Opinions on Open Adoption? Or Semi-Open?

hi, here's a link to Pact, who has a ton of articles on open adoption on their website: [url]http://pact.best.vwh.net/press/articles/open.html[/url] we have an open adoption (dd is 16 months old). I'd describe it as very open, we have direct contact, writing and calling, plus emails, we visited this summer (they live 2000 miles away otherwise it would probably be at least monthly). at the beginning, i wanted a fully open adoption, but dd's bmom wanted only a semi open. They thought they didn't want to see dd after birth. I shared with her parents (she was very young) my feelings on the matter (we wanted an open adoption, if they wanted to remain dd's family we were happy to have them as bgrandparents, etc. they thought i was a crazy californian :p . The match was short, about two days before dd's birth. Turns out they all met and held dd, she stayed in bmom's room, bmom even breastfed dd for those 2.5 days. During the one week we spent in Chicago we saw the entire family a few times and it was clear this adoption would be very open and has remained so. we like them and they like us. we're even in contact with bdad and visited them on our last trip to IL. we call, write and keep in touch with them as well. With bdad we have a legally binding open adoption agreement which we suggested (since we were not in touch with them until dd was about 8 months old we wanted to show good faith). The legally binding agreement is an option in a few states including CA. unless the birthfamily has a legally binding adoption agreement (which is negotiated amongst all of you), the aparents really control how often and whether the bfamily sees the child. There are many stories of afamilies who have changed their feelings, rightly or wrongly, and closed or restricted the open adoption. what's good about it? hard to say in just a short post. for us as aparents we have the security of knowing that when dd gets older, she can see that we've done the best to maintain a relationship with her bfamily. She'll have access to them, know them, know they love her (it won't just be a story that we tell her). i think, given her temperment, that her bfamily will be an important source for her development. finally, you and the expectant parents decide the openness of the adoption. the aparents can't dictate the openness and neither can the bparents. Aparents do control the access that bfamilies have to the child, but they can't make bfamilies respond the way the aparents want. Bfamilies have some control but again, it's not complete. I think as far as the postadoption period, aparents hold more "power" than the bfamily in terms of access to the child. I'd suggest you read some books, including "the open adoption experience" by lois molina (I think this is the author). I love it. also check out the articles on pact's website-they're great advocates of openness. finally, openness means something different for everyone. I hope others will share their stories. good luck! Lisa

Like Lisa, I am a huge fan of Pact's web site. I also encourage you to read books on the subject, in addition to Melina, who Lisa mentioned, seek out books by James Gritter. Children of Open Adoption by K. Silber has some decent first hand accounts from kids about what contact means to them. It was written in the early 90's so concentrates less on visits as part of openess. We have a very open adoption: letters, phone calls, pictures, family gatherings like summer picnics from 4 to maybe 6 times a year. The four of us, myself, DH, and both of my babe's birthparents dictated our contact, no one else. We offered what we were comforatable with, it matched pretty closely babe's birthmother's ideas, and exceded babe's birthfather's ideas. It is possible to meet expectant parents and realize that your ideas of openness are too different, then both parties should go else where. No one should ever agree to something because they feel they "have to." The biggest reason I choose open, I wanted no mystery for my child. I wanted no fantasies for my child. I wanted no reunion day for my child- but rather on an ongoing relationship that develops and ebbs and flows that my child has a say in, that my child feels empowered by. There is no build up to reunion day, there is no waiting- instead there is an existing relationship, there are pictures in our home of all of us, of all of babe's family. We speak as freely of babe's birthfamily as we do babe's adoptive family. To be honest, I also wanted no mystery for myself. I wanted to know fully who my child is and knowing as fully as I could included knowing where and who my child comes from. I also did not want to look at other women and wonder- and the idea of babe's birthmother wondering while looking at a child with their parents broke my heart. Open adoption is hard work. Would I change knowing my babe's birthfamily, would I change having them in my home, seeing them laugh when they play with babe- NEVER. We all make arrangements when it comes to visits. Maybe one day works for some and not for others so we try to work around it. Babe's birthfamily is respectful of what we think would be good for babe, where to meet, what to eat, how long to stay etc. The only down side for me has been entitlement issues. I had a very hard time feeling entitled to be my child's mother, in part because of my immense guilt over watching first hand the pain babe's birthmother went through. It took a long time for me to get over it, heck I'm still a work in progress. We have had other issues along the way, made a little stickier by our being related through adoption. But like I said, it's work. I work at it because I love my child and these people are part of my child, in the same way I work at my in-law relationships because they are part of my husband and I love my hubby. And if anyone ever tells you open adoption is co-parenting they are fool of hooey! Open adoption is about extended family, and, as a cousin of mine put it recently, ideally it's about having a larger support system and we all need as much support as we can get in this world.

Ditto to Sugar's and Lisa's posts both. Openness in adoption ranges from scheduled exchange of letters and pictures through an intermediary to fully open, integrated. Yes, both expectant and prospective adoptive parents have a 'say' in how much openness they desire in the ongoing relationship. It is important as a PAP though to understand that you should not consider connecting with an expectant parent who wants more openness than you, because that's a recipe for a lot of heartaches for everyone. Ideally, you should both have similar thoughts OR the expectant parent desire less openness than you. I love that my son has a complete understanding of who he is, that he has access to all his 'pieces'. I love that he is able to enjoy the love of so many more people in his life. I love being a new member of his birth family, because they are really neat people. It's hard work though. I hate that people think it's all flowers and roses and it's not, even though I would not choose it any other way. Then again, what worth having is easy? I hate that sometimes I must bite my tounge, I hate witnessing his birth parents struggle. I hate still having to answer questions about whether his 'real' parents can 'take him back' and stuff like that because after 3.5 years it's annoying. Oh yeah, and that co-parenting stuff. Super ditto, Sugar. It's most definitely NOT co-parenting. JMHO HTH Regina

Thanks, y'all. I will look at this some more -- you've given me lots to think about!

You bet, it is a lot to think about and I should have added that it took a year for me to be sure adoption was the path I should take, and then it took another few months to be sure open adoption was right for me. My hubby was the one who brought the idea to me, and the fears that I had about adoption, and open adoption, are the classic fears, the classic misconceptions. What finally clinched it for me was attended an all day (free, no obligation) introductory seminar given by the agency we finally chose in which they discussed their open adoption process and why they advocated openness. You are very newly married, it's ok to give yourselves time.

Great link with questions to ask yourself when considering the level of openness in adoption: [url="http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/f_openadopt.cfm"]http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/f_openadopt.cfm[/url] Bookmark it. Write out your answers. And realize they will change over time. The openness in our situation ebbs and flows with seasons, life changes and so on. As we learn to respect each other as members of a family unit, it becomes less and less of an issue and becomes more and more of "just the way it is." The easiest way to combat fear is to arm yourself with knowledge. That link (and entire website) are greatly helpful. :)

the adoptive parents and the birthparents work out how much contact there is for the open adoption. if the birthparents dont like how much contact you would like they are free to pick someone else. whats good about open adoption is you dont have to let your child search for you and you dont have to let your child wonder.

Great links and great information. I have truly discovered that openess ranges from all sorts of ranges. From adding family members to your extended family, to sending pictures and letters. My best thoughts are to not let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. Do what's best for you and your family.