Moving out of state

DD is 9 months old now. I never did want to approach it with bmom that 'we told you this would happen.' I was just relaying that info for context of the story. We are very sensitive to the bmom's feelings, and do understand that we can't change how she feels. I know this will be a blow to her - but the point I was trying to make was that this isn't related to us trying to take the child away - but rather that this has always been part of the plan. What I didn't say before was that we were planning on going this fall all along - but then plans feel through - so we planned on Spring - then just now they have changed again and we have the opportunity to go. I do appreciate the fact that she may not be able to talk about how the relationship will change - and do like the letter idea - so she'll have something to think about. I believe that would be a good idea. Unfortunately this isn't an easy triad - not that we thought it would be - as we were told from the start that our bmom can be unreliable and manipulative. Overall we do want what is best for dd - and we still believe that would be an open relationship with bmom would benefit dd as well as bmom - but at the same time aren't willing to risk bringing chaos into our lives due to poor choices on the part of bmom. Thank you for the comments - as I always want to hear another perspective to be sure we are being considerate.

it's clear this is a difficult one. you might send bmom some phone cards so that she can call, send tons of photos when you first arrive, even if you don't have the time (unpacking and all) take the time. I think also helping her pay the cost of a visit might be nice. Your child will appreciate getting to know her, plus it will keep your relationship together as well. our dd is 14.5 months, and we visited bfamily (we live 2000 miles away). we made a committment to ourselves to try and get out there as much as possible, hoping to see them at least once a year. It's expensive and we're not rich, but we've made this committment to ourselves and dd. we viewed adopting dd not just adding a daughter to the family, but acquiring a new set of relatives (who, happily, we like) with committments and the like. fortunately her bfamily feels the same way. and I can understand not wanting bmom to stay with you-none of my relatives are allowed to stay with me, but you can help to put her up in a hotel or something, or maybe other family members can provide a place to stay. All the moves you make in this first year or so are the groundwork for your future relationship. anything you can do to reach out your heart and arms to her will at least give you comfort that you've done what you need to do to maintain a good relationship for your child. good luck with everything including the move! we're planning a move next year and ugh, it seems like it will be 3x as hard with a kid around than before :eek: . lisa

I don't believe you should be expected to pay for her trips to visit, house her if she does visit, or pay any other expenses, such as phone cards, etc. You say the bio mother knew all along that you were planning to move out of state (and in Alaska, it's not like any state is going to be a quick day trip) yet she still chose you to place her child with. Clearly, she believes you are the best people to raise the child and make good decisions for his/her future. Sometimes, those decisions become very difficult ones that mean little or no physical contact with the bio parents. While it would be great if you can arrange for an occasional visit back to Alaska, the fact remains that this is your family and you must do what is in your family's best interests. Not all open adoptions need visits to be successful; keeping the lines of communication open and continuing letters, pictures and/or phone calls are all certainly acceptable methods of providing contact as the child may need it. Don't feel pressured into providing anything, in my opinion. You were honest about your plans, even if they have been moved up, and you should not feel guilty about this move in any way. It's unfortunate that she will not partake in counseling; it must make it feel as if you need to "fix" things for her when in reality you do not. Perhaps you can let the agency know of your plans and ask them to contact her to help her through the transition? Peace,

I was thinking the same thing but didn't say it since it went against the prevailing wisdom here. I honestly can't see how this is any different than DH and I living out of state from my parents and siblings. I don't pay for their airfare or lodging and they don't pay for mine. My mom scrimps and saves but manages to come and see me. In 7 years we've paid for my DH's baby sister (15) to have a spring break visit and for she and DH's stepdad (70+) to come out one Christmas but they're basically dirt poor and never would have made the trip if we hadn't paid (and believe me, it was a stretch for us to afford it). In the absence of extreme poverty, I just can't see forking over the dough - even for family. Somehow, my parents and I manage to have a thriving, healthy relationship communicating by phone, email and the occasional compilation DVD :D. I think the same can/should be done in this situation.

Thanks all for the great comments and suggestions. Like missourimom and sneezy, we don't pay for our family to come visit and still maintain great relationships with our immediate family. I guess that is where our hesitation comes in - as to what could be expected and in actuality we won't know until the situation comes up. Number1 - you are so right that we don't have to make the rules for the rest of our lives. We'll strive to stay fluid and let the relationship develop as will be best for our family and our dd. Of course in a perfect world that would be for everyone to maintain communication - so she grows up self confident and sure of her identity - like we all want for our kids. I would love to view bmom as family - but due the choices that she continues to make, we must maintain distance. We have told her that we are moving at the end of October - she was a bit shocked and disappointed, but we quickly followed up scheduling a visit for this weekend and letting her know that we were open to visiting more frequently in this last month before we leave. We do plan to let her know that letters/pictures/cards will still come her way w/o fail. That is a promise I can make and stand by without trouble. We are trying to approach this proactively, with compassion for bmom's feelings while at the same time trying to get ourselves moved and all the stress it entails. Thanks all - it is much appreciated.