The Real Deal

this is so sad, I am sorry. I just can not fathom doing this to my parents. I do not really know what to say or have any advice except hope that time heals these wounds. I really do believe she will come home again. I know it may hurt to have high hopes but sometimes this is all we have to hold on to. I am wondering what her age is. I am sure this is a vital part of the problem. I had many years finding myself by the time I became 21 and married had kids of my own i truelly understood my parents love and sacrifices for me. I was able to have a new relationship with them. One of respect and understanding. My mother and I had the most work to do. This part was my biggest challenge. As a parent I just can not imagine the pain you are feeling, you sound like you love her very much. I believe that that same love will bring her home to you one day. You will be in my prayers, wishing you good luck, andi

Lynne, forgot to post what a lovely peom and so heartfelt. It is all so vert true and brought tears to my eyes! Donna

Hi Lynn, Maybe I'm out of line to say this because I was a birth mother and now I have three of my own...but has anyone ever thought that maybe children are brought into the world for their reason's and not our own? As parents, we need to keep all love and support for our babies unconditional. Because even when our children are grown...they are still our babies..so..This is a new time when people are open to talk about adoption issues and crime and war and just about everything. I think it's healthy and normal and I applaud any family that can come together to help one another, instead of feeling saddness and a since of loss. Please take care and you and yours are in my prayers.Carmen

This mom has shown unconditional love and as a mom does feel loss and pain...its normal....its valid and deserving of support. She has not and does not want to hurt her daughter for doing what the daughter needed to do..but that does not lessen her pain...one mothers sense of loss is just as important as another...no less...no more.

Like I said, I'm not trying to be out of line and I never said Lynn's love for her daughter was not unconditional. What I mean to say, in a loving way, because I know from my experience, to help EASE the feeling of a broken heart is to maybe look a little deeper into the meaning of life and all the things that are going on around us. I understand that this site is for us to be able to share our feelings and good news, or bad news...I meant my note in a loving way and I hope Lynn takes it that way...Thank youCarmen

Carmen,, I am truelly confused with your post. I know you mentioned you meant your post in a loving way, but I am not seeing the love. I just do not understand how a childs reason for being here, has anything to do with the way lynn feels, or for her daughter to abandon her family. I especially wish you would explain about your comment made in regards to unconditional love. I just went back and reread your post twice, and still am at a loss to your point. I am an adoptee, and I really can not ever see a parent not feeling sadness, or loss of a child who has strayed. Are you saying that if one of your children abandoned you, your husband, and their siblings you would just come together as a family and not feel a sadness or a loss. I do not think the deeper meaning of life, and all things going on around us is going to help one bit. We all want to believe there is a reason for everything but come on, she has lost a child. I would assume it is pure agony. Like you, I have children. Four of them actually, and if I lost any of them I would actually be hurt by your post, sorry but this is how I feel. Maybe I am misunderstanding you, and hope you can explain further your position. Again I just do not understand your point. andi

I also wanted to add that maybe explaining your "personal experience" will help us understand you better. You say you are a birthmom, what experience do you have to offer that could be helpfull to Lynn. Have you ever lost a child? Andi

Carmentb, I understand what you are saying. While I fully identify with Lynn's pain, our children have their own minds and spirits and instead of seeing it as a rejection of us, maybe we can feel good about forging a sense of independence in them. Here is my favorite poem about parenting: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughter's of Life's longing for itself They come through you but not from you And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts For they have their own thoughts You may house their bodies but not their souls For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with his might that His arrows may go swift and far Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable Khalil Gibran from The Prophet This poem helps ease my pain at the recent loss of my stepdaughter who has rejected me.

Thank you for sharing that poem with me. And to the ones that could not understand what I had to say: I don't know why I even bothered to share my thoughts about Lynn's pain...I guess I'm not very good at these forums...but to whoever asked of my experience and if I have ever lost a child...well, 14 years ago I had to give my son to adoption, but he is with the most wonderful family, so in a way I didn't lose him... and I lost my 15 year old nephew he died due to illness in June of this year. His birthday is this month and I am in prayer for my sister day and night. So...I'll just sit back and read or not...daydream or not....but I will never write my views or try to help bring peace to anyone here, because, I don't feel the love....

Hi Carmentb, I think I understand your post also. I think you are saying that it may not have been personal. That the child was not rejecting her Mom, she is doing what she is called to do and cannot do otherwise. The poem by Khalil Gibran is my favorite also. Lynne, I have posted here before and have shared that I expect the same from my daughter. She came from her birthfamilies system, and she may feel "at home" or more comfortable living within their particular set of rules for interacting. Your poem is so very beautiful and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing it. In a few weeks we will be taking our son to meet his birth mom and her husband for the first time in 12 years. I was there at the good bye visit when she lost him "forever". She was broken hearted and showed courage to come and say goodbye. She has been without him for 12 years now. I am his Mom and I am taking him to be part of her life. He is still fairly young and I don't expect that he will abandon me. She has always loved him and I feel what we are doing is right. We are making something right that was wrong in that it was causing pain. I know that this pain has gone on for her for 12 years now. Meeting him will not stop it. But this "forever" was not forever, it has been 12 years. Who knows what the future holds. This is the beginning for building a relationship for us, for him, for her. I don't know why your daughter did this or how long she will continue to leave you out. Our old priest always said that we have one breath, then another, and another until we have our last. We have our kids until they don't need us anymore. We have served our part and raised children like we committed to do, like we dreamed. Once they are adults, we lose our control, yet again :rolleyes: . Then, I guess, like in your poem, humility can give us peace. best wishes.

Dianna, I just want to say thank you.......... carmen

that is your choice carmen, I asked for you to please explain your position. I thought that I posted respectfully and openly.There are going to be times when some are not going to agree with you, and ask for clarification. I was hoping you would be able to do that. Trust me if you keep posting this will not be the first time. Yes, we all are not going to agree, but at least we can try. I asked you your experience, I asked your experience and I truly wanted it, thankyou for the little experience you did share. Again, IMO, I do not feel as an adoptee that my bmom has lost me to adoption. I do not feel as though I have been lost. I have been placed in the loving arms of my parents. I guess some bmoms feel this way. I respect that, I have to say that I do not agree that they are lost. I feel that Lynns loss does not compare to that of the bmom. Some may disagree but a child you raise your whole life. The child you have nurtured cared for and taught morals values ect. ect. is a different kind of loss. I suppose I could compare it to the loss of a parent. If you feel sensitive about posting I am sorry if I have made you feel uncomfortable. I won't pick apart the use of a word. Words mean different things to different people. Many bmoms from what i have read always will love and miss their babys, that is not questioned for me. I have learned that posting my position, and reading others positions have helped me very much understand the bmoms, and adoptive parents positions. I have learned that my opinion can be taken or left. Which is what you will do one way, or another. but I have also learned that my opinions whether liked or not are going to be a part of the understanding of someone else who also wants to learn more from the triad. Again if I misunderstood your post, and you are upset or "Aren't feeling the love" then sorry I asked you to explain. I felt that was fair. Sorry you won't be able to enlighten me or give me another point of view to see things from. By the way I am super sensitive and get my feeling hurt very easily. It has taken me a very long time to post and "disagree" or ask "for clarification". Luckily I have learned to keep trying and forge ahead. There is too much to be learned from each other. Lynard, Here is my position on what you have posted. I understand wanting to be proud of my childrens independence. I believe that though they should have this,,, a sense of loyalty within a family is very important. I do not want my children to feel like it is ok to up and abandon, my husband and I, when they feel the going gets ruff. They are an important aspect of the family,, and I feel that running away is selfish and really an unkind act. If it is done in the way Lynn has suggetsted. I want my children to be independent and I also want them to be able to make decisions that do not involve my influence. What I do expect from my self, is to respect the wants and needs of my children, always puting their needs first. I do expect that my children have a sense of loyalty to family. Especially between themselves and my husband. That loyalty lets them know that we will always be here for them. That means we will always be supportive. That we always can be counted on. IMO respect is an important aspect of any family dynamic. When my kids get older I expect a call from them on my husbands bday, Or contact at holidays. That is respectfull. That shows each of us we are loved and appreciated. Not forgotten. I do understand what your poem is reflecting and I think that both of you are getting at is we can not control what life sends us. We will always love our children, and that often we have to trust in God that there is a reason. I think???. I know that things get to a point where there is nothing a person can do. I ran away for 8 months when I was 16. I know the pain I put my poor parents through. Even at 16 I knew it was wrong to leave my family. I knew I should at least call. I knew it was unfair to them. I knew they lived everyday with worry and heartbreak. What I did was plain selfishness and defiant. I know a grown woman doing this is really sad. At 16 I knew it was wrong, she must also know it. At this point what can Lynn do about it. I think that what you both are saying is what someone from the outside would rationally want to say to help someone with their pain. And I "think" I get what you both are trying to get across. I guess I just do not know how a woman who has a child abandon her will be able to get on, and feel in the way that I " think" you are both are suggesting. Again, I am not sure because I have not gotten a good, or more thourough explanation. Lynard maybe you can help me understand, truelly I would like to understand. I have no idea maybe it will help Lynn. I am desperatly trying to put myself in her shoes. so I hope that one of you will continue to have this discussion as I feel there is more to learn here. And i do feel there is more to learn here. andi

Andi, Thanks for the feed back. I'm new to this site. I thought by reading and maybe giving feedback to others would help me with my own feelings. What happend was I always think of the family and the first child I had. I found this site and registered. Well, one day I get this email from someone giving me the families contact info. I was shocked! Here in front of me was their address and phone number. So I called the agency to update my info and let them know that I had their info and my case worker called the amother and then I got a call from the caseworker with a verbal update on how the child is doing. The last letter and picture I have was from when he was 2. Now he is 14 and the info I got made my day! He had questions, relayed to me and I've written a letter but have not mailed it. See, in my mind, his family adopted another and they have this huge family with lots of siblings...well, I was wrong. It's just him and they are doing great and I don't know what to do...so instead of me asking for help, I've been reading everyone elses posts...so, that's my story..Maybe some day I'll get the courage to write them. I do have a wonderful family here...great husband and 3 cute, funny kids..I'm blessed..I just wish that Lynn's heart was not breaking because I know how much she loves her daughter. Thanks again Carmen

Carmen, I went back and read my post and I did seem somewhat snotty, I apologize. I do not want to give you the wrong impression of the forums or me. Please except my apology. I tend to get a bit defensive and should watch my tone. Sorry if I ran you off. Like I said I feel there is alot to be learned here, and would welcome any comments you have, andi

We posted at the same time sorry it took me some time to come to my senses. I really am sorry, no excuses, andi