This Is Weird

I will be praying for you and your husband! Is there anything in particular I can pray for? My husband was a financial worrier. He worried that there would never be enough money to raise a child. Some guys just like the independence of flexibility - go when ya want, where ya want. Some worry that a child will take over your time away from him. Everybody has different reasons. When your husband had his surgery, I'm sure this was a finality in his mind. Now that you're bringing up the idea of adoption - it's probably set his mind spinning . He probably never even thought about that aspect coming up in your marriage. I had one guy tell me that he was upset because he thought that his wife shouldn't need anyone more than just him. (He is now a proud father of two children. He told me after they adopted the second one - "I don't know what I was thinking before.") It might be that your husband won't bring up the subject, cause he might be hoping that it will just "blow over" in time. I will pray that if you don't understand his reasoning for thinking the way he does, that God uses something to open up the door to talk about it - so you know how to pray with understanding. He needs to know why you feel the way that you do - what prompted this change in your heart. He might be too embarrased to ask you first, though, or afraid he'll open a door that he'll never be able to close again. Just pray for God's perfect timing for this talk and He will make it happen! I hope you find this site helpful! Blessings, Holly

Thank you for your kind response! There are a few issues going on with my husband's reluctance: 1) Once he had the vasectomy, he thought the issue was moot. 2) He doesn't earn enough to support a family. 3) He had a horrible father and he fears he is bound to repeat the mistakes of the past. 4) Finally, he is 42 and cannot imagine that kind of a change at this point. Every once in a while, oddly, he says "if God really does want us to adopt..." I try to encourage those conversations as much as possible. Also, our best friends just had a baby and he loves holding him. I ask if there isn't a small part of him that thinks having a kid would be great and he admits that there is. But, he tends to see life with respect to current circumstances. Our current circumstances preclude such a thing and so he figures it isn't possible. I know God can take care of all of the above issues but I don't think he yet knows how to believe God for miracles.

Hi, My husband was gung ho for our first adoption..we had such a horrendous experience in Peru. We did IVF tx's after the adoption..didn't work. He said he was ok with the having one child..we had decided on at least 2 early in our marriage. I had to do alot of convincing to get him to agree to a second child. Now we are stuck in the Guatemala mess, but do have a darling 4 month old daughter waiting for us there, hopefully to be home around June. Men don't have that strong maternal desire (I guess some men do but I haven't met one). Our son is also very demanding, so I am sure that was part of it. I wanted 4 kids, but have had to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen. I look at the positive that I will have two. Maybe family counseling will help, I know it helped us, esp after the IVF didn't work (we also lost seven pregnancies).. My husband is not close to his brothers like I am to my sisters. He didn't see the need for our son to have a sibling. He did finally agree and I know once she is here she is going to melt his heart. All you can do is counseling, praying and talk , talk , talk about things. Maybe he would be ok with adopting an older child, one that wouldn't alter your lifestyle as much as a infant. Maybe a 4 or 5 year old? Once he see's the joy of parenting, then he will be ok with an infant sibling sometime. Good luck, Cathy

Like you, we never intended to have children. A few years ago, I started questioning that decision, but I didn't say a word. We had a deal, DH and I, and a good life and a happy marriage. I admit, and I have a hard time saying this publicly because I'm Jewish and Jews usually don't ask G-d for specific things, I sent up one prayer to change my husband's heart. I didn't dwell on it, it was a prayer on the holiest day of the year -- Yom Kippur and I never asked again. Here's what happened--Sept. 11, 2001. We read the stories about how people trapped in the twin towers called their children and their spouses. We heard the answering machine messages, read the obits. A few weeks later, my husband said he'd been thinking about what was really important in life and what sort of legacy he'd leave behind once he was gone. He said he wanted to adopt. Thus, a journey began. It wasn't easy, and many times my DH wanted to give up. Unbeknownst to us at the time, our daughter was born in India two months after Sept. 11, on the very day I first told friends that we were considering adoption. It took 18 months for her to come home. And, coming from me, a rationalist who eschews superstition, it still feels as if it were divinely influenced. I don't believe in soulmates or that there is only one person out there to marry, but I believe this little girl was meant for us. I don't know that your husband will change his mind. I can only say that I never imagined mine would and he did.

Just wishing you all the best.