Living with depression - long post

I have started this thread as I have suffered with depression for many years which hasn't been helped by people telling me to "get over it", there are other people with "worse problems than mine and they deal it them", and I'm an "intelligent person so should be able to work through my problems" to quote a few comments. For all those who suffer with depression we all know it isn't as easy as that and we need to be taken seriously about how we feel. On top of that there is the social stigma attached to it so people, in general, need to be educated that depression isn't something to be ashamed off. Ever since I was in my teens I suffered with depression but until now it hasn't been dealt with appropiately. As I was growing up my parents always made me feel so inadequate as I was always compared to my "perfect" older sister who could do no wrong and I could do no right. She was always the "intelligent", I was "stupid" and I was always put down for never being good enough in any way in their eyes. My sister made my life a misery over the years as well by causing trouble which included telling lies about me that my parents believed so I was constantly being told I was a liar. Subsequently I grew up with low self esteem and little confidence which has been hard to live with. The first time I knew I had a problem was when I was about 15 years old and I was suicidal but I got through it somehow. My parents thought I was just attention seeking by being so moody but they arranged counselling which I wasn't prepared for as I hadn't accepted that I did suffer with depression and I felt that I was being stupid feeling the way I did. The counselling amounted to one session as I came across as just being a bit low so I had a standard pep talk. After that I withdrew into myself and became very good at putting on an act for others so they thought I was happy generally. At 19 I became pregnant just before splitting up from an emotionally bad (for me) relationship but I wanted my baby despite that but once my parents knew I was pregnant they were determined my child would be adopted. Despite knowing how I felt my parents arranged everything even though they knew I could emotionally and financially look after my baby .... I was working. This wasn't discussed at all as that's the way my parents wanted it and they virtually put the fear of God into me not to discuss the situation with anybody else. The first time I saw a case worker was a day or two after I had my son so I was honest about how I felt. Over the next few weeks I stood my ground with her and she asked me not to rush into any decisions but promised to put a halt to the adoption and that she would support my decision. Unfortunately she didn't and told my parents everything I had told her. My parents then started putting on the emotional pressure to get me to agree to the adoption. I was told that I couldn't look after myself let alone a baby yet I was trusted to babysit my niece who was only a young baby herself at the time. That I couldn't afford to bring up a child, I was working and could afford to, that my parents would make sure I didn't have accommodation so I couldn't bring up a baby on the streets nor would I be able to hold down my job. I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, again this wasn't true plus more pressure on top including that they would make sure I didn't get any form of support. I was completely brainwashed by this time by my parents that I believed them but at 6 weeks after my son's birth the case worker told me it was too late and that I couldn't put a stop to the adoption. This year I found out I had been lied to and I could have stopped the adoption. After this my son was talked about at all and my way of coping was to act as if nothing had happened. I never forgot my son but for 23 years on the surface it was as if he had never existed. Life carried on for me and I was good at putting on an act of being happy. However life did get a bit much for me at times as every time either of my parents were ill I always got the blame although I have never understood why. My mother suffers with asthma and diabetes so every time she has been in hospital I've "put her there" :confused: and my father's health has got worse over the years as well. Each time he has been in hospital again it has been my fault for being such a terrible daughter. I have led a very ordinary life and never been in any sort of trouble but my parents have constantly made me out to be a terrible person. A few times over the years I had counselling but it didn't do me much good as I couldn't really open up about how I felt about my parents. I never brought up about my son being adopted as I felt so ashamed of allowing this to happen nor could I forgive my parents for what the did to me :o . All I could do was talk about surface problems so once I worked through those I stopped the counselling. About ten years ago and seven years ago I got to the point of being suicidal again. The first time I took a load of medication, didn't say anything but as it turned out I didn't take enough to do any damage. The second time my husband walked in on me and I ended up spending the night in hospital as I had taken enough to do damage but fortunately I was sick so I was very lucky. Last year after I found my son I suddenly had to deal with how I felt about him being adopted. Fortunately for me he did have an overwhelming desire to have me in his life and he had been searching for me for 5 years. Our reunion wasn't without it's problems which we have muddled our way through but some of the problems had been caused by my family. I fell out with my family in early 1999 due to my sister telling lies about me again which as usual my parents believed. Later that year my son started searching for me when he turned 18 and found my family quite quickly but honestly told him they didn't know where I was as I had moved. Late 2001 I contacted my parents by letter and let them know why I hadn't been in touch and was prepared to have contact with them as I did love them but I didn't want any contact with my sister. Since then I have had contact with them by letter only but they didn't tell me they had contact with my son or tell him they knew where I was. My sister had also told him lies and half truths about me so I was shocked he wanted to know me. He had been convinced that I didn't want to know him and that my family were covering for me so it must have been a shock to him to find out this wasn't true. We do have a good reunion now and I am thankful for that. The past year has been hard though as I have had to confront how I feel about my family as well as the adoption. At first the adoption issues took over and I had several counselling sessions starting in December 2004. Unfortunately I didn't benefit from the sessions as they were passive so I found myself chatting about anything except what was bothering me. My counsellor thought I was so well adjusted so there wasn't much point in carrying on even though I told her I needed agressive counselling to get me talking. I don't know how long I would have carried on if I hadn't been a member of the forums or another online group for mothers who relinquished who didn't have any more children. At least I have had support and it has helped me to realize I do need proper help. About a month ago I started having problems sleeping and eating so I have started losing weight plus I realized I was feeling very depressed. I knew I had a real problem when I started feeling suicidal again so told my husband how I felt but I knew I wouldn't actually commit suicide or try to. Last week I saw a doctor and found the courage to be honest with him about my issues including feeling suicidal. He prescribed medication which is beginning to work and he is arranging appropiate counselling. I feel very relieved to be taken seriously and to be treated as a normal person who is going through a bad emotional time :) . Pip :)