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We have long suspected there was an adopted child of my grandparents. The family story was that the baby was stillborn.
Several years ago, my parent tried posting on an adoption website asking for help figuring out the truth. My parent was contacted by someone from the state of birth whom had "actual access to the birth records". This stranger, called my parent (without asking for any remuneration) and gave us the adopted name on the revised birth certificate, and contact info for the adoptive parents quickly followed. My parent called the adoptive mother, and was asked to go away, that her child did not know they were adopted. At that point my parent was unable to find any contact info for the adoptee.
My parent gently confronted her mom and said she believed there was an adopted sibling out there someplace. My grandma said that as far as she knew, the baby was stillborn, she never saw the baby (back in the days of being sedated for delivery) had signed some papers in the hospital but did not know what they said. (In her gentle and oblivious way, this was "end of story, if there was more to it, I do not want to know.) This all occurred back in the days when adoptions were swept under rugs and reality was what one chose to say it was.
Recently and sadly my Grandma passed away. Now my Mother has been trying to resume the search for the truth. Based upon the old info given to us, I have verified the fact that there was an adoption from the County Clerk's Office of birth, and we have sent for the original and revised birth certificates. The adoption itself is still sealed. I have located the adoptee, on a social networking site, and we can and will easily pay for an online service to get the physical address of the adoptee, and can get a sibling blood test if needs be to put the finest point on the proof that this exact person is from our family, by blood.
My parent really wants to make contact with the adoptee, as does the other remaining sibling of the adoptee, now that the truth of an adopted sibling is known.
This adopted person has a family that they seem to have good relations with, and a mother who apparently wants to keep things as they are. But there are some family genetic medical issues the adoptee should be aware of, and a very very small inheritance they are entitled to as well.
How to go about making contact is the sticking point.
Obviously this adult adoptee will have their world blown apart when they are told, but I hope it is not entirely selfish of our family to want to contact them.
SO, can anyone weigh in, on HOW to go about making contact? We have a couple theoretical options, but maybe there are other or better options we have not thought of yet?
Options we have considered:
Contact on social network, and maybe, maybe not achieve contact and a reply.
Pay for physical location information, and send a personal letter, and maybe, maybe not achieve contact and a reply?
Pay for physical location information, and pay a lawyer or paralegal to contact, regarding a meager inheritance, and maybe, maybe not achieve contact and a reply?
Pay for physical location information, and personally just walk up and ask them if we can talk?
In any of these options, we can include the birth records with or without some family photo's if that would be appropriate.
We seriously hope for helpful constructive advice from you all! Thanks in advance.
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Well, legally, adoptees are not entitled to any inheritance from their biological families. (Of course, if it was an illegal adoption, that probably would put a different spin on things.)I'm an adult adoptee. I don't like secrets. So, it's a shame that the a-mother never told her child about the adoption. But, that doesn't mean that this adult adoptee doesn't have the right to know. I would highly advise against just showing up and attempting to talk with your aunt/uncle. If s/he doesn't know, that is truly not the best way, in my opinion.I would send a letter. It gives your aunt/uncle time to digest the information. But, make sure you send the confirming documents--and state that your family will willingly submit to a DNA test.All I know is that the a-mother does not have a right to decide things for your aunt/uncle. This individual has a right to decide what s/he wants to do.
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I feel like a crazy internet stalker (as I have noticed some others say the same at least I am not the ONLY stalker of Facebook) but the adoptee has a few posts about how much they love their mother... and it is disconcerting. We are worried that telling the truth will harm them more than help. But on the other hand a family history of health problems including cancer are significant enough it feels like it is still important that they know these things, at the very least. So, yes, we are torn. I am hoping more people will toss us their 2 cents.
What a situation.
I'm not an adoptee, so my comment comes from a position of not understanding that experience personally, and from believing that all individuals have the right to know the facts of their lives.
Protecting the lie bubble could lead to the individual getting ill unnecessarily. Or their children getting ill. But then again, that may never happen.
Bursting the lie bubble could lead to great anguish and a painful re-evaluation of everything once trusted. Or it may not (some adopted people say they had a feeling, which the truth only confirmed).
I cannot imagine why the person hasn't been told, or who gains from that.
I would send a letter as L4R suggested, including supporting documentation.I would include the medical history that you feel they should know. If there is inheritance set aside for them, you can share that although legally there wouldn't be any requirement to share with them as they aren't a legal sibling anymore.And share that you are interested in meeting them.And be prepared, they may not want to contact you. They may be angry at you. I think you only get one shot at this. So include the important peices so that they have them when they are ready. They have a right to know and they are owed the medical information, but the first family doesn't have a right to demand more. Any other contact will need to be accepted and desired by him.Good luck. This one is a mess and yes, it will change their world and that of their kids. But the medical history is important not only to them but their offspring.
This is tricky for sure, but I'd still make contact.
I'd send the letter, certified or with some kind of signature so you know it was received. I agree it's important to mention the medical info up front, invite further contact/meeting, etc.
Personally, I would also include a picture of the adoptee's first mother (your grandparent). There is something about visual recognition that can be very meaningful for adoptees.
Best wishes. I think you are doing the right thing in wanting to make contact and get the info directly to the adoptee.
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It's going to come as a shock.
But, if you do have serious health issues in your family, my belief is that your relative has the right to learn this information.
And, you may want to let your relative know that this was a difficult decision because you didn't want to be the one to reveal the secret. But, you felt it was imperative to let him/her know about your family's health history. (This will show the adoptee that you weren't being cavalier about his/her life. You felt compelled to do it because of the health history.)
As others have stated, you may only get one shot at this, so it would be a very good idea to include a complete family medical history along with the letter and verifying documents.
And, of course, let your relative know that your family would love to develop a relationship. While I think it's important to stress that the medical information was what led you to reveal the secret to the adoptee, you also need to make sure to let the adoptee know that s/he is welcome .