need honest advice....

I was six when my parents' bio-son was born, and my other brother (also adopted) was three. I don't remember feeling anything other than I was going to be a big sister again. It simply just wasn't an issue. We always knew we were adopted, and my folks did a great job of making us all feel loved equally. My early teens were the only time I remember that I sometimes had adoption on my mind in relation to my baby brother, and that was probably because he was at the teasing stage (I'm their REAL son, etc. - stuff that my folks came down on very fast and hard!), and I was at a sensitive age too. I felt weird at that age about being taller than my parents, and I remember that my mom, being a private person, would just say she gave us lots of vitamins when asked how me and my a-brother got so tall -- I remember taking it she was embarrased to say we were adopted. Looking back, I don't think that was it at all - she's just private - but I remember as a teen wishing I looked more like them and people wouldn't ask. Silly stuff - and my youngest brother had nothing to do with that. Just an awkward age, I think. I'm not saying it's not a problem in some families where the kids aren't treated equally or adoption in general isn't handled well, because I've read stories here that broke my heart. But, in my opinion, the problem there was not the child, or the adoption, but lousy parents in general. (sorry if that sounds harsh - some stories are just beyond belief how anyone can treat their child that way!) I don't think that's the norm though. My folks really handled it well, I guess, considering it was a LONG time ago before people were very sensitive about how adoptees may feel. Some insensitive folks did persist in making the odd comment ('Oh, it must be so nice to have your OWN child') that made me feel bad, but my mom would laugh about how stupid they were, and tell us again how long they waited and how happy they were when they finally held me for the first time and how no one could ever replace me. I never had a doubt that they would kill or die for me - the same as for my brother, or the same as how I feel about my children. In my opinion, while it does raise some issues, they are managable, and you should not let these stop you from having more children if that's what you and your husband want. I'm sure you will feel the same love for all of your kids, and they can only benefit from that. Hey - on the positive side - it's kind of hard to feel that being adopted is "second-best" to your parents when you see that they love you all and there simply aren't those distinctions, right? All the best! Cheryl

At the risk of stating the obvious.....every family is different, that being said...... I grew up with 2 bio older siblings and an older sister who was also adopted, there was never a moment when I felt like the "lesser" child. My parents treated us all the same, so much to the point that we never even brought up the subject of my being adopted (but that's a whole other thread). As a matter of fact...everyone of my siblings says I'm the favorite. To this day I am closer to our mother than her bio children. We don't go more than a day without speaking and we are each other's support system. My hubby who is also adopted was the oldest of his siblings (3) and they are biological. I feel very safe saying that he never felt like a "lesser" child either. As a matter of fact....his siblings were jealous because he got to have 2 special days...his birthday and his adoption birthday. IMO, as long as you don't treat them differently than the risk of them feeling this way will be minimal.

Thank you Cheryl and Tricia for your great responses! I think my perception was colored by experiences of a good friend of mine. In a nutshell, my friend was adopted as an infant when his parents were told they wouldn't be able to conceive. Later on, when fertility advances were made, they did conceive 3 more kids. My friend always felt very different, and growing up, it seemed his parents were much harder on him than on his siblings. He got into a lot of trouble acting out and stuff growing up, and is now very distant from his parents. But from your responses, I can see that if a-parents treat all their kids the same, with lots of love (something that was lacking in my friend's family, in my opinion), that is the most important thing. I am still leaning more towards adoption in the future rather than pursuing more fertility treatments....Jen

Why would your Dr. presure you to do IVF (you don't have to answer that publicly)? Does it really matter that much if family or friends think it's the perfect situation? What is it that YOU and your DH truly want? Though I know you stated your desire to be a mommy to another child, I would hate to think that planning another child by ANY means would be because of family or professional opinion or preasures. I personally think your thoughts/feelings on the matter of how a child enters your family will determine much of the perspective of your children. If it is never brought up as being an issue, I think perhaps it will less likely be. Just my thoughts. Best wishes in your family planning.

sorry, my post wasn't clear: Dh and I want another child. We have always wanted a big family. Honestly, I don't know why my doctor even voiced an opinion: I was talking about my son, and hopefully adopting another child some day. My doctor almost had the attitude of "Why go through all that paperwork and money when you can do IVF?" Now that I think about it, it's really offensive...MJ77 your post really made me think about this, and about her reaction. Whether I have a child via fertility treatments and give birth to him/her, or via adoption, is not the important thing. Personally, having gone through a successful adoption, I am more inclined to do that again. I don't know if I could love a bio child as much as I love my son! :)I think the opinions of family and friends were just off the cuff reactions, not any type of pressure. I was the one who brought up the subject of having more children.The issue was how children who were adopted feel about their parents having bio. children. Having seen only the situation of my friend (in the above post), I hadn't had any positive experiences to draw from...I think you're absolutely right that it's only an issue if it's made into one. Thanks for your reply, and best wishes to you, too!

Not to be the downerbut my experience with being adopted and having a sibling that was biologically related is vastly different than CherylŒs and Tricias҅however, my experience is related directly to the way I was treated, which was much different than the way my sibling, their biological child, was treated. I would say, provided there is equality among children in your home, there shouldnt be a problem҅as Cheryl and Tricia statedunfortunately, that was not the case in my home. As far as feeling differentŅI never felt my adoption was an issue, unless it was being thrown in my faceeither by my parents or their child, which was a common occurrence. Remember that your actions are not the only thing that can make your child feel differentlyŅkids sometimes say things they cant grasp, like, ғshes my mom, not yours, youҒre adopted! without thinking of the emotional repercussions of something like that. Make sure you know whatԒs going on between your children, because as innocent as statements like those are, they hurt

Brandy,I know that nothing anyone says will change what happened to you in your childhood. But I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for the shameful way your aparents and sibling treated you. I think that sometimes kids are more cruel than adults.I also think that although family shouldn't influence the decisions we make on bio children or adoption, we do have to take into account how all our children will be treated by others. You're right in that just having understanding aparents doesn't mean that the children won't have to face discrimination from other sources.Wishing you the best...Jen

My mother had a biological child in her first marriage. She then adopted 4 other children, including myself, when she remarried my father (he could not have children). She has told me that she never felt a difference between her biological child and us adopted ones. We were all her children. I have never felt a difference either. My sister is 20 years older than me though, so I'm not sure what it would be like if my mom had a biological child now. However I really think it would fine. I don't think I would think of that child any differently. Of course, I can't speak on everyone's behalf.

Jumping in a little late on this...but here's a story that's seems pretty relevant to your question. I and my 2 older brothers are adopted and we have 1 biological younger brother. We (the a. children) were 8, 6 and 4 when my mother had our younger brother. My brothers and I wanted our parents to tell the baby that he was adopted so he would be a "chosen one" just like us. We were worried that he would not feel special because he was not adopted. My parents said that we would still be the "chosen ones" and the baby could be called the "miracle gift" (since it truly was a miracle that my a. mom was able to carry full-term and deliver a healthy baby). This solution worked well and we ALL felt special and loved by our parents. The key (which has been mentioned before) is to make each and every child feel loved and feel special. But, hey, isn't that something parents should do for all their children? I know families where ALL the children are biological and the parents still don't spread the love equally and as a result, one child feels less loved/wanted/special...