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[font=Georgia][font=Verdana]Hello,I am due to have a baby in January. I am single (no longer with the baby's father) and just graduated from high school, and am supposed to be starting college next month. This baby was NOT planned, and neither my ex or I feel that we can raise a child at this point in our lives. (He is going into his sophomore year at college.) After college, I plan to go to law school - I have plans and dreams for my life and for the life of my future children and I just do not think that I would be the parent I could be when I'm ready now. (I just turned 18 in March - on Easter Sunday this year.) My ex thought that an abortion would be the best thing, but I can't do that. One of my good friends since elementary school was adopted and having known her for years, I believe that putting my baby up for adoption is the right thing to do. I've thought about it, talked about it with my parents and my pastor, and prayed about it and it feels right - once I made the decision that this is what I want to do, I started feeling at peace and not anxious and upset stomachey like I had been since I found out I was pregnant. Okay, some of that was probably morning sickness too but that seems to be fading now, I hope!I have deferred my acceptance to school for a year (with my parents' approval) because I don't want my first year of college to be complicated by being pregnant - I'm supposed to be living in a dorm and all. I've got a job working in an office, and will keep that job after the baby is born until next August when I start school. I never thought I'd be talking to my boss about maternity leave at my age!! At least this way I'll have something to occupy myself with and also to make some money for school next year.I found this site while researching my options. What I would like to do is to choose the parents for my baby and meet them and talk to them before the baby is born, but I don't think I want to do an "open" adoption with visiting and seeing the baby afterward. Can I do that or is it not possible to meet the parents first but not to see them after? I've read some things here about birthparents "closing" adoptions and how upset the adopting parents are and I wouldn't want to cause strife for my child's family. Maybe I'd want to meet my child when she/he is grown up, down the road, but I just don't think I could see them right away, while they are little.Also, I called an agency downstate (NYC) and talked to a lady there and I didn't like her tone or attitude. I've always seen those ads in the newspapers and pennysavers from people wanting to adopt - can I just pick a family that way? I've also found some sites with people wanting to adopt online. (Google sure turns up a lot of stuff about adoption!!) I guess that I would need to hire a lawyer if I don't have an agency then? My parents are willing to help me with the costs of this, as is my ex's family (his parents don't think I should have an abortion, just him). I also have insurance through my parents too, so I should be all set with that.If anybody has any words of wisdom for me, please let me know. I think I will probably be around this site for a while now that I have found it. THere is so much to read here!! Sincerely yours, Maralee[/font] [/font]
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Welcome, Maralee!
I am an adoptive mother and an adoptee, so I have no direct experience relating to your situation, but there are lots of great folks here on the forums that do and I am sure will be glad to share their experiences.
To answer your question about not using an agency - no, you do not need to work with an agency. You can do what is called an "independent" (was called "private" back when I was born in the early 70s) adoption. Yes, you will need to have a lawyer to represent YOU, along with a separate lawyer that represents the adoptive parents.
As far as the level of openness/contact you wish to have once your baby is born, that is entirely up to you and the adoptive parents. We spent time talking with our daughter's birthparents and wrote out an open adoption agreement together. These are legally binding in some states and not in others, but ought to be morally binding in any event. When you are talking to prospective adoptive parents, be clear and firm about your wishes, because YOU are your own strongest advocate. I'm glad to read that your family is supportive of you now - that is important.
So, welcome, please feel free to ask any questions you mgiht have, and if there is anything you're not sure about, you can always ask me or one of the other moderators (Kiwi, Crick, BrandyHagz, Jensboys, Support2Adopt). We're here to help!
Cheers!
Heather
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Hi Maralee! Welcome!
The search for an adoptive family shouldn't cost you ANYTHING! Any lawyer fees should be paid by the adoptive family.
You can search for a family any way you feel comfortable. If you're more comfortable sitting home and searching at your computer at on line family profiles then search that way. Again, the adoptive family is responsible for the cost of those ads and it doesn't cost you a thing to look. The instructions on how to contact the family are in the profile. If you're not comfortable with this you can contact any agency and let them show you profiles in person.
You can choose whatever type of adoption you want. Yes it is possible to get to know the adoptive parents and have them there with you in the delivery room even and then have no contact after. Just make sure you make your needs and wants clear when selecting a family.
When you find the perfect match you'll know it!
I am a ** mom and will ** you...watch out for people on these boards most are nice..but a few just want your baby. When you sign onto these boards you see banners, these are approved places that can help you as a birthmother. You can choose how open you want! You can choose the family. Don't ever feel like you owe anyone anything. You have sometime and it seems like you have been doing the right thing. Remember placing yoru baby shouldn't cost you any money. God Bless and good luck,Summer
[font=Comic Sans MS]Hi Maralee. I am a birthmother who had a closed adoption but I was able to choose the adoptive parents through anonymous profiles and learn about them through my social worker. I never met them, didn't want to, but like hopefulinpa said, you'll know when it's right. I just wanted to say that you sound like you've really got it together and I'm sure you'll work out the perfect plan for your baby. Just remember, you're running the show. Listen to you gut and be strong.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Take care.[/font]
[font=Verdana]Hello Maralee - [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]We hope you are doing well. I wanted to answer some of your questions that I don't think were answered yet. In regards to adoption cost, the adoptive couple should be paying for your attorney fees and any medical expenses that are not covered by your insurance. Legally there are things that the aparents can pay if they want to and there are things that they can not pay for. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]You do not need to work through an agency and can chose to select a couple on your own via friends/families, choosing a couple by looking at profiles on the internet, etc. I would think that you could hire an attorney now because most attorneys know that the adoptive couple would pay their expenses but if not you would be able to select a couple and then hire an attorney. For example, my husband and I have our profile posted on parentprofiles.com (not sure if this is ok to talk about here or not) and when a pbmom contacts us we would ask her if she has selected an attorney yet from her home state or not. If she has we would have our attorney contact her attorney and let them start talking about the placement. If she has not yet selected an attorney we would see if we could try to help her find one that she is comfortable with. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]As adoptive couples you can chose to hire an agency to have them help you locate a pbmom or you can network on your own via the internet, family, friends, etc. For our first adoption we hired an agency but found the bmom on our own. It is an amazing story how we found each other. So for our second adoption we thought we would try to post our profile on a website and also ask our family and friends to spread the word. My point is is that pbmoms and aparents can either go to an agency to find each other or other sources. I have had many bmoms tell me that they liked looking at profiles online because you can do it on your own time, in the privacy of your home/school and not feel pressured by an agency to make a decision. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]You have a lot of choices out there and we pray that you find peace with your decision. Like others have said, you will know it when you have found the right couple to place your child with.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]To the monitor - if I have said anything that I shouldn't have in this email please forgive me and edit the email as you see fit.[/font]
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Maralee...
I too am an adoptive mom but I want to say something that has not been said. Everyone has given you great advice about how to go about finding adoptive parents, etc. Definitely research whether you want to choose an agency or a lawyer but you need someone to represent your rights as the mother to this baby.
Anyway, what I want to say is that you should get some counseling, independent of either an adoption agency or an adoption lawyer- say through a crisis pregnancy center- regarding adoption, being a birthmom, grief counseling after the birth if you do place as well as single parenting. Even though right now, adoption is what you feel in heart is the right thing, the further along in your pregnancy you get and when the baby is born, you will want to re-make your decision about not parenting him/her.
Make sure you also look into what resources you can use if you do decide to parent. Collect information about financial aid for school, insurance if you won't be covered under your parents ( your child should be eligible for medicaid ), housing.
You can go to school and be a mom, you can become a lawyer and be a mom.
Before you go through with an adoption plan, you can reassure yourself that you are making the best decision possible for your child by having all the information together you need for both parenting and adoption.
I hope this doesn't come across that your desire to make an adoption plan is wrong. I just know as an adoptive mom, I would want my child's birthmom to have been fully informed of her rights and how she could obtain resources to parent before she truly made the decision to relinquish (because once the revocation period is over- each state is different- you cannot go back) after the baby is born.
Take care and good luck on your research.
Erin
Hi Maralee,
Echoing Erin's advice to please get some counseling from a psychologist or master's-level counselor. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.
A couple other things...
Erin is correct that you can go to school and be a mom. I know women who have done it. It might take you longer, but it'd DEFINITELY doable.
Also, your dreams of becoming a lawyer might seem less important to you once you've had a child and relinquished. Maybe not, but that's how it worked out for me: my whole life I planned on going to grad school right out of college. Instead, I relinquished a baby the summer before senior year of college, and decided to get married and start a family immediately--because grad school and my career goals were suddenly MUCH less important to me than having a child.
Finally, even if you think you want a closed adoption, pick a couple who would like an open adoption. That way, if you change your mind at some point, the adoptive parents will be willing to let you have visits, pictures, etc. If you choose adoptive parents who only want a closed adoption, and then you change your mind on what kind of contact you'd like, you're stuck.
Keep us posted....... And good luck as you assess all your options.
Nicole
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Hello everyone,Thanks for taking the time to respond to my message. I appreciate it.I will take the advice to find a counsellor into consideration! :) Does anyone know how I would go about finding someone to talk to in this field? I still haven't found an agency that I like, in terms of their attitude to me when I explain why I am calling. They are either too sugary sweet and kind of condescending (like because I'm pregnant, I must be some kind of dumb, young thing) or they sound like they are doing me a favor by swooping in to my rescue. I don't need to be rescued, and I'm not dumb!! (I could show them the semester's worth of AP credits I'm bringing with me to college if they want proof of that!!) I just want to talk to someone knowledgable about the process and to have some help in finding a family for the baby.I've been pretty tired lately, and just want to sleep all the time, so that is what I wind up doing almost as soon as I get home from work every day. My OBGYN is keeping a close eye on me because gestational diabetes run in the family and I'm trying to be careful about what I eat. I am having problems with food though, which is weird but things that I normally love to eat I suddenly can't stand the sight or more often the smell of, like meat. I'm a girl who likes her steak and my dad was grilling steaks for dinner last night and I almost puked at the smell of them when I went out on the patio!! I also can't stand the smell of scented things like my mom's potpourri and candles or my brother's stupid incense sticks that he burns 24-7 in his room. Okay, I never liked the smell of those before I was pregnant, but now they really churn up my stomach. I shouldn't complain though!!I saw my ex the other night and he said he wants to come over and "hang out" this weekend. He is heading back to campus next week, and I think his mom is putting him up to it - to coming over I mean. He doesn't really want to look at me since I'm showing a little bit now (and my chest is HUGE these days too) because he doesn't like to be reminded of the baby. I told him if he really wants to be supportive of me (the line he was spouting the other night) then he will look through the profiles of adopting parents with me and give me his input. He really isn't interested though. We'll see what happens if he does come over tomorrow.Well I am at work so I should stop hanging out on this website and finish up so I can hopefully go home a little early. THe office is dead and the phone has only rung one time since lunch so I am not feeling too too guilty about surfing the net on company time, but it isn't what they pay me for irregardless. I'll be back this weekend!Sincerely,Maralee
Hi Maralee! I just wanted to wish you luck in finding adoptive parents for your baby. I also wanted to commend you on making the decision to place your child for adoption. It sounds like you are a very smart woman!On finding a counselor, you should be able to talk to someone for free at a local pregancy crisis center. When you do find a couple, they should be willing to pay for you to have counseling also, before the birth and afterwards too. The internet should have some listings of some where you live. I can help you search for some if you need help. As to the openness of your adoption, you just need to be really specific when talking to couples about what you want. You will find the right couple! I will send you my thoughts and prayers that this pregnancy goes smoothly and you find the couple you are looking for! Smokymtngal