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I am an adoptee and I don't know if this is where I should post this but I thought maybe asking birth parents might help me figure out what to do now. I have found my bmothers name, address, and phone number but I can't decide what to do now. My aparents always new her married name and when I was about 5 I guess they found her wedding announcement in a local paper and cut it out and saved it for me. I saw it for the first time when I was 17 years old and then didn't look at it again until about two weeks ago (about 6 years later). My amom had shown it to me and then kept it and told me that whenever I wanted it I could have it but I always felt bad to ask for it again. We were talking about it one day and she gave it to me and I finally got to see her name. My amom had asked me before if I was ready to know her name and I wasn't so she had hidden that part of the announcement. So anyway after I had her name I decided to just try a search through yahoo and I actually got all her info. I really hadn't expected it to be so easy but I also looked at a few other places and it all matched up with the info I already had about her. So my problem is that she has no idea that I am looking and I don't really know the best way to make a first contact. I thought about writing a letter but then if she doesn't respond it will always leave me wondering if maybe she didn't get it. If I call I really don't know what I should say. Hi I think I may be your daughter seems like it would be a little abrupt and shocking for her. Can anyone give me any ideas on what to doI would really appreciate it. Thank you.Kristin
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Kristin,
Writing a letter is a good way to go and send it by registered post so it has to be signed for. My son started searching for me six years ago but I didn't search for him as I didn't know how to. However I found him last year through a website that he had put my details on so emailed him without a second thought. Fortunately everything turned out well in our case.
If you do send keep it simple and tell her a bit about yourself and your upbringing. Ringing is a bit trickier and there is a risk that she may put the phone down on you.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Pip :)
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Try this thread:
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=220054[/url]
Might give you some insight into what kind of letter to write. I wish you all the luck in the world... that first contact can be scary, but Pip gave you good advice - send it "Certified" & "Return Receipt Requested". You'll get a receipt back with a signature on it so you'll know exactly who signed for it.
If there is someone you trust, you might also have them call for you to confirm that it's OK to write a letter.... that she wants contact. Imagine if her husband or child (who don't know about you) sign for that letter - it might put her off.
Sorry this is so long. :)
Kristin: My birthson found me in August 2005. It was his afather that called me one day out of the blue. he wanted to know if I was in a place in my life that I would be ok with my bson contacting me. I don't know if your bmother met you aparents at the time of adoption, but that may be a route to take. Or like suggested in a prior post, someone you trust would be a good person to make that call also. You could be prepared to have them tell your bmom that you would like to meet her if it is ok. Susan 1987
Hello Kristin, First, I would like to congratulate you on your courageous heart and willingness to take a leap of faith! I hope you will give yourself credit for going this far. I like the other "posts" advising you to write a letter (keeping it simple) sending it registered, etc. If you decide to send a letter, please seriously consider including a current photo - remember... pictures convey a thousand ideas, messages, unspoken words. I used a search agency to locate my daughter 12 years ago, who had not been told she was adopted. She was a little shocked, but completely open to speaking with me right away. We have a positive relationship today, even though I believe her adoptive mother is still trying to accept my role in her daughter's life. Since I am a writer, I fully appreciate the value of the written word and how powerful a letter can be (with a photo!) to allow the recipient the freedom and personal "space" to digest the contents on their/her own terms. Somehow, I think getting a call, either from you or from your adoptive mother, may be intrusive... just my opinion. Anyway... take your time with whatever you decide to do. Don't allow your fears to overcome you to the point of obsessing over the outcome. Try not to be attached to a result. If you decide to write and would like help with the letter, please let me know. I ask my friends for help all the time when the stakes are high and I'm afraid I may say too much or just for support. Wishing you love and enthusiasm.Blessings...skyewriter :)
Writing a letter is the best course to take, Kristen!
You need to give your birthmother some time to process what is happening. I'm sure she will be happy to meet you again, but she's going to need a bit of time.
My daughter phoned me ... but I had been waiting 32 years and I was expecting a call or a knock at my door. Still it was a shock, and I really wasn't prepared very well. But that was in 1986, and we didn't have the resources we now have.
Believe me, preparation is very, very important for each of you. Without it, you'll hit many stumbling blocks; with it, you might trip now and then, but it won't be fatal.
I wish you much luck.
Hugs, Carol Bird
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this is hard for you as an adoptee, you need to know your roots. it will be up to the birthmom, which i am. my husband and myself are the parents and my daughter found me. she found us with everything good. sometimes thats not the case. so just remember dont let your mind get your hopes up. you do deserve to know who you really are and your medical history. you could use the medical history as a way to contact her. i will pray for you
Kristin,
Bless your heart for looking. It sounds like you are ready. My daughter found me through this website. Let me tell you that it will be a shock. I posted something on this website two years ago, and she found it when she was surfing the net. So, on March 2nd, I got her email. If I were you, I would send an email since it is kind of non threatening. If you don't get a reply, send a letter.
:clap: