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This issue has been bothering me for a while now. I thought I was bonding well with our dd. She has been home for 2.5 months now and she is 4.5 years old. What really bothers me is that every time she gets hurt, instead of running to her to comfort her, I cringe inside and get angry. Thank goodness this has not come out in words though. Just the other day, she slammed her fingers in the car door (thank God it was just the foam). At first she did not feel it and kind of looked confused when she could not get her fingers out. Then she realized that her fingers where in the door. My dh is screaming at me to open the door, and I just calmly got out and opened the door. When I got the door open, instead of comforting her, all I could think was how frustrated I was because she yet again slammed the car door hard enough for the car to shake and now look, she managed to slam her fingers into it. My dh grabbed her after I just stood there staring at her and starting to comfort and rock her. And me like the fool, just stood there and waited until she stopped and we could be on our way. I do not understand why I do this. It really bothers me. I can give you countless examples... She fell in a pair of shoes that we tell her not to wear. When she finnaly hurt herself, I didn't comfort her but instead said, "now look what happened. You hurt yourself" and left her there crying. I went and threw the shoes out. Everytime she hurts herself, someone else goes to comfort her instead of me. I am just left standing there getting angry that she has hurt herself. Isn't hurting yourself part of being a kid! To top it all off, she comes from an abuse background. This really does not help her. I know i was raised with the motto "suck it up". Am i doing the same thing to my dd? Yikes! Help... is this normal or is there something underlying from my upbringing (which was wonderful, but I always "sucked it up"? She is my child, why am I not feeling symaphy towards her when she hurts herself? Does this have something to do with bonding? It is not even that I feel bad for her and tell her not to worry about it, but that I actually get angry instead. Ugh, help.
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You are the parent. Your responsibility to your child is to ACT like one. Parents, good parents, need to comfort their children when they get hurt. It is ESSENTIAL to the bonding process. You will find with unattached kids that they tend to overreact to little owies (giving their parents PLENTY of opportunities to respond) in order to seek attachment. Yes, at times it is frustrating -- but your motto needs to be fake it until you make it. My suggestions
#1) Make sure you arent getting burnt out. Take some time away -- even 15 minutes with a good book. An early morning walk -- a trip to the grocery store in the evenings, an hour at the gym. You will need it.
#2) You ARE the adult. It is NOT your daughter's responsibility to change - its yours. There are no excuses -- you MUST change in order to meet your daughter's needs. Counselling might be a good idea. Sometimes, especially after a major life change like adding an older child, depression or our own past issues can come sneaking up. I really feel that I was depressed for a while after our boys arrived (ages 3 and 4 and a half). Its ok to seek help - you MUST if you find its affecting your child.
#3) Respond, Respond, Respond. Fake it until you feel it. You are an adult - so what if you feel angry, you MUST hug her, comfort her, be her "mommy". Its part of the deal you signed up for. Its sort of like cleaning up kid puke - its not fun, you may not feel like it, but its part of the job. Her ONLY responsibility is to heal -- yours is to help that along!
#4) Remember the payoffs will be life long. A healthy, attached child will bring you LIFE LONG rewards == a very rich reward for the small sacrifice of changing your attitudes now. :)
Good luck -- I dont mean to sound harsh ... but you must keep in mind that you are the mom. The only one your daughter has right now.
Jen
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