Looking for support.

Hi Holly,I am in the middle of a great match with a very close friend of mine. We are waiting on the birth right now before we can move on, but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I know this is the hardest decision ever. Please look closely at your options b/c they are many. I also welcome you to the forum. Above all I have found this is a place that all sides of the adoption triad can help and heal together. I wish you luck.

Thanks for all of the welcomes, concerns and comments! I really do appreciate it.I have definitely thought long and hard about my decision to pursue adoption. I am 21 years old with a 3 year old son who I am single parenting. I would not change the fact that I chose to parent my son. I believe that it was the right choice for me at the time, not to say that I have not made mistakes along the way. That said, I have grown so much over the 3+ years since I found out I was pregnant with my little boy.I married Jaxson's father after we found out that I was pregnant. He was gone before Jaxson was born and I filed divorce papers shortly after he left. He came back and moved in with us as we ventured to make our relationship work and even discussed getting remarried. I found out that I was pregnant again and my ex-husband was out the door ask quickly as his little legs would carry him. Hard lesson learned, but that must have been what it took for me to realize that he did not have the desire to make our family work.My son is a happy, loved and well adjusted little boy. He is the light of my life!I work full-time and do all I can to spend quality time with my son. Bringing another child into my home would be unfair to both Jaxson and my baby. I want the very best for both of them and feel that adoption is the avenue to take to give both of them the very best.

Holly, I'm not a full-time single parent. I was a part-time single parent once, while DH was still AD/USN and going away for weeks at a time. Working FT with a non-sleeping baby with a delicate digestion was not my idea of fun. So I feel for you. Hang in there, and remember your decision is never final until you've signed. Regina

ISABO, I don't think you have the right to tell me that my point of view as an adoptive parent is erroneous, misleading OR coercive. Feel free to present you side as a birthmother as you will. Having never placed a baby for adoption I wouldn't assume to know how that feels or try to say that someone who HAS been in that situation is giving erroneous advice. Just as I imagine you don't know how it feels to be in a situation where someone else has the power to make you a mother or leave you childless. The birthmother chooses the family that will raise her child. Sorry, but from this side of the fence thats not a small amount of power. I dont feel that presenting the side of an adoptive parent is giving bad information. Full knowlege cannot be gained by having only one side of the story. I'm sorry ISABO if I offended you in some way by giving you some insight into how an adoptive mom feels. I don't get offended when people come on to the boards and beg the birthmother to keep the child. Everyone is entitled to thier opinion. I wasn't trying to mislead Holly in any way.

I agree with Isabo, I think the information you are giving is slanted towards the puppy dogs and butterfliesӔ portrayal of adoption and is about as false as it can get. Hopeful, I dont think anyone has a problem with an adoptive parent ғsharing their side but thatԒs not what you didyour perpetrated the myth that the industry has out thereŅand thats not sharing your side at all, thatҒs more like spreading rumors. Holley, You have the potential to be in control, provided you work with a wonderful agency that advocates for the best interest of the birthfamily, rather than a payday. They are out there and I imagine Brenda can point you in the right direction. It is totally possible for you to control things in your adoption, if allowedbut most agencies donŒt really like to work with empowered expectant parentsthey prefer to be the ones in control, so you need to watch for that. Also, if youŒre getting PMs from hopeful adoptive parents҅please let a moderator knowthis forum is not an adoptive parent marketing tool, and if these people are breaking the rules to PM you, imagine what other rules theyŒre breaking

Luann, I am an adoptive parent, and I agree with Lsabo. My son is 3 - same age as Holly's Jaxson. If your profile is up to date, you are not yet an adoptive parent, just as Holly is not yet a birth mother. You are a prospective adoptive parent and she is an expectant mom making an adoption plan. Let's all be clear about that. On control: I wish his birth parents were in control, because if they had control of their lives they wouldn't have needed to place their firstborn. As it was, because they were so very much not in control, they felt parenting was impossible and chose to place. Let me tell you how it was for me: The day Ryan was born, I felt every single emotion possible at the exact same time. I was angry, devistated, overjoyed, terrified, fully in love, hating every minute. It was so much I could not breathe. Most of me wanted to place him in their arms, leave that hospital and never ever return. Except his bgrandma gently touched my arm and said "OK, we're counting on you." Dear God, how could I do this? Ryan was discharged with his biological parents and went home with them, by prearranged agreement. His birth family said later this was one of the best things they did, because then they could experience the rigors and demands of a newborn. They also viewed it as a measurement of trust - would we really do what we said we would? After that they never worried once that we were not people of our word. I now witness both the joy his birth family has when they see him and the pain. They are magnificent people. They accepted us as part of their family, without reservation. "You're just relatives we hadn't met." It was exactly what we had hoped for but were told weren't likely to get. The 'coincidences' in our lives were uncanny - signs we all saw that said that this was in the bones the right thing to do. They have taught me more about perserverance and love than I ever imagined. I think it was hardest for his birth father to place, and my heart just aches for him. Only recently has he been able to really have fun with our son. I felt 1000 feet tall that day, so happy for them both. I have watched them both struggle, wanting so badly to come in, fix everything, make it allright, and have them be the people I see in them. It was so very hard to recognize that this was not what they asked. They asked me only to raise their son. So it's not all abundant joy. Ryan is the light of our lives. I will always be a little sad for him though because he has suffered great loss, even while being raised by two people who have the emotional, physical, social and financial resources to bring him up not only with love but with opportunity and stability. I will always still feel the anger that this child be born and have to lose the privilege of being raised by the people who created him. I will always feel pain that they too were not able to raise this marvelous child. It is so unjust. This is how THIS adoptive mom feels. And I say to Holly - do not ever let anyone paint you a picture that is all sweetness and light, do not ever give up and cave in, do what in your heart and soul feels right because that will get you through the difficult times - be that in parenting or in placing. Do not ever accept that without you, a couple who is infertile will be childless and devistated forever and this is 'not fair' to them. Nonsense. If they are meant to be parents, they will be. That destiny is not solely dependent on your decision to parent or not. Ask any adoptive mom on this board who has had a placement fail - including situations where they brought the child home before it failed. They will all tell you that while it was devistating, they got through it. Most if not all that I'm aware of are now parents of the child they will tell you 100% for certain was meant to be theirs. Lastly, never ignore that voice in your heart because that is where God speaks. JMHO Regina

Great advice Regina :D I will leave the 'to parent or not to parent' question alone. But I can offer you advice as you mosey along this path you're on. In regards to the good and the bad of adoption or parenting two, to the potential ways the hospital will or will not treat you if you mention adoption...to the potential devestation that follows placement, and also the peaceful surety that can follow as well. ~~ Certainly, only put your and your childrens' needs first. Do not feel guilted into any path by an agency, an atty, a social worker, nor prospective adoptive parents... and this can be hard to do (or not do). Hormonally, we are tuned into putting the needs of another before ourselves when we are pregnant... just remember that those outside of your core unit are not so important. Maia

I see that there are strong opinions shared here. Regina made a comment that really hit home for me and they are words that I have been trying to form in my heart for months. ...Ryan was discharged with his biological parents and went home with them, by prearranged agreement. His birth family said later this was one of the best things they did, because then they could experience the rigors and demands of a newborn. They also viewed it as a measurement of trust - would we really do what we said we would? After that they never worried once that we were not people of our word... Sorry, I could not figure out the "quote" option like all of you use. I am sure when I figure it out it will be a duh moment! I know that I do not have to justify my choices in life but I could not think of a way to explain why I feel that adoption is the best option for me and my children in such a way as not to come across as, umm, what would be a good word, unloving. I am a mom, I know the demands of a newborn, toddler and child and know that I could not care for two children the way that I feel they need to be raised.

I think it is important to note that choosing adoption is not unwanting your child. In that regard, the wanting a child does not presuppose a couple as the better parents... However, some in society believe this, and their actions belie their thought processes. This is where I have found the scorn for the birthmother - and not until I placed my youngest - 13 yrs after placing my son! I have never NOT wanted my children... And they will always be in my life. I offer you support in whatever decision, and information on many different avenues of choice. However, please realize that in choosing adoption, regardless of your surety, please understand that it is healthiest to walk through your reasons again, after the birth. Some people bring their babies home for a few days, some stick to the 3-day hospital stay for their parenting time... regardless, it is simply important to redecide after the birth. Besides... it doesn't hurt anything. Maia

Holly, Everyone here has offered you great advice; they're all a tough act to follow! I'd like to share some of my personal experience with you. I'm a birthmom in a fully open adoption. My bdaughter's family is wonderful; truly, I "lucked" into them, because I never read one letter, or contacted ANYONE about my plans, until she was born. So my views on adoption were pretty idyllic. Then I came here. What an eye-opener for me to read and share in the stories of other birthparents who did not have the same type of experience! (As well as those of the adoptive parents who have been through tough times.) It has really helped me to see, and appreciate, how truly difficult a decision and situation adoption is for many, many people. It has been enriching to me in so many ways to learn from everyone here. As you make this journey, this forum is, as I'm sure you've already seen, a wonderful place to get different perspectives on it. Someone's always here if you need to talk, and I've made many friends here, from all sides of the triad. ((((HUGS)))) to you as you consider your options.

I'm an amom, so take this for what it's worth. Like Regina, I feel like our adoption experience was/is successful b/c there were so many times where we had to show trust and faith in one another (particularly at the hospital) and by doing so, reaffirmed that we were all people of our word. Our 33 yr. old bmom wanted no contact after the birth. DH and and I were the ones who wanted/want more openness. I always thought that the bmom would change her mind and want to see/spend time with dd after the birth, and I thought I was prepared for that, but I wasn't really. After delivery, DD stayed with her bmom every night. The hospital wouldn't let us stay which was the original plan and the nursing staff was pressuring bmom to parent. They even put BUFA (baby up for adoption) on her little name card instead of the name we all agreed to give her shaming bmom and the child. The whole time, DH and I never said a word, raised a stink, pressured bmom, nothing. I left the hospital each night in tears, tho, just praying and trusting that all would work out as we'd hoped. I knew this wasn't our child and that bmom needed to do her thing for as long as she possibly could. But it wasn't easy on bmom or us. When Bmom handed DD over to us on the third day, both she and I were sobbing uncontrollably. It was one of the most awful moments of my life. I don't even remember what it felt like when she placed DD in my arms. I only remember watching bmom slowly walking down the hall with the baby. Before I knew it, she'd turned around and started slowly walking away again. She never looked back. I haven't seen her since then, but I will never forget that moment - I'm crying now! Bmom and I both knew/understood what a tremendous thing this was. It was definitely not fun or 'oh happy day'. I say all of this to say that you don't know how you will feel when the time comes and you should absolutely take as much time as you need to make your decision. I like how Volfe said that, re-decide. I think that's the reason I feel so comfortable raising this child, knowing that her bmom chose us, decided on us, and re-decided again when she could have turned back. I don't feel like I "took" something from her and hopefully, she doesn't feel like we "stole" something either. Good luck to you, whether you parent or pursue an adoptive placement. My prayers are with you.

tobeafamily

Do not ever accept that without you, a couple who is infertile will be childless and devistated forever and this is 'not fair' to them. Nonsense. If they are meant to be parents, they will be. That destiny is not solely dependent on your decision to parent or not.

Regina. I like you.. What you wrote here is so darn important to me.. ItŒs a control thing.. Its controlling things (or being controlled) so others are happy and or okay.. Thats the subtle manipulation.. the one that is not seen.. Some people play into it.. work it.. Not allow things to go down as things are supposed to go down.. I believe that those are the ones who should be avoided.. and that takes a clear mind.. A clear mind that can watch and see the words being tossed around.. Telling a potential birthmother that she will have this and have that and do this and do that.. is looking at the future comfort of the mother.. not at whether the situation is workable.. Is supposed to happen.. You take what is in front of you.. like you say Regina.. When I gave my son up I knew.. I knew I was walking the correct path.. I knew it on a spiritual level.. Jackie

Hey, I'm a mom of a 3 year old with an excellent partner who is a terrific dad, a huge extended family and a very family-friendly job and I definitely in my heart cannot parent another child. Some of us are cut out to parent many, some a few, some only one. I happen to be one of those people. Coming to peace with that was a huge leap for me, especially with all the "Ryan needs a brother" and "when are you going to 'get' another one?" (man, I hate that term and yes, I correct it every time - not always nicely either). So if you find yourself in that same boat after this child is born, then don't feel there's something wrong with you or that you're the only one feeling this way. I am too. 'Nuff said. We're here for ya, no matter what you decide. Regina

Oh and the quote thingy - it is a bit tricky - when you hit quick reply, check option "quote message in reply" and it'll display the other person's text. How you pull in multiple people's quotes honestly is beyond my expertise. HTH Regina

Thanks Jackie. Your words mean a lot to me. I long ago accepted that there are no coincidences, everything (even bad things) happens for a reason, and if we are very attentive we will see and learn what the path presents to us. I hear a fair amount of "I don't understand how she could ever give her baby away. I could never do that." in a something's-wrong-with-her tone. I tell them this: God gave you the strength in your heart to parent the child who came to you - be it by birth, marriage, or adoption. God gave her the strength in her heart to not parent the child she gave birth to. He gave me the strength to accept that my body was not going to bear another life. Yet it could nurture, protect and teach a life. Who are we to question God's purpose behind this? We are human, and cannot possibly say we 'know' the plan for each soul on earth. BTW my friends swear I'm a closet Bhuddist. Have no idea what I 'am', just spiritual I guess. JMHO Regina