Spoke with a counselor

Hi Donna! Thanks, isn't this great!! Isn't Maria great!! And H too!! What an awesome family!!! Hi Maria! Awesome post, I just need to clarify one personal point; Peace I strived for, and I always have had love for Jim's parents, since day one. I just want to clarify that in my closed adoption, 20 years ago, I was subjected to family and agency pressure to place, and no one would reach out to help me to parent, no family, even though I asked them outright. I am at peace now, because I know that Jim is okay, but I'm still struggling (which makes me feel kind of guilty) to make peace with what happened long ago. Even so, when it was done and Jim was with his mom and dad, that was it, they were his mom and dad, and that did give me comfort, even though I didn't know them personally until this past December. It's hard to put into words, it really is. And so many from the forum were around me here on the forum when I received this news, and when I met him and his family for the first time. It was and is just amazing! :) Me too!! Maria, your advice to anyone thinking about adoption is invaluable. I hope everyone considering it finds their way to this thread. I think, because my situation was a certain way, and yours and H's seem so different, so much more positive for the time of Star's young life, so trusting and filled with promise, that I am just awestruck by it. It is amazing, and I really pray that many prospective parents, both adoptive and birthparents, can learn from you. AWESOME! :)

Donna thanks for acknowledging our dialog. I honestly hope that NO ONE thinks that I high jacked this thread it was truly not our intention. Pluma and many others in her situation have a lot of decisions to make. By sharing my journey, the good, bad and ugly I had hoped that NO ONE would think that the decision to place would be easy. I didnt candy coat anything because people need to know what we have and had experienced. I can honestly say that H and I worked at our relationship. We have a small saying next to one of our pictures ғFriends by Chance, Family by ChoiceŔ Once when she was really angry I asked her if she ever regretted her choice. Even though she was trying to push me away and said some hurtful things her answer was NOӅI have never regretted putting her up for adoption and have Never regretted choosing you guys. I am just not parent material. I am angry because she is getting to live the life that I have always wanted and I am mad because I know that she will be better off with you than me. This was a turning point for both of us. Trust me if she had regretted her decision to place she would have had no problem telling me of her regrets while she was verbally blasting me. We agreed to NO Contact for at least a month. After our cooling off period we redefined our relationship. We talked about what we both needed from the relationship and we shared our expectations. Since then we have stayed on track, that was well over a year and a half ago. I have NEVER experienced a relationship like ours. And frankly I donԒt think that I will ever find one quite like it. For someone so young H is VERY wise. H truly believes that SHE has the best of both worlds; she can live her dream and still enjoy a quality relationship with Star. Adoption may not be for everyone, for us it has worked out great! I know that it has been 20 plus years since you placed Jim however I want to say that YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD knowing the choices that you had at that time in your life. The fact that the two of you have been reunited is a true testament of your undying love for him. I really believe that even though someone places a baby for adoption that love is a love that a Birth MOM will carry in her heart forever. You could have let your decision eat you up alive instead YOU chose to accept (all be it not easily) your decision and went on to marry and create a wonderful life for you and your other children. I would bet that Jim and his family are just as proud of you as you are of them. I truly hope that all of you live Happily Ever After... Your story is exactly why I love these forums. Sometimes people learn from our experiences. Because we dare to share someone may be able to get the support that they need when their pleas, questions and concerns fall on deaf ears thus allowing them to make better choices. I am very glad that things worked out in the end for you and your son. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and for validating my journey. When it comes to relationships we all have something to offer. I really believe that we can learn from the experiences on this forum or we can choose to ignore those who have traveled the path before us. Pluma no matter what direction you or the other women on this forum choose to go we ALL owe it you to listen and NEVER judge. I really believe that sometimes we have to absorb what we read or hear and determine weather or not what we have to share will be of value. I am hoping that what I shared will be of value, for those who are skeptics you are entitled to your opinions as well. I know the truth and I know that no matter what anyone says Star will be the one who will be sitting on top of the winners circle because she has the love of two families who will support and encourage her as she grows into the wonderful loving and giving person she is meant to be.

I happen to be lucky enough to be able to live my dream with my daughter, our family and Hs family, together҅we can GET THROUGH ANYTHINGBECAUSE WE ARE DRUNK WITH JOY AND OUR CUPS OF LOVE RUNNETH OVERŅ. Hugs and Peace to all. May your journey bring you the love and happiness that you deserve. :) Maria

Hi Maria! I think our conversation just evolved, and it was a really informative one at that, and our discussions included the difficult parts of our journeys, as well as the good stuff! Thanks so much for your positive comments about my journey. A year ago, I never thought this reunion would be possible, not this early. And it's been just so wonderful. I did move on and marry and have more children, I am so blessed with them all! I'm still working on the things that I harbor resentment about. I'd love to just get rid of that stuff, and I'm working on how to resolve it all. Above all else, I am enjoying my expanded family, watching Eric and Kristen and Jim together, and listening to them laugh and tease each other too. I am embracing my relationship with Jim and his family. His 93 year-old grandmother is an amazing woman. His dad is really sensitive, and loves to share stories about when Jim was little. His face just lights up when he talks about that, and it warms my heart. And Jim's mom, I can't find the words to explain our relationship. It's like we are sisters, but that's not the right word, it's so unique and always will be. She is just the most special person, and I have so much fun talking with her about the kids, and just about anything too. She's vivacious and funny, and such a kind-hearted person. So I hold onto my blessings, they mean everything to me!! Conversations like the one we've had here remind me of all of that. :) Here, Here! And to you, too, Maria! You are an awesome mom!

Utahsky, I havn't read the whole thread (just first and last pages) but wanted to give you another point of view.This is my perosnal opinion and I would not try and say that you will feel the way I have done - this is your decision and its your life. I am the birth mother of a lovley little 5 monht old planned baby. I have a supportive husband and we are financially in a decent situation. HOwever I am considering adoption. Many people have made comments on this thread and others that 'of course you can go to college and raise a child on no money and still enjoy your life/get good grades etc' For some people this is true - however for some people it isn't. If you KNOW that you want to go to college/university, and you are afriad that you cna't accomplish this and care for a child properly then don't feel that just because some women manage it that you have to try. Some women manage to overcome cancer and run a marathon, that doesn't mean that doing the same is the right thing for everyone. Many people have commented that adoption has a negative impact that lasts for the rest of your life, I think it coudl also have a positive impact if you make a decision based on what is right for you. You will have the reassurance of knowing that you did make the decision you wanted and that the baby is now in a family that wants it and can raise it. Here's a few things to consider about being a parent. Being a single parent is hard - incredibly hard. I'm married but my husband works long hours and I have no family or friends nearby - i find it incredibly hard nearly every day.Having a baby/child is expensive, even on a decent salary i have to look for bargains, do without things i would have bought for myself etcHavign a baby is tiring, my baby sleeps well at night (generally) but I am still struggling in a fog of exhaustion.Having a baby is mentally draining, fully commiting to your studies on 2 hrs sleep, when you are worried abotu a sick baby, or when your head is full of baby health textbooks instead of your course material is hard. To you and anyone else in this situation I'd say think carefully about the reality of day to day care, are any of the people who say 'you can do it' going to be on hand for childcare? the support services you are told you can access - do they offer financial help and/or free childcare? What would you do if you have an assignment due and your baby is ill? this is currently happening to me - and I may not pass this module because i've lost 3 weeks due to baby illness. What do you do if baby keeps you up half the night before an exam - and this things will happen. Even the best of babies has weeks when they wake up, or get sick. And finally having a child is for life - none of this goes away. So think about 2 yrs time when you're dealing with the 'terrible two's' 5 years time when your child is ill and can't go to school and you have no daycare, 10 years time when you have to try and find a decent school for them, 15 years time when you have a teenager on your hands, 20 years time when they need your help and money for college. I'm aware this is a post about the negative aspects of parenting - but you seemed to be getting alot of advice about the negative side of adoption. I wanted to point out that parenting isn't the best option for everyone and its a lot harder and more complex than just 'having a baby'

Riab - thank you for your honest post. I had posted on another thread that I have decided to do an adoption and am currently looking for a family for the baby. It's been a stressful time for me because I'm not finding the "right" family! I am taking my counselor's advice though and taking all the time I need to make the best decision. I am now thinking of going to other websites to look at profiles but not sure how to go about that or where to look even. I don't want to ask my counselor b/c obviously she wants to find a family through their agency. I'm sorry things have been so hard for you and wish you all the best!

Utahsky, I just wanted to let you know that there are TONS of waiting parents online. Also, it may be easier for you to do some networking. Ask friends if they know anyone interested in adopting. I actually (while waiting for a placement ourselves) was able to help facilitate *2* for other people. It didn't feel right for us, but I knew other couples that fit. Our placement ended up happening thanks to another person refering us rather than take the placement that didn't fit. You may feel better knowing someone who knows the aparents. More than anything I strongly suggest that you trust yourself. Pretty soon, all the waiting couples will start to sound alike. Approach it as if you were marrying them. They will become family and you will forever be connected. Make sure they are easy to talk to. Focus on personalities more than material issues. Most likely your child WILL have YOUR personality. He/She will NEED to fit in to the adoptive family. Most of the birthmoms I have spoken at length with don't regret their decision because they educated themselves on all the options. They also have something else in common. They all felt a sense of peace and ease regarding the birthfamily. The comment I hear most is... "They just FELT like FAMILY to me even though they were strangers.." It's that feeling you should wait for. Everything said here is valid. Some never recover and some recover quite quickly, but no-one is ever the same after an adoption. I can give you the email of someone your age who placed about 2 yrs ago (not with us). I was a sounding board for her thru her grief when everyone else was sick of hearing about it. I also witnessed her journey thru the grief into stability. She will be honest with you and her story is one that seems to occur more often in our time/culture. She was not pressured into anything. She still has hard days, and she has unique challenges in college because of placing a child, but she is emotionally healthy and in a semi-open (possibly fully open now) adoption.

riab, Are you getting counseling???? From a non-biased counselor??? PLEASE do so before making an adoption plan for your child. Also, is there any possibility you are suffering from post-partum depression? ... I ask only because it is somewhat common for people to think about making major life changes when they're depressed. Please, please, please get some good counseling before doing anything, no matter which way (continuing to parent or placing) you are leaning. (((((((Hugs)))))))). I hope things get better for you, your baby, and your dh. Nicole

Dear Pluma, I have one suggestion that an adoption counselor will never tell you - make a backup plan to take your baby home in case you change your mind after your baby is born. Even if you are 100% for adoption now, you may be 100% against it after you hold your baby the first time. If you aren't prepared to take the baby with you, the agency has you backed into a corner and you may feel forced to relinquish even though you have changed your mind. My daughter felt that she was not ready to be a Mom either - still in college. But she fell in love with her son the moment she saw him. Fortunately, her first plan was to parent and then, if she felt she could not make it, seek adoption. Her son is 4 months now and she has never been happier. She is taking this semester off and will return to school in the spring. The baby's father is "unavailable". Adoption may be right for you but your agency is definitely soft-selling the pain that you will likely feel when you relinquish your child. Agencies have to lie about that otherwise they would not be able to make big $$$$s off you. I agree with the posters who tell you that there is no rush. Take your time and get some counseling from someone outside of the agency. In some states, the potentional adoptive parents are required to hire an independent counselor for you. Good luck. I wish you all the best. Happy G'Ma

Riab- I too hope that you will check into some independent counseling. It sounds like you are very overwhelmed and may have some PPD going on (not saying you do, I can just relate to what you posted because I too felt that way after my twins were born). I hope things get better for you soon and that no matter what decision you make, you have a good support system around you.

Riab, anyone can get overwhelmed by parenting.... Even those who adopt. I did. Is there possibility of having a relative or friend come stay with you for a few weeks? It sounds like PPD to me too. Adoptive parents have their own version of it called PAD. It's not just hormonal. I hope you find the help you need in whatever form.

Hi all...hope everyone is doing well! I'm "waddling" along as we say. lol. Baby is doing great and I'm on afternoon shifts now with my hostessing job. Mornings are hard for me as I don't sleep well, so now the pressure to be up in the morning is gone and it really did make a difference! Am still communicating with the couple I've chosen and so far so good. I don't "FEEL" all the things I thought I would, but they are a great couple. What I mean is I didn't get that "I just know it" feeling. I do hope it all works out, and am terrified that it will not. Terrified at the last moment, I'll say "no, this is not the couple I want to raise the baby"! Suppose that is normal, but still scary because I don't have "that feeling". I'm praying it all works out and trying to stay positive. Just wanted to say "hi"!Pluma

Dear Pluma, Because you are having doubts, I think it is a good idea to make a backup plan for where to go after the hospital in case you just can't do it. Have you bought a few things for the baby just in case? Do you have counseling in place and/or someone to be with you if you do decide to place your baby? I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to make such an important decision and wish you all of the best. Happy G'Ma

Hi Pluma, I responded on the other thread you had posted -- where you mentioned that you may have found a potential family for the baby. It is great that you have more time to keep talking with the potential aparents and getting to know them better. Other than not having the "feeling" of just knowing that they are the ones, are there other concerns you have about this family in particular? (Not that you have to share them here, just something for you to really ask yourself as you continue communicating with the couple). I can only imagine that the entire process must be quite surreal and as it gets closer to your edd, it may feel even more awkward and uncertain than ever. But if over time you find that you really do have doubts about this potential afamily or about placing the baby for adoption at all, please feel free to slow things down, and allow yourself time to evaluate and re-evaluate your thoughts and feelings. You and your baby deserve for you to feel as comfortable with your adoption decision and the family you choose as you possibly can -- given the complexity of the situation. I hope that your counselor is continuing to be supportive of you throughout this pregnancy and that you have other family and friends to lean on to get you through these next weeks. Is your counselor helping you establish a birth plan for how you want things to go at the hospital itself? We did not have this with our son's birthmom and just took our cues from her as things unfolded. It would be great to spend some time now thinking about how you might want things to happen (with the idea that the plans remain flexible to meet your needs if they change during labor and delivery or following your baby's birth). I also agree with happy g'ma that it would be great to have an alternate plan in mind in case parenting seems best to you, once your daughter is born. And, it would also be great to flesh out your plans for how things will be for you once the baby is born if you do go ahead with adoption (who will be with you, where you will go when you leave the hospital, etc.). It is great that you have been able to change your work schedule to one that is better for you now. Will your work be generous/flexible with your leave following the birth? Thinking of you. Glad to hear and update and wishing you all the best. -Ellie

Please let your CW know that you aren't 100% positive about this couple... It isn't fair to let them THINK you are and then change your mind... I had ZERO devastation when we weren't picked one time, because I knew up front that she was still a little unsure... It was SO MUCH EASIER just knowing the truth.. I was fine just helping her with her decision making process and to tell the truth, we didn't have the "this is it" feeling either..... I would have been just dandy knowing that I was at the top of a list that was still a work in progress..even if I knew she was looking at other couples... BTW you may be interested to find out that when you "pick" a couple... their file is on "firm hold" which means their file WILL NOT be shown to any other bparents... But if you take them off firm hold, there is a chance they will be picked by soemone else and then you wouldn't be able to choose them either.... Honesty is so crucial. I hate it when I am not sure where exactly I stand with my dd's bmom. I wish she wouldn't be so worried about my feelings...I'm pretty tough and I can handle whatever she needs me to. Just a thought! Glad to hear things are progressing well at work (I hate mornings too). One last thought... Perhaps you don't feel all the way at peace with your choice of couple because you don't know ENOUGH about them.... Don't hesitate to be nosy... they won't mind,and YOU deserve to have all the info you can get up front to help you decide.

Just walking down memory lane a bit. Been a long time since I posted. I'm doing okay though.