been in your shoes as far as a foster child acting this way, but I have seen it with our nephews when they come to stay for the summer.The best thing to do is, be a unified front! Make darn sure he cannot "divide and conquer"!! Be consistent! Even if it hurts you!! I have found that when we're in the thick of it, it's almost harder on me! But you have to react the same EVERY time!!When an issue comes up, have your husband respond without any emotion. Make your voice totally monotone. There is a chance your son is trying to get a reaction out of your dh.It's so very hard! It will take time!!![/font]

Hello AmyAnne, For what it is worth, this is what worked for us. My husband and I found ourselves in a simular situation not too long ago...some of the things we did were along the lines of tough love - but it got the point across. We do not put up with power struggles in this house. We are foster to adopt, and took in a sib group of 3 boys (then 7, 3 and 1). The 7 year old was the oldest (out of 6 sibs). He was very 'false charming' and was used to being the one in control. He seemed to bond to me (which surprised me, as his mother and her boyfriend had abused him) and 'ignore' my husband. (Later, we realized that he was 'threatened' by my husband's authority and had labled me as a softie.) The 7 year old was used to being the 'parent' and was constantly trying to control everything around him.In the beginning, when we stepped in to gently 'remind' him that he was the child, we were the adults and would take care of his brothers, he reluctantly stopped. Yet we could tell he was just waiting...trying to get a 'read' on us, looking for our weaknesses and getting ready to strike back. It was 6 months later, (when bio dad entered the scene) that he decided to start. We are talking MAJOR POWER STRUGGLES. This young boy led an all out assult that did not end until we had him removed, 14 months later. This boy was good at head games, manipulation, and outright lying. I can't even count how many times this kid tried to pit my husband and I against each other. Our best defense was COMMUNICATION. We were a true team, united on all fronts, in agreement with everything! If there was a disagreement, we had a code word we would work into the conversation that when used, that meant we needed to go in private and discuss it. There was nothing that went down with the boy that we did not know about. We kept a notebook, we used the phone, etc. No decision was made without us talking it over first. This was alot of work, but it sure took alot of wind out of that boy's power struggles. There was also "NO SECRETS" between parents and children. Zero. Zilch. None. Nada. Not even 'happy good' secrets. This was quite effective, as that is how the 7 year old used to 'blackmail' his parents. Another tactic was: THERE IS NO POWER STRUGGLE IF ONE DOES NOT ENGAGE. Sometimes walking away and ignoring the charge for control worked. You have to pick those ones carefully, as you want to make sure that when you walk away, you are taking the victory with you. Our motto was: OUR RULES and OUR MINDS NEVER CHANGED. Our yes was yes, our no was no. There was no maybe in this house. End of coversation. As for the rules, they were short, clear and to the point. No ifs, ands or buts. Conciquences are in black and white - there are no shades of grey (again, something he used to be able to twist with his family.) Also, be prepared to follow through on all forms of disapline. Just don't do mouth service. A favorite powerstruggle with the 7 year old was to 'misbehave' before a special family outing (thinking that we would cancel the event all together, therefore weilding power over our happiness). This did not work, as everytime he tried that, he was left in his room (with an adult in the house) while the rest of us had fun. Last word of what worked for us is...NEVER SHOW YOUR WEAKNESS. If your child discovers this, he will use it for all it is worth. My 'trigger' area is lying. My husbands is acting stupid on purpose for attention. There was many times he had 'hit' upon those areas, yet we did not let him know it. The more he tried to 'power struggle' with us, the more he got fustrated and failed. The power struggles had melted down to perhaps once a week b/4 we had him removed (for other reasons). Hope this gives you some food for thought - or at least a good laugh..."These people are crazy!" (Yes, we are. We are foster parents)! :D