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I am 34 weeks. This will be my third child and I am planning to place her with close friends who have battled infertility and can not afford an adoption through an agency. That is the beautiful part of the story. Here's the yucky part;
I found out I was pregnant while I was working things out with the father of my other children. I had previously been dating someone else while on our break. He of course wad aware. Even when I found out I was pregnant it was possible to be either man. However the man I was seeing has no interest in any involvement whatsoever. My children's father agreed we would raise the baby no questions. Suddenly in December at 5 months he changed the locks on the house and basically made me and his 2 children homeless. He found a new gf and has adamantly denied that there is any possibility of the child being his. He has not helped with any medical bills or had any concern whatsoever. Now suddenly at 34 weeks he tells me he doesn't think it's a good idea to adopt her out. Said that if it is his he doesn't want her to be "out there." I can kinda understand that.... but he also stated he's not prepared to take her if she is his. Sooo..... U dont want her to be adopted by a family that desperately wants her. I don't feel like it's fair to her or my two children to bring her into this mess. It's hard enough being mom and dad to my two. He doesn't support them whatsoever. What can I do here to ensure that she has the most stable life???
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A father really doesn't have a choice in whether or not to support his children. You can take him to court, and his wages can be garnished.Women who have been in your situation can offer you more support and ideas on what to doAs an adoptee, I am concerned with your viewpoint on the "beautiful part of the story." Many of us adoptees grimace at the idea of the beauty of helping an infertile couple become parents. There is an implication that we are being gifted to those parents, and a child should never be seen as something to give to someone else. (Should parents both biological and adoptive view us as special, as precious? Yes. But, we should never be seen as a present to another couple or individual.)If you decide to give your child up for adoption, please know that it is going to be a loss for your child, for you, and for your family. I'm not trying to dissuade you from choosing adoption. Only you can figure out what is best for you. But, I want you to do it knowing that even if we could know the future and know definitively that your child was going to have a much better life (however that is defined) with adoptive parents, your child will still have had a loss. I wish you the best in your decision. I can only imagine how difficult it is.
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I would suggest that you work it out with him before you even contemplate adoption. I think you have two very complex situations on your hands. Even one would be overwhelming and you have two; a potential adoption and a flip-flopping ex.
What I think is important to stress is that, regardless of how you feel about him, your ex legally has first rights to his child. And ethically as well. You may think he's a jerk for kicking you out or breaking up with you, but he still has right of first refusal.
So that stressed, I think you really need to sit down, maybe with a mediator, and figure out what is going on and he needs to make a decision one way or the other. If you aren't ready to be a parent than he has no choice but to step up if he doesn't want you to place the baby for adoption. But as you say, he cannot say that he's simply not going to take the child but he doesn't want you to put it up for adoption either. It doesn't work like that. Either he takes the baby or it goes up for adoption.
I would strongly look into mediation. It's not done through court or lawyers, it's done through basically counselors although it's often legally binding. It can be really helpful when you've often reached an impasse doing it on your own. Mediators can help push through, call people on their lies or vaguarities and really help settle things officially.
Check your phone book or local youth and family justice website.
