Thanks for what you did, but you don't understand me

I know you are feeling let down, but your a parents were doing the best they could for you, they can not understand if they are not in your shoes, so its easy to say, well we won't tell him, but they will have believed that to be the best thing for you. So try not to blame them and understand them, for all your sakes.

I believe that secrets eventually come out....and often when they do, they can cause hurt to the very people they were meant to protect....I agree, openness and honesty is definetly the best road to take..... Having said that I don't believe for a minute that your parents withheld information from you to hurt you....the opposite is more likely to be true. I agree with Renda...please don't blame them...they were doing what they thought was the right thing....not many parents set out to intentionally hurt their children. I am also an adoptee, I have also been affected to a degree by secret keeping and yet I don't "blame" anyone. I was hurt, for a time, but I have worked through it...... Often if you put yourself in the other persons shoes and try to view the situation from their perspective it can help you understand their reasons as to why they didn't disclose such important information to you.....might not agree with their decision and thats absolutely ok...but perhaps it may ease some of the feelings of resentment.

Thanks for the kind words, but I had been asking my family about it since I was 14 and they just told me that I was making this all up and that I was thiers, that's what hurts the most.I gave them every chance to tell me but when they got forced to sign me up for the army or loose me they had no choice and that's when it all came out.You just have this gut feeling when you don't belong.

Shawn - Gosh, that really is tough for sure. I always grew up knowing I was adopted...(I think I might have guessed at some stage if I hadn't been told) That must have hurt you terribly and I can understand why you feel the way that you do especially if you had been asking them for many years. Its not as if they didn't have the opportunity to tell you...I'm not sure how you find a way to make sense of it all. The only thing that may help to ease the hurt a little is to think of it this way.... Your parents loved you so much that they didn't want to risk losing you should they tell you the truth. In the era that you were born ~ from what I can gather over the years on this forum and from my own experience ~ parents that adopted a child were led to believe that if they were the best parents that they could be and if they gave all their love and care to this child, then the child would have no desire to seek out their birthparent(s) Of course we all know now that an adoptees desire to search is in no way a reflection on their parents parenting skills, or lack thereof. But for a/parents of that era they were lead to believe that...its not their fault..it was the conditioning of society back then. Much the same for the birthparents who were told relinguishing was in the best interests of their child - if they were a good parent they would relinguish their child to a family with a mother and father that were married and seen to be socially acceptable. The birthparents were told, in many cases, that they could now move on with their lives and that they would forget.......how wrong they were for many birthparents out there. I know its hard when you feel secrets were kept from you, but at the end of the day, to harbour ill feeling towards your a/parents when they probably felt they were withholding this information for your best interests - and admittedly for theirs too!! - will only hurt you as bitterness and anger does tend to permeate into our day to day lives and those that are around us. Forgiveness is powerful....you don't need to forget...and to be honest I don't think we ever truly forget when we feel we have been hurt. But for your own peace and happiness do you think its worth considering forgiving your a/parents? Life can deal us all some pretty s**tty blows - its how we react to these blows that make the difference...its up to us what we do with it. A dear forum member quoted this a long time ago and you know its so wise and makes such perfect sense...we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be bettter.....better really is a nicer option don't you think?? Keep on posting Shawn...it really helps to get your thoughts down and maybe just by sharing your story and others sharing theirs's will give you some more insight. Take Care Linz :)

Thanks for the kind words and it does help, but this was a private adoption, my original birth cert. says father unknown.My mom kept me and I was adopted by the man that married my mom in 1975 thats how i got the last name meister. Thanks for the kind words---it does help

Hello there, I was also adopted by my dad but with my birthmother. I was told much later in life I was adopted but did already "know" as my dad had bright red hair and I didn't. Telling me was something they always planned on but never could find the right time or words. To me, my real father is the one that raised me, rescued me from the hill when I was too scared to climb down etc. My biological father gave me medical history that I need to know. I don't blame my parents for much as I live by the words that that they did the best they could at the time with the knowledge that they had. Not much more anyone can do terri

Terri - and that really is the best way of looking at it...I like to think the same way....its best for everyone. I liked your post!! :)

[font=Verdana]Shawn,[/font][font=Verdana]I was fortunate to be told at an early age, so early that I don't remember so I did not have to face what you did. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]I dated a girl in college for a short time that was told at 18 in a heated battle with her best friend. I have not see nor talk to here in 35 years but I do know at the time she felt as you do.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]What they did looking at it on our side of the fence is wrong. I sometimes belive that some aparents and even adoptees live in denial at times. The aparents don't want the child to know that they came from some one else. They want them to be theirs and only theirs and they keep it a secret. I know of adoptess who do not want to search. I believe they want so much for this family to be there family that they will deny that they came from some one else. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Now looking across the fence at you parents and they are your real parentes, is it worth your output of energy and emotions to be angry and unforgiving towards them.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Did they in any way abuse you, did you go hungry, when you were sick did they take care of you? Did they love you, [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Let me be blunt, Do they hold anger towards you like you do towards them when you told them a lie?[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]I hate lairs more than anything else. My last job the powers to be lied to get me fired. You know in the long run they did me a favor. Was I angry, you bet, am I now, not really, will I ever forget no, but this lie does not control me emotionally?[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]From reading you post your letting this control you to the point it may even make you sick or even kill you. Anger, bitterness and unforgivenesis can do this to someone and the thing is, your hurting only yourself and no one else. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Everyone of us who has been adopted has to forgive our bparents for rejecting us, we have to get past the lie the courts tell on our "modified birth certificate, the anger towards our aparents because they don't understand us, we are different and not like them nor are we like the nieces and nephews that look like them and their own child does not, let alone think or act like them. We have to forgive them as much as we have to our bparents and as for the aparents some of it is not their fault. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]We carry enough around being adopted. Even more for those who have not found or may never find by choice, international adoptee or, no way to seek records as in those on the orphan trains many years ago. Get rid of some of that load, it's not worth carrying and it sure isn't for those around you.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Forgiveness does not mean you like what they did, doe not me you have to even like them. Forgiveness is the act of say, okay, you blew it, you did me wrong, but I want you to know that I will no longer hold it against you, because it hurts me more then you. Forgiveness is really a selfish act but a healthy one at that. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Joe[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font]