need some advice, don't know where else to go

I am so sorry for your lack of support. What an emotional time for you. Remember you don't have to hurry and find a family if you don't feel brave enough yet. My sister waited till she was due in three weeks to even contact an agency. She decided on a family (1/2 hour drive away, agreed on five visits a year) five days before labor and believe me they were READY! I imagine it's nice to include the potential adoptive parents in the prenatel visits and I know you'll want to get to know them too, but when your ready you'll know it. This is how she did it; she called two agencies and they sent her a small book of waiting families in her state (a letter from them and a picture) and some information about the agency. She decided on three families to inquire about and called one and asked them questions and liked them and picked them. PS. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 kids I know conceived while on birth control-their parents are thankful-but what is with that stuff?!?

Alanna, First, I'd highly recommend you get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it). This is a resource and education group - not an agency. Understand second that there are ethical and less-than-ethical adoption agencies. Some will provide you with unbiased counseling designed to help you sort out what is best for you to do, including parenting your child. Others will paint very positive pictures of adoption and negative of parenting, and pressure you to place. Avoid the latter. Not sure? Tell them you're thinking about parenting. If they discourage this, telling you how hard it is or how much you'll struggle, they're not really unbiased. Adoption is hard. Even in the best situations, it is hard. You will grieve, as will your child. Relationships are built on trust and respect. They take time and energy. If you do place, be sure you do so with a family that has demonstrated both of these. From an adoption website: Adoptive Parent Scams It seems that birth moms also need to look for warning signs that adoptive parents may not be able to work with them or will not follow through with the agreed upon contact. I have heard from several birth moms who have had this happen. If you are a birth mom looking for a family for your child watch for these possible warning signs. 1. A family that tells you how much contact they want after the birth then change it when you tell them it is different than you need. 2. A family that makes demands rather than requests. 3. A family that does not return your emails or phone calls. 4. A family that seems like they are desperate and will do anything to get your baby. Adoptive families we need to be certain to care about the feeling and needs of birth mothers. These incredible woman give us gifts of life. Please be sensitive and caring about them not just the baby they carry. Also live up to word of what you agreed to after the adoption (pictures, visits, etc.). I have talked to many birth moms devastated because after the adoption the adoptive family stopped sending photos and letters or refused the visits. Please give you word and keep your word! ****** There are benefits to using an ethical agency, pirmarily that they do have a wealth of information and the families they work with are all 'homestudy ready' - i.e. their backgrounds have been investigated for ability to parent. I would also consider speaking with an attorney in your area that specializes in adoption. Engaging an attorney to represent you helps you to ensure that your rights are being protected and that you have an 'advocate'. Usually they provide services to expectant parents pro bono. The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys has it's member list online at [url]www.adoptionattorneys.com[/url]. Call at least three in your local area. OK feel like this is rambling and disjointed. Please feel free to ask questions, etc. There are many on this board to 'listen' and help. Hang in there. Regina PS BTW if anyone PM's you offering to parent your baby, please report it to a moderator. It's against the TOS to contact this way.

Hello Alanna, and welcome! I hope that you find a lot of information and support here. There are many terrific members of these boards from all sides of the adoption triad (I myself am an adoptee and an adoptive mother) who are happy to share their stories and experiences, both good and bad, with adoption. I am one of the moderators here, along with Crick, Kiwi, BrandyHagz, Jensboys and Support2Adopt. We're here to help! If you have any questions, or if anyone tries to solicit you either via a private message (PM) or email, please contact one of us and let us know. Soliciation of an expectant parent is absolutely NOT allowed here on the forums. Wishing you all the best with whatever decision you make for you and your baby. Heather (MrsSmith)

Hi Alanna, You have come to the right place for some support. When our daughters Birthmom was trying to find a family she too was overwhelmed with various emotions. To make things easier on herself she went out to ParentProfiles.com and did a search for families in her state. The great thing about Parent Profiles is that everyone listed there has been approved by their state for adoption. In our case the Birth mom wanted an Open Adoption, someone with No children and someone willing to send pictures. Though H was only 3 weeks along she sent out an e-mail out to several families basically saying that she came across our profiles and wanted to get to know us via e-mail prior to making "the call". She also told us that she wanted a private adoption where there were No agencies or middle men. She wanted to know that if things didn't work out with a family it was because they didn't work out and NOT because of a third party. We corresponded for a few days and found some common things to talk about such as we both loved the Ocean and we both had fish tanks, we both loved wearing blue jeans and shopping at Walmart and Christmas was our favorite time of year. We are world travelers she has always dreamed of traveling. One of the neat things about e-mail for us was that we could read each others words and find comfort without being so nervous. Most people write like they think so that really opened a lot of doors for us. After a few days she could tell which people she felt most comfortable with then she called them. She didnt want to come across to anxious so she told me that she was talking to several families. I said great҅I was honest and told her that I was a bit nervous however I felt that she should explore All options. Though I would love to talk to her I would understand if she found another family prior to calling us. She loved my response and called me immediately. After talking on the phone with her for over an hour she asked us to be her babies parents. It has been a match made in Heaven. We have a very OPEN adoption and are great friends. We still see each other often and talk on the phone quite a bit. My point to all this is that the Adoptive Families are often just as nervous as you are. If the family is not a right fit keep looking. When you find the family that fits you best you will know in your heart of all hearts. Being emotional and nervous is normal, at times we all get overwhelmed but the best thing is to be honest about your thoughts and feelings and see where it takes you. When H was in her seventh month we ALL decided to use an Adoption agency that our attorney worked with so that we could help her with some Postpartum expenses. At first H was dead set against it, she had a difficult pregnancy and she lost her job. We wanted to help cover her rent and pay a few of her expenses until she could get back on her feet the only way we could do that was through the agency. By waiting till she was in her seventh month we had built a strong enough relationship that we knew what her wants and needs were. For H her piece of mind was that she wanted to make sure that NO ONE in the agency was going to try to convince her to try to find another family or to parent. She wanted to do the Adoption her way and with NO INTERFERRANCE from anyone. As fate would have it, it all worked out for all of us. By the way H lived about 5-6 hours away from us (depended on who was driving) that didnt stop us from going to all her doctor appointments. She wanted us in the delivery room; believe me we wanted to be there. I was lucky enough to be the first to hold our daughter and I even nursed her with HҒs blessing. We see each other every couple of months. H knows where we live and has met my ENTIRE family. This past year our daughter turned two, H and her family didnt feel comfortable coming to her Birthday party because they felt it was sacred. So҅they threw Star a Birthday party in their home town with their family, all we had to do was show up. Since we knew Hs family it was like a family reunion. Star calls H, and her mom and dad by their first name. When Star is old enough H, my husband and I plan on telling Star about our adoption journey. In the mean time I have a picture of H and her birth father in Stars room. I hope our story helps. If you need any additional support drop me a note. Hugs, Maria

Hi there. I know how emotional of a time this can be for you. I just gave my baby up for adoption yesterday. He was born on Saturday. Like somebody else said, don't feel rushed about finding an agency or a family. I had just sent in my paperwork, and the next day I went into labor! Of course this has all been a very confusing time. In the hospital I thought I was prepared. But now that I know that he's gone, it's been very difficult. But I know the decision I made is right. You just have to ask yourself, "Is this right for me?". I have another child, a girl, who I had when I was only 16 (I am 18 now). At the time, I was being pressured into adoption. It just wasn't right for me. I'm still with the father of both children, but at the time I was living at home and had lots of support. But now we are on our own, and between work, school, my 2 year old, our income, etc., there is no way we could take care of a newborn the way we would want. Make sure you find an agency you feel comfortable with. They should not pressure you in any way, if they do, find another agency. With my first pregnancy, the case worker was trying everything to make me see that I could not take care of a child. With this pregnancy, my case worker was telling me that nobody would be mad if I really wanted to parent, because they have a lot of birthmoms that do want to parent but are scared to say so. She was extremely nice, and made the process much easier. I will always miss my child deeply, and I will tell you that sometimes the pain is crippling. But when I think about handing my son to his new mother for the first time, and seeing how happy she was and how she was even trying not to cry, it makes it worth it. I know I helped another family by sacrificing part of mine, and I know that they have been through a lot of hard times too. He is going to a great home with lots of love, and everything else that I would have given him had I the opportunity. Just make sure that this is the right plan for you. If you realize you truly want to parent, just be honest. If adoption is the way you want to go, then you are very courageous. I hope everything goes well for you and your baby. Good luck. With love.

Hi Shari, Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad that you felt that you did the right thing. I want you to know that there are plenty of people here who will offer some support when you need it. Be gentle with yourself, the next few months may be filled with an array of emotions which can range from anger to despair. Please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As someone who had a child placed in my arms I must say that the overwhelming joy of finally having a child to love and honor is with me every single day. Even on those days when I am tired and just want to get some sleep I am thrilled to hear my daughter playing, crying, laughing or calling my name. Having her in my life makes me feel alive and gives me a sense of purpose. Your love for your children will be very deep even though one is not in your home with you. When women place a baby through adoption I like to remind them that when you placed your baby in the arms of another it does NOT mean that you will stop loving that baby. You made that decision out of love for your child and the children who you are currently raising. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have your life fulfilled. The best gift that you can give ALL of your children is to love yourself and allow yourself to work through what ever feelings that come into your heart. As you work through those feelings I hope and pray that you will become stronger and more confident in your choice. All the info that you shared with Alanna is right on target. If the two of you can reach out to each other then you can both have someone who truly understands what the other is going through. I am not sure if you went through an agency if you did you may want to find out if they offer counseling after the baby is born. If they do find out how often the sessions are and when does the offer for counseling expire. Some agencies offer it until the baby is 6 weeks old others only offer it for two or three visits. Whatever is being offered please consider taking the counseling it will help you in the long run as you continue the journey. Ohmost of the time the counseling is free to birth mothers or those considering placement. Usually the adoptive families pay for that expenses weather you use it or not. Best wishes and please let me know if you need some support. You may wonder why I do this I reach out to people not only because I am older but because I am a mother. I hope that someday if one of my children need an additional amount of support I would hope that someone would reach out and share their life experiences so that my children can make the best decisions possible for their particular situation. Hugs to both of you, Maria

Isabo, You brought up some really great points. I was so focused on answering the how do I do this, what happens after I make that call and how do I deal with feeling like a three year old that I over looked telling SpiffyDragon to consult with her boyfriend. Having the birth fathers input or consent will be the key to helping you determine if you will need to even consider adoption as an option. Isabo I am so sorry that you have regrets for placing your child. Thank you for acknowledging that some Adoption experiences can be good while some experiences can be filled with regret. I also wanted to add that others choose to parent. Again you are right there is NO real hurry to make a decision. Granted it may give you piece of mind because you are exploring your options but the bottom line is that you might change your mind a hundred times before the baby is born and you may change your mind after the baby is born. As long as you have not RELINQUISHED (given up your rights to parent) you can decide to parent. There are many wonderful resources available for single parents if that is the path you choose. Knowledge is power so exploring your options may give you the confidence that you need to make the decision that is best for you. No matter what you decide there will be people who will offer their opinions. Regardless of what they say YOU should do what is best for you. Coming to a site like this is a great way to get some insight from others who have taken this journey. Some may be pro adoption others may be totally against it at least you will have a chance to hear all sides so that you can make an informed decision. Take care of yourself, Maria

Lsabo said: "You have a lot of time to make your decision, and I discourage you from contacting potential adoptive parents too soon. This decision whether to relinquish your child needs to be about what is right for you and your baby and not about the feelings and concerns of potential adoptive parents. There is plenty of time to find the right adoptive couple, AFTER and IF you decide that adoption is right for you." I just wanted to agree with this from an aparent's perspective, too. I, for one, was so relieved that our DD's bmom explored all of her options and was sure/committed to adoption (as much as she could be) before contacting us. I certainly didn't want to be blamed for pressuring her one way or another, and being less invested/attached helped in that regard.

i couldnt agree more. even though he is gone we still have little things around the house to remember him by. his adoptive parents gave us a really lovely wooden carved keepsake box, and we put mine and his hospital bands in it together. we also have a blanket of his from the hospital, and i bought a locket that now has a picture of him and Divina (the child i chose to parent from an earlier pregnancy) and i wear it all the time. just because he isn't with us in person doesn't mean we dont still think about him or love him any less. and we know we will be recieving things from him and his family in the near future, and that we are always allowed to send things about ourselves so he knows what we're like when he's older. i have to admit that when i was pregnant i didnt think i wanted an open adoption, but after he was born everything changed. i'm glad that the agency we went through did not expect us to commit to one or the other, or i would be very sad now. hope you are doing well. love, sharie

Sharie, I wanted to add that for us one of the many great things about Open Adoption is that our daughter will still get to know and spend time with her birth family. We believe that there can NEVER be to many people loving our daughter. H gave Star roots we will give her wings...the love from both our families will help her grow into the woman she is meant to be... May your heart be filled with peace... Hugs, Maria

Maria,Thanks for your support. We do have an open adoption so I am excited to recieve pictures from them, and it makes me really glad that I can send gifts for them and the baby, too. It definitely makes the whole process better because I know he isn't out of our lives.

I know it's been a really long time since I've gotten on the forums but today I was posting a blog about open records, adoption reform and open adoption all together and realized I needed some information from this cite.But since I'm here, I thought I would take this oppurtunity to thank all of you for the kind words, advice and support you gave me when I needed it most. It meant a great deal to me that there were complete strangers out there willing to lend a shoulder and some kind words to a very scared pregnant woman.But on to what happened, as I'm sure those of you who cared enough to send messages and respond here may be curious to know. I did go through an open adoption, but unfortunately, in my state it's a verbal, "gentlemen's" agreement solely. Legally, there's nothing stating this whichis why I feel so incredibly lucky for the parents I had found. I found them approx. 8 weeks before I delivered and just instantly knew they were the ones.On my birthday, January 10th 2006, I had a beautiful baby boy, 8lbs11oz, 20 and a half inches long and a full head of hair, thus proving the old wives tale of lots of heartburn means you'll have a hairy baby true. The parents and I chose his name together, Jeremy Nicholas. I ended up having him c-section and spent 4 days in the hospital. The first three he stayed with me, a deluge of visitors came to see him. Friends and family both of mine and the parents. They were a very happy 3 days. On the 3rd day I decided to let the parents, Mark and Mary, take him home. It was both a sad and happy occasion. Me and Mary were crying our eyes out as we said goodbye, even though we knew we'd see each other in a week or so, we both truly understood what this moment meant for the both of us. I spent the last day in the hospital cleaning up and relaxing with a good friend of mine.I did have a mild case of PPMD for about a week which I think was mostly due to the adoption. I knew I made the right decision and I still to this day feel that way, but my thoughts were flooded with depricating views of myself, and "what-ifs" in regards to them. An example, "what if he doesn't love me because of what I did? what if he hates me? etc etc." I reached out to my adoption resources and best friends who were also my coaches throughout the pregnancy which helped a lot. And looking back on feeling that way, I know it was perfectly natural but I feel a lil silly about it all the same. Those fears and self-esteem issues rarely ever make an appearance anymore.I did eventually get ahold of the birthfather, September of last year, 2007, actually. Turns out he moved to Missouri. He told me he would e-mail the information I needed and was glad about the adoption (his words, "I wasn't ready to be a father, I was all over the place at that time, still am") but I never did get a reply. All I still know about him is his first name is James.Jeremy turns 3 this coming January. It's so wonderful being able to see him as he's growing up. There are lots of other experiences, very trying and difficult, wonderful and amazing that I went through during all of this. Way too many to type out here and now. But I am aspiring to become a therapist in all things sexually related, including crisis pregnancies. I feel from my experience I have a lot to offer in advice, empathy and understanding. I also find that unless you're a birthmom, who's gone through an open adoption, whether verbal or legal, and it's working out for you, there's a specific feeling, a certain range of emotions that noone else quite gets or understands unless you find yourself in the exact position. Recently I discovered that one of my good friend's girlfriend is exactly like me in those respects and we've been forming a good friendship on those common feelings. If you feel you need someone to talk to like this, just send me a message and I'd be more than happy to reply.

Everyone is giving you good advice. You should come here often and post questions to those who have been in your shoes. I have not ever been in your shoes, but am an adoptive parent. I am very concerned about the rights of bparents, based on the experience we had with our adoption agency. Things were said that should not have, we were encouraged to agree to things and then not follow through, we were told to "tell her what she wants to hear." We did none of this stuff. We told the bmom what type of contact we wanted, she wanted more, we agreed to compromise with hopes of meeting her wishes in the future. This happened this YEAR!!! Not all agencies are honest so beware. Three things we learned that may help you: 1. Do research on your agency. Find out if they are honest and if they really want to help you or just make a buck. 2. Find your own attorney. Many attorney's employed by the agency do not spend time working the cases. These attorneys can also be called as wittnesses in cases and will not be able to represent you or the AP's should you end up in court for any reason. Which for AP's means paying a lot more than expected, and for BP's it may mean ending up with a public attroney that will not work the case. 3. Pick an agency that you can deal with for life. You never know when the agency will become the 3rd party and you will have to deal with them forever. I hate our agency but they are now the 3rd party in our communication with the bmom. We are working with the judge to get this changed because we are not sure that the bmom is getting all of our letters and photos. I feel good about our adoption because we did not do what the agency said to do. But since they did not do their job in speaking with the bmom, we ended up in an adoption scam, and had to fight to keep the child. We would prefer a situation that was better researched by the agency, our situation was totally avoidable. You want to make sure that the agency KNOWS the AP's that they are sending your way. Seek counseling before you decide. Best wishes with your journey.

Spiffydragon, thanks for the update! The journey is for the rest of your life. I have been in reunion with my 36 year old bson for three years. His initial reaction was "she walked out my life, she needn't think she can just walk back in!" He expressed that to his adad; he has never said anything like that to me. He has come to understand that I love him and wanted only the best for him. The fact that you get to see your bson as he grows means he is less likely to feel abandoned by you!