finally found bdaughter

Wow - I'm so sorry about the anger you had to face. I'm not sure if I can help you or not, but I'll try to give you my perspective. I am a birthdaughter who has never met my birthfather. It sounds like our circumstances are actually quite similar in that he rejected my mother, not me, and she still has A LOT of anger left (I'm 32, by the way - so time may not help). Anyway, he managed to track me down when I turned twenty-five and called me up out of the blue one day. This completely terrified me. I've never had anything against him, and believe it or not, my mom had told me nothing about him - even with all of her anger, but because the phone call was so unexpected, my knee-jerk reaction was "Nooo-scary." I tried to be very polite, but as I said, I was freaking out and ended up telling him that I just wanted to leave things as they were. I would have been much more receptive to a meeting if he had just written me a letter and we had been able to communicate that way for a while. Anyway, the moral of this story is - yes, do try to contact her. You have every right to get know her and she would probably like to get to know you. But....GO SLOWLY, especially if her parents are having a hard time with it. It sounds like you are being very considerate of everyone's feelings, and you need to stay that way. It may take a very long time for a reunion to happen, but I think that if you are patient and don't give up (without being too pushy), eventually you will be able to be a part of your daughter's life. Good luck! Jennifer

My thought is can you send a letter to where she works? (Or school). Somewhere you can be sure that she gets the letter. And give her time, lots of time. For me, reading your story, my gut reaction was - she was adopted in 1996 - where was he before then? Now, I know you said she moved around alot, and you couldn't find her, but I can see her first reaction being anger - you show up now - where were you when I was 5,6,7,8.... You may say you couldn't find her, but her answer could be - you had no problem when I turned 18, why not 8? You must be prepared for this anger (if it happens). Give her lots of time, and I hope you 2 can become a family again. (BTW, I am an adoptee) Good luck, I hope it all goes well.

I agree with spitzlvr - a letter would be the ideal way to make contact with your daughter.....from what you wrote on your post, there is no way of knowing that your daughter will actually get the note you left for her with your ex-wife.....its important that your daughter knows that you are thinking of her and that you would like contact with her. Once you send the letter and know that she has received it, you will then need to practise that quality that is called patience.....very necessary when it comes to reunion and more so, given the fact that your daughter is only 18. I wish you only the very best. I hope that the outcome is all that you would like it to be.....the most important thing is that your daughter knows that you love her and care for her and that you always have....thats all you can do. And yes, be prepared for all outcomes......as spitzlvr pointed out.....do be prepared for, where were you when I was 5,6,7,8......the question may not arise but its best to be prepared for anything and everything. I am an adoptee also. Good Luck :)

As the adult child of a biological father who chose to "abandon" my mother when I was very young, I have a couple thoughts (my opinion only) on how I would feel about your sudden contact. I was also adopted by my stepfather...never contested, nor even acknowledged by my biofather. Most of my life, we believed that he was dead...he just dropped off the face the earth, so to speak. Imagine my surprise when I met him for the first time in 2000! We talked...his story was strikingly similar to what you posted...mom moving, yada, yada... He didn't "abandon" me, just her. Well, gee! What's the difference??? Wasn't like he left a check to help her relocate, paid several months of rent on his way out, or in any other way made a noble move to assist her. We HAD to move. You posted: IMO, you sound like a "victim" who was striped of his child through the manipulation of an ex-wife. Did you file visitation requests with the courts? And why were you "unable" to contest the adoption? I'm confused. Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be. It's just that there is such a parallel to what my own biodad's explanation was, and those very words are a large part of why our "relationship" quickly fizzled out. I would have respected him so much more if he had been big enough to remove the sugar-coating and say he CHOSE to walk out...CHOSE not to fight for any rights to me, and CHOSE never to help my mother reestablish her life. But, that is MY reality, not your daughter's. And, BTW, my opinions were formed by what I learned through FACTS...not my mother's opinions. Honestly, she rarely even mentioned him. He was the one who chose to be a distant stranger. ~MissngLink

Thank you for your reply. It is hard to hear but I do understand your side. I was in the army stationed in Germany. I gave full rights to my ex-wife because if something happened to me I wanted my daughter to be taken care of. Honestly I didn't want to be married but received a beautiful little girl then felt the right thing was to get married. But that would have been the wrong reason to stay married. I tried to keep in contact with my daughter but was unable to contact her mother through phone calls and letters (they were returned undeliverable). I phoned and spoke with her mother a few times but she would discourage contact and would not relay messages. Two weeks ago I received a letter from my ex and she stated that for 2 years she did not want me to contact "L", it would confuse her. She then said I could have contacted after the adoption but I was not allowed by law. I have followed her through year books the last few years when I learned of what school she was attending and received them. I just want her to know that I think of her everyday and do know some of her life. Thanks for listening. Yes I was a wild man in the army but I do love my daughter, just not her mother.

finallyfound ~ Like MissngLinkInFL, I'm confused also. Why were you "unable to contest the adoption"? If indeed you were "unable to contest the adoption", why did you try to contact the court? Did you contact a lawyer (or Legal Aid if funds were tight)? I don't understand how you had "no success" in contacting the court if done in the proper legal manner. :confused: There are many parents in this situation, yet both remain active in their children's lives. The ones I personally know put their negative feelings for each other aside ~ at least temporarily ~ and make the child's needs the priority. In your first post on this thread you state that your bdaugher is now 20. That means she was 9 when her step-father adopted her. How is it you had no opportunity to be part of her life ~ even prior to the adoption ~ with your last contact being when she was 3? Often we need to make the opportunity ~ it is not always given to us. If her Mother was not cooperative did you take any legal action? As the Father you could have petitioned for visitation. Were you paying child support at any time? I agree with MissngLinkInFL: I met my bioFather last year and appreciate the fact that he was honest and took responsibility for his own behaviors and actions ~ or lack of actions. If you do meet your bdaughter I would be very careful not to blame her Mother for the fact that you did not remain in her life. JMO

Finally Found, I must admit, if I had read your post 15 years ago or so, I might have had a different opinion, but since I met my husband who was also in your position to some extent, I have seen the "other side" of the story....... My husband was married at 20 years old. He did love his ex-wife very much, but to make a long story short, things did not work out. He went into the service shortly after his daughters birth to try and make something of himself for his wife and his daughter. While he was away, and sending home paychecks, his wife was "entertaining" other men. When he returned and found out, he tried to make a go of it, but it didn't work out. She was pretty much engaged before the divorce was ever final and my husband ended up having Saturday visits for a year or so. His daughter was very young (around 3 years old) and was very confused by the situation. She called both my husband and the new man dad, and was very confused. Of course, my husband was young and not the most responsible person in the world at the time (this was 25 years ago), but he did love his daughter with all his heart. It got to the point where it was extremely painful for him to see her confusion about who "daddy" really was. There was a lot of pressure from her family for him to "do the right thing" by his daughter and sign away his rights so that the new man could raise her. By this time,his ex and her new husband had 2 other children. The arguement was to let them be a "normal family". The new husband also was financially pretty well off. My husband tried to fight for custody in court, but things got really nasty and he ended up breaking down on the stand and agreeing to sign the papers terminating his rights. Of course, his ex's family was real supportive on that day, and kept telling him he "did the right thing". Once they walked out of court, they never had a thing to do with him again. Anyhow, this is getting kind of long winded.....sorry. My husband and i have been together for almost 17 years. I have heard him cry himself to sleep at night over this more times that I can count. Just because he gave up his rights did not mean he didn't care. I always say he did the wrong thing for the right reasons. He wishes he could turn back the clock but he can't. What's done is done. He thought that by giving up his rights he was clearing the way for her to share the same name as her half brother and sister, as well as to grow up without any complications. I know he now regrets that decision every day. Now that he's older he realizes that money wasn't everything, and he had more to offer besides that, but you can't go back. Only forward! We contacted his daughter in August of 2003. The reunited in April of 2004. We dont' see eachother very often, but are taking things VERY slowly. Their relationship is a friendship at best. I know he wishes it could be more, but then again, its so much more than he ever thought he would have. So we are greatful. Its hard for her, as she has expressed she knows he loves her and he wishes things could have been done different. But the fact was, it isn't. She doesn't feel the attachment to him that he does to her. She is honest about that, which is good. She says she is looking at this as a friendship and we'll see where it goes. When you do contact her, be honest. Be yourself. Don't make excuses. Express that you made choices you wish you could change, but no one can turn back the clock. Work on from here forward. I wish you all the luck in the world! Please keep us updated on how things progress. Karen

I tried to keep my story short. Yes, I paid child support until I left the army, when my daughter was 3 1/2 years old. I tried sending checks, contacting my ex-wife and her mother. I had no phone numbers or addresses for my ex once she remarried. My name did not change, I did not move, she had my address and phone number. My ex did not try to contact me for money or let me know how things were going. When I received the letter from her lawyer, I contacted a lawyer myself. I did not have the funds to retain him, he did tell me that the laws in Louisiana at that time would not grant me any rights to my daughter because I had no contact with her for 2 years. I lived in Colorado at the time and had no proof that I tried to contact them (I was not smart enough to keep the returned letters, and her mother was not going to tell the courts I spoke with her). I tried contacting her lawyer but they returned no messages. I spoke to him once and he said he would send a letter when the court date was, I never received it. I was granted no visitation or knowledge of my daughter. Now she is 18, I can contact her legally and am trying to do things as stressless as possible. I know it is never easy or stressless. My ex never had any more children and my wife and I lost twins at near term and had two other miss carriages. My daughter has a step brother and sister and 2 cousins that she could met. "L" (my daughter) has no siblings or cousins from the other side of the family. My ex wrote that in a recent letter I received from her. I am sorry my story sounds like I am a "victim". I know that I made a lot of wrong choices and wish I could re-make these choices but I can not. I am not a "victim". I have tried to be an adult and put my feelings for my ex aside and be the best dad I could from a distance (Germany and Colorado). My ex on the other hand could never put things aside for our daughter, even now. My ex wrote to me a few months ago stating that the only time she did not want me to contact my daughter was before the adoption. What else am I to beleive, that she hid so the adoption could not be contested. I have a freind that is a lawyer, he said I can sue her now for wrongful parenting and obstruction of parenting because of her letter. That would only destroy any chance of any contact with my daughter now.

I would say the victim here is your daughter. My a-parents divorced when I was 5, my a-mom then spent every available moment trashing him. He'd send me b-day and x-mas presents that she'd give away, telling me that I shouldn't accept things from such an evil <expletive deleted by me> ! ! I eventually found out he stayed away because she would scream at him if he attempted any contact. Eventually I stayed away from her as well. There are mothers who can't put aside their hatred of a former lover. And the father is left in a very tight spot. No matter what a father does, he's judged to be lacking. The only win-win I can see is for them to stay together. Impossible in so many cases. It is so sad that such love turns to such hatred, because the true victim is the child. Hopefully, you daughter will see thru the cloud of smoke and allow you to show her that, maybe, your not such a bad guy. Raymond