Birthmom Found...PLEASE Help!

Lady, Youre in a difficult position҅its hard writing a letter when you have to include everything you ever wanted to say because it might be the last time you get a chance to say itIŒve never really been in your shoes so I cant tell you how I did it. I suggest just opening up. Tell her about your life, about your favorite things, about your family and about your search. I donҒt know I think if I were doing it I would do it in journal formօwrite like no one is reading it now, but that someone might in the future. Youre in such a difficult position҅I hope someone who has been there responds and gives you some insight! Good luck!

Okay, this is what I have so far.... All replies and input are welcome... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Its ironic - IҒve always been a writer, even a better than average letter-writer, and yet I sit here again with pen in hand and the words escape me. Of all of the letters, papers and speeches Ive written in my life, this will be the most important. IҒve started and restarted this letter so many times and still, somehow, it seems so wrong to be putting my lifeӔ as I want to tell it to you onto paper rather than telling you about it over coffee I suppose I should begin by explaining my reason for searching for you. Charles ****ens once wrote: œI search because secrets beg to see light and cause much ill until they do. IԒve thought about that phrase often in my life, perhaps because I know I am still searching for the meӔ no one knows. I want to find out who I was before I became the person I am. I had loving parents and a decent childhood. I do not want to replace those who I have always known to be my family; I just need to know where I come from. I am not looking to disrupt your life or persecute you by dredging up painful memories. I've just often thought of you and would welcome a glimpse of my background, on whatever terms and at whatever pace you're comfortable with. So, I am going to approach this as I would any new relationship in its getting-to-know-you stage and start at the beginning. Im sure IҒll jump around a bit and some parts may not be explained in detail, but I am hopeful that you and I can fill in those blanks together as we go on. All of my life there have been things I imagined myself telling you one day. Trivial questions Ive wanted to ask like ғDid you think of me on my birthday? and ԓDo I look anything like you?ԅ But, of all of the questions Ive ever imagined myself asking you, over the past several weeks IҒve begun wondering more and more what you named me when I was born. I know they called me Baby Florence in the foster home, but I guess my birth name is just something Ive always wanted to know. For as long as I can remember, my parents were always very open and honest about my adoption. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother reading books to me in which adopted children were the main characters. She told me ғmy story numerous times while I was young. She was, perhaps, my greatest advocate Ԗ and though she tried, unsuccessfully, to hide the fact that I was her favorite, it seemed I was always the outcast. I grew up in Montana as the eldest of four children in the family (the other three were my adoptive parents biological children). I was teased incessantly - Always the ғdifferent one. But it really wasnԒt terrible. We did the things all families do. We played games, took vacations, went on fishing trips. My mother was a music teacher She gave up teaching to stay home and raise us kids, but she was always teaching us the piano or getting us to practice our vocal scales. My father was a heavy equipment operator and traveled all over Montana and Wyoming during the week, but was home on weekends. School always came easily for me, especially subjects like reading, spelling & English. I read just about everything I could get my hands on. (My mother says I was reading ֑Twas the Night Before Christmas out loud before the age of 2.) I won the Montana State Spelling Bee twice before high school, awarding me chances to compete at Washington D.C. for the national title. I began playing the violin at the age of nine, and played on a regular basis until my second year of college. I still pick it up from time to time just to stay in practice. I knew from a young age, though, that writing was what I really wanted to do. Before I even entered high school I won several state awards for my essays. When I started high school, I joined the journalism team Ԗ I was the editor of our high school paper from my sophomore year through my senior year, and even earned the Montana Silver Key Journalism Award for an interview I conducted with Governor Ted Schwinden when I was 15. After high school, I attended a local college and then the Columbia School of Journalism (in New York) for a year and a half, majoring in Mass Communications and Broadcast Media. My studies, however, were interrupted by a bout of stupidity when I met a man and followed him to the southern U.S. for a few years. Since then, Ive taken a few courses, but IҒve not returned full-time. My move to the south was particularly hard on my father since I was, after all, daddyӒs girl. We didnԒt communicate much in the 3 years I was away, mostly due to mutual stubbornness, I think. My daughter and I moved back to Montana in 1995 and my dad passed away a couple of months later. Since then, I find myself taking great care to protect and cherish the people that touch my life, even if only for a brief time. My 15 year-old daughter is now a sophomore in high school and is, quite honestly, the light of my life. A strong sense of family is something Ive always longed for, so I treasure even the petty teenage arguments. IҒm already dreading the day in the not so distant future when her high school days are over and she leaves home. I do wonder often if I resemble you at all. My daughter looks a lot like me; Even our baby pictures are even strikingly similar. I am 56Ҕ short and have waist-length reddish brown hair and green eyes. I used to be fairly athletic but, unfortunately, my early thirties crept up on me and Im much heavier now than IҒve ever been. I am so grateful to know that you are still out there. Im sure you have your own reservations and fears Җ Perhaps my greatest was that Id waited too long to try to find you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I will be adding more and editing a bit, but I need some feedback....What does everyone think????

LadyK ~ I think the letter is beautifully written and vividly descriptive of who you are today. As a birthmother myself, I would just be beside myself to get that letter from my Bdaughter. You answered many of the questions I have pondered over the years: Does she look like me? What interests and special talents does she have? Did she have a good family life growing up? Is she happy in her career choice? Children? Is she interested in knowing me, or angry that I relinquished? I could go on for hours.... Honestly, I think you did a superb job and I wish you the best of luck in the future. I know the time in between sending the letter and hearing something in return is going to seem like an eternity, but there are many folks here paddling the same stream. Come back and share your hopes and anxieties! ~Deb

When I first contacted my daughter via the reunion registry, her reply could not have been more appropriate. The key points which I needed to hear as a birth mother were these: (1) I know it must have been a very difficult time in a young woman's life (in other words, I do not harbor feelings of rejection or anger towards you for giving me up for adoption and I forgive you); (2) I was raised by a loving family and am a healthy productive adult (not an axe murderer or registered sex offender); (3) I am glad you found me because I've always wanted to fill this void in my life (but I'm not obsessed with it, so I'm not going to start stalking you and your family). The things in parentheses, of course, are not things she said, but what I perceived from what she said. All the other details such as where she grew up, what her current job is, etc, were nice filler - but those key points were what I needed to hear, and she has reiterated them to me in subsequent communication. She also indicated that she was interested in learning more. I think it was good that we didn't try to disclose our 40 year history in the initial correspondence because it's easier to digest a little at a time. Remember, the primary feeling you've experienced besides that hole in your soul is curiosity. SHE has experienced a hole in her soul AND grief, pain, mourning AND second-guessing her decision, AND worrying (as all mothers do) every moment of every day for all those years if you were okay, if your adoptive parents were loving parents or kept you locked in a cage (like the recent news story), if you hated her for giving you up, etc., etc., etc. That's a lot of pent-up emotion that she has had to try to bury and hide for a very long time; emotions that are all going to bubble up to the top when she gets your letter. I could not be happier at finding my daughter. Her responses were perfectly scripted. Yet I find myself fighting tears constantly as all these emotions unfurl. Thank goodness my family all knew about this, because they are still less than enthusiastic ('though supportive because they're happy for me). If this were unknown to them, I don't know how I could handle that extra drama right now. My point - be sensitive to what this means to her. Don't unload on her in that first correspondence if you want her to be emotionally "up" to a second and third and more. Just my opinion. My best advice is to please include those key points I mentioned, regardless of what else may be in your letter. 'Hope this perspective helps you.