Petrified of a Girl

I just wanted to echo what the cobbler said.. I don't have any words of wisdom either.. But wanted to offer my support to you... And to say pregnancy does weird things to us... So I wouldn't stress over it.. It will just make it seem worst than it really is... :D Gina

Jenna -- the only way I can relate is how my mom explained how she felt after placing my sister and while she was pregnant with me. She told me my whole life how she had told everyone she wanted a boy. She called my a boy name while pregnant with me. She explained to me that deep down, she pretty much figured that God would never let her have another daughter after "giving away" one. She said that when she realized I WAS in fact a girl (and staying that way ;) ) she dealt with many emotions (including possession and fear of loss) ... I think what you are feeling is normal. I think that its going to be ok, you will work this through and no matter WHAT baby you have, munchkin and butterball will both know "this" as their normal. They wont be comparing to anything else, because they will know nothing else. Sister, brother, son, daughter no matter ... Jen

Jenna, I can relate too so don't blame it just on hormones it seems perfectly normal to me. If my husband and I had children I was always terrified of having another son and didn't know how I would have coped with that. My fears were that bad that I was also terrified that my sister would have a son as I was frightened of 'rejecting' a nephew although nobody knew about that. My eldest niece was just over two months old when my son was born but fortunately it wasn't a problem for me then my sister went onto have another two girls which I was quietly relieved about. I did feel guilty about that though as I know my sister would have liked a son. Everything will work out fine whether you have a girl or a boy simply because you're a survivor. Philippa :)

I think fear of feeling what you did last time you were told "it's a girl" makes perfect sense. You fear you placed "your only girl". I fear I placed the last child I will ever have. :( Your post made me think of something that I am ashamed to admit. I have a teenage son that I am parenting. When I was pregnant with my birthson, not knowing my baby was a boy, I hoped he was a boy. I knew I planned to go through with an adoption no matter what the gender of my child. However I have always wanted a girl. I wanted my first child to be a girl. I was thinking it would be even harder in some ways to place a girl. Not that I wouldn't love my child and be in pain at the thought of adoption no matter what the child's gender. I know it would have been just as difficult to follow through with an adoption plan no matter what the gender of my baby.......just another irrational thought to add to yours. You will be fine no matter what gender your baby Jenna. Shell

Jenna, I do know how you feel. I thought, even when I was little I wanted to have 9 boys so I could have my own baseball team. When I was 15 and pregnant I did not find out my daughter was a girl until she was born(no great gender ultrasound in 1983). When the nurses told me I had a girl I knew in my heart she was special. Her adoption was arranged by my parents and my heart just knew there would never be another baby girl as beautiful and wonderful as she was. My parents arranged a closed adoption and I did not have the pleasure of seeing her grow up but she has always ben very much part of my life. A few years after her birth I was pregnant again and ready to build my baseball team, again I did not know the gender until Amy(notice not a boys name) was placed into my arms, tiny and perfect. All of a sudden the guilt was tremendous and I felt like I did not deserve to be her mother because in a way I was betraying the daughter I so badly wanted to raise but could not. My joy for Amy was mingled with grief for losing T******. I started looking at things a little differently with the help of a counselor and I let my heart accept the fact the I can and do love more than one daughter and I am a good mother to both of them, just in different ways. God must think I am a good mother to girls because like clockwork 2 years later Traci was born. Bubbly, giggly, little girls had taken over my life. Another daughter will not replace munchkin, or insult or devalue her existance. Your feelings may be tumultuous at times and counseling can be a soulsaver during the down times. In the end it will all just make sense because you wont be able to imagine your life without either child, they are each an important part of who you are. One day they may very well have a strong bond because you are such a part of each of them. On a side note, 4 years after Traci I finally did have a son. He is not a whole baseball team but he plays with the heart of the whole team. In fact I am headed out to watch his team play in the county play off games this afternoon. I still think of T****** everyday and love her always, Amy and Traci are still bubbly and giggly(at 17 and 19), and Jake will always be my baby boy though at 13 he kinda hates to hear that term. They all have their place in my life and I feel blessed that I am a part of each of them. Keep smiling Jenna even when it seems hard to do. Kitti

First of all, thank you for the supportive words from ALL, telling me that I am not insane. That is a load lifted from my shoulders in itself. Thank GOD.Secondly, Jen, thank you for sharing your Mother's story. I do feel as though I don't deserve to raise a girl. I also fear she'd be JUST LIKE ME (as my Mother wished that) and HATE ME for a majority of her formative years for no other reason than... because. (So, I wasn't a super nice teenager. Sorry, Mom.) And believe me, it's not that I think a boy is a second place consolation prize... I love boys! And I do love girls... I'm just scared.And Kitti, thank you for your long reply. It made me weep with understanding. I also told everyone that Munchkin would be a boy... until the day the ultrasound tech said girl. And now... I'm doing the exact same thing.On some days, it feels like history is 'repeating itself.' I have weird moments of deja vous. While this situation is 100% different in every form or fashion, there are just moments that catch me completely off guard and I don't know exactly what to do with myself. It's especially strange since I'm WAY showing all ready. *sighs*Again, thank you. And for anyone else with good advice, keep it coming. We have another three weeks before Butterball lets us know what he/she is... it's going to be a long three weeks.

I am going to offer you some advice. I feel that I am qualified to do so because in MY family, I am butterball. My mom placed a girl when she was 16. Then she got married and had my brother, after that I was born...her second baby girl, her first to raise. All of my life i was very aware that I did not measure up for my mom. I had no reason WHY, but i knew this to be true. I was always too fat, too short, too many freckles, and I was such an ugly baby that she " couldnt believe i was really a girl" I spent my entire childhood on "diets" starting at around 4, which lead to some pretty sever eating disorders (didnt realize it at the time) by the time i was about 10. Being a figure skater didnt help, that only exasterbated the issue. Anyhoo.... I was always very aware that my cousin Kim was perfect. She was taller, skinnier, prettier and nicer. Lucky for our relationship, she and I always got along really well despite how inferior I felt. She was always extra nice to me, compared to our other cousins.. But then, she always knew that she was my biological sister. I did not know til i was 13. As adults, Kim and I have often talked about our unusual relationship. She always noticed how my mother compared us, and told me that it always angered her seeing what my mom put me through. Kim was perfect....my brother, perfect.....and i was pretty much one big disappointment. This is NOT a pitty party for me. I have completely come to terms with my childhood. My mom has some mental issues, so we have a strained relationship, but she is the only mom i have. I am telling you this because I don't think what i went through is that uncommon. No matter what your baby is....boy or girl....do not make them live their life in someone else's shadow. Please don't make them try to fill the munchkin shaped void in your life. They will not be able to be anything but who they are. Please love them because of that, do not hold it against them. Leigh

Jenna, First off, (((((((hugs))))))))). I'm sure you don't realize this, but I think about you every day. Seriously. Wondering about you, hoping things are ok, thinking about your pregnancy, happy for you, a little anxious, etc. ........Your my birthmother soul sister, right? ;) Anyway.... Maybe that is why this post of yours does not surprise me.... because I DO think that what you're going through is perfectly normal. No, you're not insane. I too thought Elise would be a boy. When the ultrasound tech said "girl," I had some very mixed feelings. I've always wanted a girl as opposed to a boy, but... having convinced myself she WAS a boy, and having already placed a girl, I just... felt so mixed up. Not sure where I'm going with this, but... well... You have a LOT to deal with. A post-placement pregnancy is, I think, in some ways just as tough as a crisis pregnancy. People asking if it's your first... and you having to decide if you want to "get into it" that particular day or not. And if you don't "get into it," then you have to endure 20 minutes or more of labor advice, grinning till your teeth hurt and all the while screaming inside "Shut UP already, I know what it's like!" Then there's worry about whether you'll love this baby as much as the first, for some..... and, well, a whole host of issues. I guess all of that is just to say... it's all normal. And you'll get through it. In retrospect, for me, Elise was a replacement baby. We shouldn't have had her when we did. (Not saying that's true of you and Josh and Butterball, but for me and Matt, it is.) Despite that, though, I do love her with all my heart. The love just... takes over. I did go through a period where I could barely look at her, because she reminded me of my pain surrounding Marie's placement. But I was depressed. Honestly, as soon as I got on meds and came home from the hospital, that completely changed. I don't think of Marie when I look at her now. She's just Elise. And she is the light of my life, along with Matt. (Sorry so cliche, but it's late.) She can make me laugh like no one else on earth. I do think you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility of having new feelings about Munchkin's placement, now that you'll be a mommy to Butterball. It's a possibility. And definitely I think not comparing our "kept" children to our relinquished ones is something all birthparents need to guard against. I don't believe I have that inclination with Elise and Marie, but I still examine myself from time to time on that issue, and try to be honest about it. This is also getting very rambly, so I'll quit. But in general... it's ok and normal that you're having conflicted feelings. Don't beat yourself up about that or question your sanity. You'll get through it. Just keep a good support system around you so that if you need it, it's already there. (((hugs)))) Nicole

Nicole, I think of you often, too, my birthmother-soul-sister. Thanks for thinking of me. :)If Josh and I would have started trying, say, when we got engaged and I was still, uhm, sad, I would say that Butterball was a replacement baby. However, as the decision to finally try to conceive was Josh's after months of discussion (and tests on my kidney) and budgeting and so on, I was well aware that this was our decision, not based on anything other than our desire to have a child. (The reason I say the final decision was his is because I was content to wait about another year, not too much longer because of the kidney, and he finally just said, no, now.) Munchkin will always be Munchkin. But Butterball will always be Butterball. I think the fact that I am acknowledging and trying to deal with these emotions now is beneficial to all involved. Definitely.I'm sorry, my thoughts are not coherent right now because I'm quite disturbed by what you had to say, Leigh. I think I have proven around these parts to be a very stable, logical and compassionate person. Your 'warning,' while valid in your own situation, makes absolutely no sense to be and is actually quite offensive. I made no statement of not being able to love a girl in the same manner. In fact, my LARGEST fear is that Munchkin will feel cast aside when/if we have a girl because I will be as loving and as doting a Mother as possible. Did you read anything that I wrote? I fear failing this child as much as I fear failing Munchkin. And the fact that I am being compared with someone you stated has mental issues is quite alarming. Note that in my post, I kept reiterating the word FEAR. I am AFRAID. I did not say I had an INABILITY TO LOVE OR TREAT A GIRL FAIRLY. Wow.I think I'm done posting for awhile. I didn't know my thoughts were unwelcome.

Whatever happens I can't imagine you 'failing' Munchkin or Butterball, things can only improve and you've got Josh for support as well. Philippa :)

Jenna -- in my interpretation of what Leigh said, I think maybe you misunderstood her post. As the "butterball" in my family, I too related to what Leigh had to say. I was the second born daughter, but first kept. And in some ways, I too lived in the shadow of the sister I didnt even know I had. She was saying it as a warning that sometimes if birth moms dont agknowledge those feelings (which I think you are VERY wise to be doing now while pregnant) and dont face the fact that parenting the same gender as the child placed can be difficult, the kept child might pay a price. In my case it was more minor than Leigh, but I still know that my sister's absence did affect my life. Even though I didnt know it at the time. My mom was VERY VERY protective of me (and then my younger sister). She was extremely (and is) sensitive to any sense of rejection from us and she had an EXTREMELY difficult time with letting me "go" in the natural progression of things as a teen. She tended to reject me as I separated from her - and I do think, now looking back, that was directly related to her unresolved feelings of loss and grief around having my sister "taken" (in the baby scoop era). You are a 1000 miles ahead of where my mom and Leigh's mom was in the sense that you are aware of these feelings, you understand that munchkin's adoption can affect you as you parent and you are AWARE. Its the moms that arent aware that affect the butterballs in their lives :).

Jenna, I too think you misinterpreted what Leigh had to say. Of course your thoughts are not unwelcome Jenna! Shell

OMG JENNA!!!! I had thought that we "knew" each other well enough that you would understand what i was saying. I am so sorry that you misinterpretted my post. I am SO glad that you are sorting through your thoughts now.... I thought i was just showing you a reason why that could be so important. I DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE MENTAL ISSUES!!! My mother does, and I was simply trying to show you why MY case may have been extreme, and possibly not ALL adoption related. I do not want to blame all of my issues with my mother on the fact that she was in pain over my sister. The only comparison i was making, was that my mom placed a girl, and i was the next girl in the family. Jenna, I KNOW that you will love this baby. I do think that my experiences can be learned from...even on a MUCH SMALLER SCALE!! I KNOW that you are afraid. Do you need to be? I dont know. But I do think that you working through alot of this NOW is going to save you some heartache and fears later. I was trying to show you how NOT dealing with these issues effected my relationship with my mother, as well as my sister's relationship with her. Please re-read my post and think of it more as a friend talking to another friend about her experiences...I had NO hostility when i wrote it. I truely applaud you for addressing all of your emotions and fears, i hope that you will continue to do so...I honestly think it is the only way that you will be able to truly enjoy every moment of this precious child's life. Good luck Jenna, I will continue to send you my thoughts, and I hope that you will see my post differently. Leigh

Jenna ((((((hugs))))) (((((((Big Squishes))))))) Shell, I need to make a confession, too. Josh always wanted a girl, and I never wanted a boy. Not that I really wanted another girl, I was just dead set on not parenting a boy and I was crossing my fingers hoping that Kara would be a boy so that Josh wouldnt be so hurt placing her (he has two sons already) and that so I wouldnt be so attached. I think I would be more likely to contemplate (not actually do it, but contemplate) abortion if I knew I was having a boy. As it was with Kara, I never contemplated that option. Jenna, sorry I dont have much advice for you, just know that if you need to chat, IM or email me anytime. You are very loved here on these forums and we have missed you. You are not alone. I'm on the opposite side of the fence placing my second (and most likely last) child for adoption, doing it backwards I suppose. The feelings of placing my second had Karma thinking that the baby wasnt good enough to keep. She once said to me that I loved her (Karma) so I kept her, but I didnt love the baby (Kara) so much, so I gave her to T and D! In no way do I love Kara less! I just knew being mommy again wasnt a good idea. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying, is no matter what, there are issues of regular pregnancies (if my first can be called regular) and having a placement either before or after. Different issues, but cruddy to deal with no matter what order it goes in.

Michelle, Like you I placed my second child. For me there are still difficulties about being "fair" to my kept child. It is easier now as I have made it though my original grief. However I do have more pics of my bson up then of my "kept" son. Part of that is just that Matt hates having his pic taken and and I take a whole roll of pics of Nathan every time I see him. But part of that was also just wanting to have my bson "around". KWIM? It is hard and there are difficulties around being "fair" to your children no matter which child is parented and which child is placed. By the way Michelle, a liscensee I worked with said it is very common to place subsequent children. A teenager is more likely to chose to parent her baby and a "older" woman is more likely to consider adoption especially if she is already a parent. The teenager part I could relate too as I know I wouldn't even really think about adoption when I was pregnant as a teen with my first child. (Even though my counsellor tried to discuss it with me. We discussed adoption but I knew I couldn't do it.) You are not as unusual as you think! Shell