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Hi, I appologize in advance for rambling, but here's my situation. I have had my son since he was two days old (my 15 y/o nephew is the biological father). It was our son's first birthday today, and although most of it went well, I am left with some frustration as to what to do or how to confront my sister. Here's the situation. A friend at the party is an adoptee. My sister asked her if she was ever able to find her "real parents." I piped in that her adoptive parents are her real parents. She said no they're not, she has adoptive parents and then "her biologicalparents - meaning that they were her real parents." I got very pissed off atthat point, but since it was a party and lots of others were around, I let it go for the time being. In addition, when she is around people and her son is around, she talks about our son as my nephew's son (like we're not even right there). An example tonight, she asked him how his friends (three know of the birth and adoption) liked "his son." I wanted to right there say, no, he's my son. He gave up his rights when he signed the papers. She continuest o make comments like that. When I have talked to her about the future, our son going to college, etc., she just said "oh, I thought (insert nephew'sname) would be taking care of that when he gets out of college (her son's failing high school right now - but that's not the point). He's our responsibility and our responsibility to provide for him - if someone else wants to help,I don't have a problem with that, but I don't want her to assume that we're just babysitting. Although I have thought these things I haven'ts said anything to her about it. I do think I need to confront her on some of this though. Inaddition, the bmother insists when she's writing him to sign it mommy. I talked with her at christmas. I asked her that If she wanted to put the name mommy, then to put "mommy (insert her name). She told my other sister (not the biological grandmother) that she is doing it to just upset me. Today, on his 1st birthday card she did the samething. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they are in my son's life, but I am upset that they are making these comments and I feel it is going to get worse as he gets older and begins to understand more. I want to get a handle on thisright now: 1) Before our son startsto understand more and these comments are made aroundhime; and 2) Before I get really angry and say something I'm going to regret. Anyone have any suggestions how to go about this? Debbie Amom to Jayden (1 yr old today)
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Hi Debbie,
Well it's true what they say "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt". I think your son's biological parents and biological grandparent are grieving. Denial is a stage of this - the "This isn't really happening" stage.
First, be patient. Jaden knows exactly who his parents are despite what anyone says. I can say it probably will be devistating the first time his biological parents/grandparents call themselves 'mommy', 'daddy' or 'grandma' and your two or three year old will quite adamently say "you're not my XXX". Or when they cry for mommy and only want you, not them.
I do think you need to talk with your aunt about some things, especially since it appears she's pretty adament about her and her son's 'role'. Perhaps though you should bring in a 'neutral' third party to help? Someone like a religious leader, counselor trained in adoption issues, etc. Remember she is grieving and may be embarrassed too about her son's 'failings'. Her way of coping is to ignore them and pretend it isn't happening. A counselor may get y'all out of confrontation and into healing.
Lastly, be secure in who you are to Jaden. It truly doesn't matter what others say, because to Jaden it's irrelevant.
Hang in there.
Regina
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