I'm looking for my brother

I found out a few years ago that my mother too, put up a baby girl for adoption. And I totally agree 100% with what you said about feeling sorry for your mom's pain and hoping your brother was raised by a loving family. I feel the same way! I hope you find him. Still searchin'...... Laura

I found out when I was 13 years old that my Mother had a baby and gave her up for adoption. I felt sorry for my Mother also. I wish there was more support for the siblings. We may not go through the same thing as our Mothers or adoptees but we still have a hard time. I know I did. It was very hard for me knowing that I had another sister out there that I didn't know. That is why I wanted to start searching for her and I did when my sister turned 18. To make a long story kind of short. I searched for her for over six years found her we had some what of a happy reunion. Then my sisters decides to cut everyone off. She puts my Mom through more pain and sorrow. Then decides she wants something to do with my Mom then closes the door again. She really doesn't seem to have any interest in her other two sisters and brother. This is a very hard time even for the siblings.

I've known for a long time that I had a brother somewhere out there, and the circumstances around it, but when I sat down with my mom and we really talked about it recently, that's when it blew me away. She was helping me fill out some forms to request info from St. Anne's (they'll send her medical records if you send them a request signed by her, and they're full of info) and she was telling me the story of the whole thing. It made me really respect her because (and this is the short, nice version) she was treated like a third-class citizen in her own family, lied to and about, hidden and kept secret, all to maintain some aire of better-than-you-ness that my family had. She recognized that she was young, still living with the nutjobs I call relatives, and saw the opportunity to give my brother a better life. She was able to choose the couple, and chose two teachers who already had an adopted child. The more we talked the more my heart just burst with pride and love for my mom, because she did what was best for her son. She's always been terrified that he would hate her for choosing to put him up, so she never looked for him. Plus she'd heard it would take a lot of time and money to look for him, time and money she did not have. She chose, instead, to live with the dream that her son was living happily and healthfully and had a loving upbringing. I was kind of hesitant to look for him myself because I'd also been told it was difficult and expensive. I also had the fear that if he hated my mom, by proxy he'd hate me, too. But something changed and I decided to start looking for him. You know what I've spent so far? $6.22 for postage to various places filing ISRR forms, certified Sibling Consent Waivers with the state, and requesting info frmo St. Anne's. Sure, it takes time and effort, but anything worth doing does! Things keep running through my mind like what if he doesn't know he's adopted? What if he DOES hate my mom and me? What if he's dead? All the millions of what if's... but it's so worth finding out. I'm ready and willing, mom's supportive, and I'm excited. :-) If you decide to pursue it further, I wish you great luck, and if you need someone to talk to, we're all here, PM me if you want :-)

I am the adoptee side and here are my thoughts based on me. I knew I had 2 half brothers and a half sister on my bmothers side since I was about 20. I had no idea of there ages, only that they were younger. I was not willing to ruin their family if no one new about me. Turns out they did not know about me and reacted badly when they found out in their 40's, after their mother and father had passed away. I want a relationship - they do not. I think they might have if they had known all along. I always dreamed of meeting my siblings and having them as siblings, even before I new for sure that I had any. I am still hoping they will change their mind and on my bfathers side there is hope. The more open society becomes the less heart aches will happen from pulling back, not looking, holding things in too long and then not being able to deal with it when it happens. Society has made the secret prisons the bparents and adopted children have been in all these years. People do not want to do things that would hurt someone else whether it is adoptees not wanting to hurt their Mom and Dad by searching or Bparents not wanting to hurt their families around them. Being open is always the best way to go but sometimes it is hard and sometimes you just can't until the time is right. Hopefully though secrets are opened and chances at relationships happen. Dickons

Dickons, you are so right! My bson contacted me in May 2006 and I was so happy. After 27 years of worry and longing I knew he was healthy, happy and not angry. I married his bdad and we have 2 daughters and I had promised not to say anything to them until they were 18 - one is now 18 and the other 17. I told them both late last year as I always believed they had the right to know and search. I had searched when he was about 4 just because I wanted to make sure he was safe and I narrowed it down to 3 families - one of which was his! I had no intention of making any contact, I gave up that right. I've been very lucky in that we are working our way through reunion and I respect his privacy. The only hitch is my husband's family. He will not meet him or discuss him while his parents are alive. It has caused much emotional turmoil in our lives and we've decided that I will do what I feel is right and if our daughters want a relationship it is up to them. I do think he will come around once he comes to terms with everything. My position is clear, I want a relationship, I am not hiding anything any more and I believe that, as you said, society is more accepting and the secrets are what paralyze us. My biggest regret is not sharing with my daughters earlier as they are struggling a little with the whole idea of a "big brother". Delighted, but, as my youngest says, a bit weird! My pain and emotions in reunion are mine. We've had a lot of talks and they know that they shouldn't be concerned with anyone else but themselves and are both anxious to build a relationship with their brother. They have each other's contact information so I don't have to be involved in less they want me to, I think that I've taken the right approach but who knows?!