Why Do I Lie....Am I Alone..

I can understand how you feel. People can be very insensitive when you tell them the children are adopted and they often just make ignorant statements. Whereas, when they believe that the child is biologically yours they don't make those same remarks. I have told my daughter but my son is only 18 months. I will tell him also but i do understand where your coming from.

You don't have to anwer questions about your child, either. We adopted our baby, but I feel no need to tell people about it. People who are close to us, of course, know. But other people in general don't need to know her story. If anyone asks if she's mine, of course she is! And that would be true if she was a foster, a biological, or an adopted child. If they are in your family, they are your kids! (If they ask if I gave birth to her, I'd probably say no, but I've never been asked that specifically.) I believe that her adoption story is hers, not mine, so I don't go around talking about it. I also don't want to get into discussions about her birthparents (we don't talk about them anyway with others) or the adoption process or deal with people using inappropriate language/comments. (I have a standard answer now to specific questions, "We have chosen not to discuss M's adoption story." If it's a closer friend, I'll add "Even our parents don't know the details.") See if you can figure out a way to answer questions that's the truth, but doesn't reveal her story if you don't want to. Outside of medical professionals and, if the need arises, teachers, no one NEEDS to know that you are adopting your child. All they need to know is that she is yours. For example, you can say something as simple as "I prefer to not talk about that." (what I plan to use if anyone asks what her pregnancy or birth was like.) or if they ask if she looks like her dad, "No, not really." Or, if she does look like someone in the family, "Oh, her hair and eyes are just like her aunt Helen's!" (we use this one because it's true, they just aren't biologically related!) By the way, my husband doesn't really care about it like I do and doesn't mind telling people we adopted her. He knows I keep it closer to my chest that he does, and we're fine with it in each other. (Well, I wish he kept it quieter and he prefers I wasn't so circumspect, but we accept it!) AnnMarie

I too am glad that you recognize this is a problem and are willing to get help. I do not understand why you feel the need to give anyone detail about a made-up background though as in "her father and I are not together anymore." Even if she were biological yours, nobody would need to know that. When people ask if she is your daughter all you have to say is "yes" and you will be telling the truth. I am extremely open about our daughter and so is she. She came to us at seven, so of course there could be no faking that she is not ours by adoption. However, I too feel uncomfortable sometimes when some people I don't know ask a lot of questions. T. is 100% hispanic and I am 100% caucasian with very light skin, hair and eyes. T. also has light eyes and gets blond streaks in her hair in the summer. Sometimes strangers point out the resemblance. We really look nothing alike, but I guess people like to find that link when they assume we are biologically related. I just try to side-step it and say "thanks," because although I am open and proud of how our family was created, I don't want to tell T's adoption story to the woman in line at the grocery store with T. standing beside me and things like that. If she were biologically mine, I probably would feel the same way. No reason to discuss how much she looks like her dad or whomever because some stranger mentions how nice the golden streaks look in her hair.

AnnMarie, I agree with you about only the medical professionals and immediate family and friends should know besides the child if their is an adoption. My husband sounds like your husband in regard to his openly stating our children are adopted. I am not. I wish he wasn't so open and he wonders why I am not. I do believe it probably because I am more sensitive to the questioning and the negative remarks. Also, it seems to me that although environment plays an important role in adoptees lives adopted parents get little credit for their children's unbringing and talents (which may have never come to fruition if not fostered. But everything gets attributed to the fact that they must have come by everthing genetically which annoys me to no end.

Good for you for being open about your feelings and requesting feedback from other parents about this issue! I am glad that you will be getting help to deal with this. I agree with what others have said--your daughter is entitled to her past and to her identity. She needs the truth. It can be tricky finding the right balance between embracing adoption and protecting your child's privacy. I will just add this nuance to the discussion. At some point, your daughter may disclose her past to others. We have a sibling group of 3 from foster care who we are working on adopting. I have been amazed at how forthcoming they can be with their classmates about the harsh realities of their lives. They've talked about their birthmother's drug addiction, the violent men in her life, the other siblings who are in different homes, the abusiveness of their former foster mother. I have told them that their past belongs to them and they can share it with whom they like, but I have also cautioned them that not everyone deserves the honor of being the recipient of this kind of sharing. Fortunately, their classmates have on the whole been very accepting. Also, I want to reiterate what others have said. As special as giving birth is, that is not what makes a child your own. Love and commitment and a life shared together is what makes family. I am infertile and have never given birth and never will. But my children are absolutely my own. I prayed for them, and God sent them to me. We were meant for each other. I am their mother to the core. I am deeply connected to them (although with their RAD, they are not as deeply connected to me), I make many sacrifices for them, they are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I am their mother. They are mine.

. I am infertile and have never given birth and never will. But my children are absolutely my own. I prayed for them, and God sent them to me. We were meant for each other. I am their mother to the core. I am deeply connected to them (although with their RAD, they are not as deeply connected to me), I make many sacrifices for them, they are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I am their mother. They are mine. :*)

Hi, all, I just wanted to add something, yes, I did say I would never have kids of my own meaning biologicaly ( I guess I have to really watch what I'm meaning as I say it). God has blessed me with a beautiful dd and I'll never deny her anything. I was asking for advice and I feel as if some of you were taking what I said as I felt as if she's not mine. I didn't mean it that way. I love my dd and yes, I have to admit that I've done wrong by lying about her being my biologically dd. I will not take what :evilgrin: Sunshine Mom saying I'm unfit( are you kidding me). That's a bit much as you would think you know nothing about my story. Paulukon, your right I don't have to share my story but that's why I need advice and support to understand and learn these things. I'll never accept anyone telling me I'm unfit. Anyway, Thanks for all your advice and support.

I never said you were unfit, I said that if she was your foster child and the swers found out you were saying she was your biological daughter then they could consider you an unfit foster parent, and as such remove her from your care.

I sure do not feel you are unfit. She is your daughter if you have adopted her. And that is what I would say yes she is mine.I have a adopted grandson and there mom my daughter has two born to her and her hubby also.Call me old fasion but I hate it when someone asked about the 3 kids and my son in law says right away 2 are our own and we adopted this one it makes me crazy why do people have to say oh yea we adopted why not say yes they are all ours?I think the child is made to feel differant and not part of the family when you brag about adoption you separate the children they see each other differant. Sure the close family members already know and accept the adopted child as a loveing member of the family so why make a point to strangers and tell them one or more of your children are adopted.As far as medical, schools or the child being told when he or she is old enough to understand I agree to that. I feel noone else needs to know and parents who adopt a child who already have bio children should protect the adopted one and not point out to strangers they are adopted. I think parents who brag about how they adopted a child and make a point to speak in front of the child hurt the child when they are to young to understand and it last a life time. Adopted children are a gift from God and should be cherished and protected from being seen as differant because they are not once we adopt they are our family . They are just as real to us as if we gave birth to them.They are our Family. They are our children. Gram

I don't think there is anything wrong with not sharing that your child is adopted with strangers and such. But that is a far cry from telling people she is your BIOLOGICAL child. I certainly don't share with every Tom, **** and Harry that J was adopted, but I also don't TELL people I gave birth to him. Which is what the OP was doing. This isn't an adopted child, (or wasn't when the OP started the thread) but her school aged foster daughter. I love my son as if her were my own biological child. I see no difference between my kids. But the truth is that I didn't give birth to him, that he has not only a birth family, but a foster family who make up the first four years of his life. It's one thing to not tell certain people your child is adopted. It's another to claim that you gave birth to them and deny their past. Their past is just that THEIRS. They need to claim it as it is part of who they are, good and bad. By denying it, the OP was sending the message that her child just wasn't good enough. Even she said that she would "never have kids of my own." My son was my own the day I laid eyes on him. In our family, he is no different than our biological children. But he also knows that W gave birth to him and he was in foster care for x number of years with the C family. It's his past and his history.

I think so many people on both sides of the fence wonder what makes your kids distinctly yours. I think many people who are dealing with infertility and who haven't come to terms with it yet will wonder if adopted children will be as good as biological. I think many parents of biological children wonder the same thing, and therefore are hesitant about adoption. Let me just tell you, my daughter is the center of my world. I did give birth to her, yes, but I did not truly feel she was "mine" until I had raised her for a few months and had gotten to see what a special little miracle she was. My pregnancy and delivery were both hard. I had severe nausea and vomiting of pregnancy, which is basically morning sickness times 1000. I couldn't even keep water down, and lost 28 lbs in the first 6 weeks. I had to be hospitalized. This went on for 6 months! By the time all was said and done, I was really disenchanted by the "miracle of life," and wanted it to be over with. Delivery was even worse, with details too gory to bother you all with. After such a long and painful pregnancy, I then experienced post-partum depression. Though I consciously loved my little girl, my body was just too exhausted, and I cried constantly. Being a mom so suddenly seamed surreal to me, and I kept feeling as though I was babysitting, and I was waiting for her real parents to show up, pay me, and take her home with them. But FINALLY, after a few months went by, I began to feel that she was mine. The midnight feedings where only MY rocking her and MY singing to her, the time she smiled at ME for the first time, all the blood, sweat and tears that went into worrying about her, loving her and caring for her...that made her MINE. It wasn't the pregnancy and the childbirth; it was meeting her, parenting her, and growing as a person as I watched her grow, too. That is what made her mine. I cannot wait to become a parent again. I know that my next child will come to me through the miracle of adoption, and that process will bring whole new struggles, challenges, and pain. But my children who have not come to me yet in the physical sense are already in my heart; I can feel them there, and I cannot wait for the day when I look into their eyes and know they, too, are mine. It may be tempting to lie about your child's origins. Perhaps you are having trouble with the idea of all the biological children who "will never be." But remember, God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the called. This means you are especially chosen to be the mother to your daughter, and she has been chosen to come to you in the way she did. The unique challenges you face everyday, especially the ones in which you are tempted to choose between the easy choice and the right choice, are the ones that will make you a great mother, and when you see the beautiful, strong young woman that you raise, full of good character and values, and you know that your modelling of righteous behaviors has molded her into that young woman, you will know she is distinctly yours. Adoption is never second best! I know that when I become a mother through adoption, I will proudly proclaim when I am asked- "Yes, she IS mine. I am so blessed to have had her come into my life through the miracle of adoption. Not everyone is so lucky as to be able to choose their children. But look at her--could I have possibly made a better choice?"

I dont think they would immediately remove her..i think they will council her first..but just remove her over that..i doubt that..well i know in my state..if the kid is not getting abused...they will try to work with the parents as much as possible. If they find out...they will just talk to her and warn...

some things we need to take literally and others NOT! having said that, i understand your not explaining to every tom **** and harry your d is not your biod but your ad.people don't introduce children that way. i introduce mine as these are my daughters. period. end of story. i don't know why people would ask you if she was yours??!! i do believe you've dug yourself a little hole with the lies but i don't think the police:woohoo: will be knocking at your door. just discuss it with your sw. you are not the first to do this. i have read other posts on here about that. bottom line is..you love this little girl and are trying to protect her and make her feel wanted and loved which is great. now you just need to learn how to relay the situation to others in a way that works for you and your daughter.GOOD LUCK!:flower:

Of course you love your daughter and it hurts so bad for anyone to think she is not "yours" - but she is yours! Very much yours. You added her into your family through adoption and that makes her as much yours as any child your birthed. Once you understand that there is no need to lie, you will be free from the need to lie. But, yes, seek help, it will help you get some clarity on all of this. FWIW - I do not look anything like my daughter - and yes, people question if I am her mother - I just say, yes she is my daughter and leave it at that...no need for further details. Maybe that is where you can start. Do not lie, but do not share any info other than "yes, she is my daughter." Hope that helps!!

If you have adopted your daughter I will point out to you that she is "your own".If she is yoour foster child you might want to reconsider why you decided to take this route.Have you ever wondered why you lied, is it out of comfort or shame?Get help for yourself and for her... both of you will/do need it.