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Here's what I'm struggling with right now...
We never really had a written down agreement with our relationship with Natalie's bmom and her family. We started out with a fully disclosed open adoption, visits, letters, pictures, e-mails, the whole nine yards. Once L terminated her rights, the e-mails, phone calls, visits from her just quit. We didn't see her again until Natalie's baptism and haven't seen her since. The e-mails have been few and far between from her and I am no longer getting any response from her when I send her an e-mail. I've been trying to send pictures every 6-8 weeks during this first year. She is relatively young (just graduated from high school) and the last I knew she was fairly busy working a third shift summer factory job and taking some college classes, but that was in June and in an e-mail from her dad. We are planning on inviting L and her family to celebrate Natalie's first birthday which is coming up in November.
There are two things I'm stuck on...
One is I feel very badly that L's dad and stepmom are not able to see Natalie as much as they would like... Our wish is that they would be another set of grandparents for her. I think they aren't pursuing seeing her because L isn't pursuing seeing her right now. Do you think it would be all right for me to contact L's dad and offer to let them visit even if L doesn't want to? We did not make any stipulation that our contact would be through L but I don't want to "overstep" that boundary between L and her parents (although I do believe they have a positive, strong relationship). Plus I'd love to get some additional health information that L's dad might know over what L knew when she filled out the paperwork.
Two is I want L to know she isn't invading our privacy or overstepping her boundaries by asking for a visit, but I don't want to be pushy.... I'm always leaving the door open in the letters and e-mails I send, saying we'd love to see her and anyone else in her family, just give us a call or send us an e-mail. She lives about 20 minutes (max) from us, so it isn't like it is an inconvenience to visit her or even pick her up to visit us.
Advice please!!!
Erin
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if I were you, I'd go ahead, but first I'd try and contact L and see if she minds. If she hasn't expressed a problem with it, I'd go ahead. L's young (like my dd's bmom) and I think she'll stay in some contact, but not like her parents. The bgrandparents I think are just more reliable.
Plus, you can never have too many grandparents :) .
lisa
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Hi Erin,I went on your website, and it's great! I am a waiting adoptive mom. We have been matched with a pbmom, and have had a few very wonderful conversations with her. Her phone has been shut off for a few weeks, so it's been awhile since we've heard from her, and I find myself waiting around in case she calls. I really enjoy our conversations and feel such a connection with her. I have expressed to her and interest to keep her informed with everything. She lives a short flight away, so it's not like we could go pick her up, but I'd be willing to fly her up here or we could go down there to see her. Anyway, I fear exactly what you are talking about. I do not know how I will handle this, and I think it's wonderful that you want to keep your daughters bio grandparents involved, too. I like Lisa's idea above, to run it by L first, so if she has any huge objection, she can have the opportunity to voice it. It seems she's just pulling away, and it may only be a phase, or it may not. But it doesn't mean that she wants nobody in her family to contact you or your family, you know? So I agree to email L first, and if you get no reply, than go forward with the bgparents. I am sure they will greatly appreciate your efforts. Best Wishes,Julie
Erin,
No idea how I missed your post before -sorry!
This is tricky, because there are birth parents who vehemently do not want their child or their child's afamily to contact anyone outside of themselves. Sometimes there are reasons for this that are valid for anyone, sometimes they're not so obvious or really done for reasons that are not valid to the rest of the world. (for instance, a 'valid' reason would be history of molestation, a less than valid is 'because they're mean and I hate them').
Bottom line though, is that they are your child's extended family - grandparents aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. And unless there's a real danger, I think you should nurture these relationships as well as relationships with birth parents.
There have been times that we've had more contact with our son's grandparents and aunt then we have our son's bparents. This is good - helps to carry us all through the times when his bparents needed some space but we needed to keep a connection alive.
We also maintain a relationship with the other grandparents, even though Ryan's bparents don't want that "because they're awful" because honestly we didn't find that. Strict, yes. Awful, no. We gently but firmly made it clear that we were going to do this for everyone's sake. Because in the end, they're family.
So here are my thoughts - contact the bmom, not to ask permisison, but to discuss as adults how you see relationships with extended family and how you'd like to see them. Ask for her input and thoughts. Then take it from there.
HTH, best of luck, and of course JMHO
Regina
Erin -
Our sons' BirthMom went through phases of contact and phases of no contact the first couple of years. This last year has been better.
Because of Geographic "stuff" we don't have visits, but have. When we were there before finalization we brought the boys to visit with her parents and her brother, even though at that time she was living there, she opted to go to the mall with friends instead. She did visit with us independently a couple of times.
I guess, if it was me, I would do just as Regina suggested, contact her and what her thoughts are. If you can't reach her for some reason, contact her parents, explain what that you've tried to reach her and put the offer out there. If she doesn't want them seeing her either, they will probably tell you that (hopefully!) and at least you'll have another opening into honest communication between all parties -
Assuming that is Natalie in your Avatar - she's a cutie-pie!
Thanks for the advice :) I know it has to be very hard for her, especially with Natalie's 1st birthday coming up, plus she has a friend who parented and had her daughter the same day L picked us to be the aparents (I think), so she may be seeing a lot of what she is missing by having placed.
A lot of it is probably just me, worrying about L's happiness in life after adoption, because I know from reading other bparents' posts, it is so, so incredibly hard for them, even when they feel positive about having placed. Even though seeing L right after Natalie was born was a little scary for me since we were still in the legal risk period, I kept thinking at least I know she is okay, alive, etc, even if I can't know whether she is feeling any peace about placing. This not knowing if she is "okay" is hard....
Erin
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