an affair and pregnancy

I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions and I don't think there can be any easy answers. Whatever decision you choose will hurt everyone involved to some degree. You need to decide what decision you can live with after making. Either way your children will be hurt now or when they are older and can understand what happened. Your relationship with your husband has been altered and your relationship with his best friend has too. You also have damaged your own sense of self. Only God can tell you what you should do and now more than ever you should turn to him. I just wanted you to have a response as most people won't know what to say in a situation like this and it may take some time for them to gather their thoughts. I am truly saddened that this has happened and I hope things can work out for you.

Unfortunately, any way you go there will be pain. First, you and your husband must decide if your marriage can be repaired, and if so, if you're both willing to do the work to make that happen. For any relationship to work, there must be three things present: Love Respect Trust Trust, well, that's been damaged. Can you rebuild that? Possibly. Respect - by being honest with each other, you can maintain this. What does your husband wish to do? Is he willing to be a parent to a child not born to him? Is he willing to have the child's biological father also participate in his childs' upbringing as a parent? Love - this is of course the basis. Though of the three, it's the least important because love waxes and wanes. When that happens, it's trust and respect that get you through. As for the child you are carrying - you, your husband and this child's father must be involved in decisions. I'm gathering that the child's father wishes to be a parent. Is he in a position where he can be the primary caregiver, is this something he wants to do? If you do end up deciding that placing this child with adoptive parents is the best path for your marriage and family, is he willing to support this? I would strongly recommend you go through individual and marriage counseling. It's worth it. My best goes out to all of you. I've got 14 years experience being a Navy Wife. It really is the toughest job in the Navy. So please, despite what's happened, be gentle with yourself. Regina

I think Regina said it all so well! I too am sorry to read about your situation. I just want to add my agreement to the idea of counseling!!! It is so important for you in this situation -- either individual or couples counseling or both if possible. It is critical that you have a safe space in which to explore your feelings about the choices you made and the resulting situation you are now dealing with. Counseling from an unbiased professional can also help you sort through the options you have before you for this new baby to come. Wishing you all the very best! -Ellie

Wow, as a fellow Navy wife (who's dealt with several extended deployments) I can't begin to relate but I can sympathize. You're certainly in a tough bind. I hope you and your DH are able to reconcile, if that is what you both want. Even more than that I hope that he can accept this child as one of his own and not ask you to choose him or the child. I don't think you could ever have a healthy marriage choosing your child over your spouse or vice versa. As for the bio father, children born within marriage are presumed to be the child of the husband (in most states) unless a bio father steps up to claim paternity and pay support. I think that's probably all I should say. Hugs.

I just wanted to tell everyone thank you for responding. I just went to the DR today and got to hear the heartbeat for the first time and had an ultrasound to find out exactly how far along I am. I am 10 weeks and 3 days..so I am due 4/24/06, this will be my 4 c-section. My DH and I really want to work on fixing our marriage and both want to go to councling both together and apart. I know its going to be a long hard pregnancy due to all the emotions involved. I just dont know yet what is going to be best for this baby, and thats the thing that is most important to me, this baby and its future. Seeing my baby this morning for the first time was as amazing as the last 3 times I was pregnant. Part of me wants to keep this baby and love it as I love my other 3 kids, but part of me thinks it will be better to give it to another family....I never thought Id be 25 and trying to make this decission. I just want to sit down and cry. My DH will be home in about 5 weeks and I am so excited about him coming home, but also terriefed of how things are going to be. I knwo that he loves me and will stand by me no matter what I decide, but I hate that I have to make this discission alone. Becasue nomatter what anyone says ultimatly it is my decission alone. I know that if I do decide to give this baby up for adoption I wont let the bio father have it alone cuz he hasnt even taken care of the 8 y/o daughter he has now who has cancer, he never sees her and never provides for her financially so why should I think he could care for this one. Im just so confussed....Ill keep you all updated...I knwo I still have 30 weeks to go, so hopefully sometime in the next 30 weeks I will make the right decision. Navywife

Dear Navywife, What kind of "best friend" is this guy?? JEEZZ!!! That said (I feel better) - before you make any decision, you and your husband need to go to counseling to work out how your husband will feel about your child. It is not fair to this new baby or his/her half-siblings if your husband will resent him/her. But if your husband can truly open his heart to this child, I think you are the luckiest woman in the world and your family will be just fine. Big hugs to your Navy guy for serving his country! We are so grateful to him for his dedication to our freedom and safety. Blessings to you and your precious little ones. Happy G'Ma

Navywife, You are not alone in your decision. You have your partner, he must be a part of whatever is decided for your marriage to survive. You have this child's father, who, despite his personal issues, also has a say in what happens and a responsibility. I say this because it is very important that both men be 'on board' with whatever does occur. If placement is the decision, it can only occur if both men consent - your spouse, who will be considered the 'legal parent', and the child's biological father. If either contest, the situation then becomes a custody battle, one that you alone cannot control. The biological father can petition for parental rights and be awarded them, along with custody. So be careful, do not disregard anyone in this situation. So please, whatever happens, work towards a solution that all three of you accept. Getting there may be painful and may seem impossible at times. Remember though that most things are only impossible until they're possible. Hang in there. Regina

(((Navywife))) My heart just goes out to you. HUGE (((((((hugs))))))). I'm so sorry you are facing all of this. FABULOUS news that you and your dh are going to undertake both couples counseling and individual counseling. That is absolutely the best, best thing you can do for yourselves AND your baby. I honestly believe that as long as you are both really, really honest with yourselves, each other, and your counselors, that you're going to come out of this ok... whether that means placing, parenting, staying together, or not, I don't know... but in the end, OK. As for not knowing yet what to do for the baby (parent or place), it's OKAY that you don't know yet. In fact, I think it's wise to not get your mind set on one particular plan this early on. Give the counseling some time... see what kinds of issues and thoughts come up in the sessions... find out where your dh's heart and your own really stand on this issue of placement vs. parenting... and then allow some time for BOTH your hearts to change, too. You are only a few months along. You have plenty of time. I know it doesn't feel that way, but you do. You can't sign away your rights before the birth anyway; and you can take as long as you need to AFTER the birth to decide what you're going to do, too. You can put the baby in temporary foster care or take the baby home with you and try parenting for a bit, to see how it all feels and what the dynamic is, after the birth..... in short, YOU HAVE TIME. Don't rush into any big decisions. Many, many ((((hugs)))). I'll be thinking about you. I found myself in a similar circumstance--although in my case, the bio father was married, and I was not; but I started dating my now-dh soon after getting pregnant, and we were engaged by the time I placed my daughter. So I too had to think about the issue of whether or not my life partner would be able to raise another man's child. It's different, I know, but there is so much of what you're saying that I can relate to. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to pm. ((((((Hugs)))))) Nicole

I usually only post on the China forum but your post really caught my attention. I am 'the baby' born from an affair. My father knew all along that I was not his bio child and that never matter, he loved me the same as my sister and brother. My parents divorced when I was 14 because he just couldn't get over what she had done for years & years. See her affair was not a one time thing it went on for at least 13 years. I am now 31 years old, married with 2 bio sons and we are adopting a daughter from China. When I told my dad of our plans his exact words were "I will love any baby and as far as blood goes you of all people should know that does not matter". I have no contact with my bio father for many reasons but the main one is I don't need him I have a father, a wonderful father. My dad has never treated me bad nor has his family (yes everyone knows). Anytime I need him he is there for me no matter what. I love him with all my heart and soul and am blessed to be able to call him dad. I told you my story to give you a different point of view. I feel as long as your husband can get over this and you promise him and yourself to never do this again, things can work out.If you would like to talk you can PM me anytime. I just gave you the short version of my story. I can give you a lot more insight into what a wonderful father you husband can be to that baby if both of you are willing.

Hello all I can say is this my sons birthmom was seperated from her hubby during that time she had an affair with an old boyfriend she did get pregnant that child is my son. She did not feel she could go thru with an abortion her husband and this was her husband did not feel he could raise another mans child so she chose adoption. it can be a choice for you but it can be hard to live with knowing that someone else is raising your child. It has to be right for You should this end up even being a consideration for you. Take your time look at your options and follow your heart. I wish you the very best and I am so sorry that this has got to be so hard for you. Also take care of Yourself as well during this most stressful time. I wish you and your hubby the best. god bless all of you. Terrie