What a chicken

Hi, I am a chicken too. And I am a chicken exactly for the reasons you were exposed too. I have listened to the hurtful things that people have to say about adoption when they don't know that you are a bmother!!!! The hideous comments are so hurtful so why share and try to explain to these people??? I guess we should be educating them but i'm not brave enough to do that. But I have talked a couple of pbmothers out of adoption so i guess that's my good deed...I am sorry that your semi-open adoption was closed. My bdaughter's aparents have honoured the very open agreement we have over the last 15 years. There are some good aparents out there - but I don't know what they say about me behind my back either... The other contradiction that I read on these boards often is when aparents and/or foster parents have an achild living with them and the bparents want the child back. They say "but we are the only parents "Jonny or annie" has ever known"... they forget that the child did have a relationship with the bmother FIRST and that they too were once strangers to the child...dah...how quickly it gets turned upside down and once again the bparents are BAD.....oh well just another rave... Good on you for pointing out the contradiction in a professional manner.

All I can say is from an amother's point of view, I'm disqusted and appauled at the comments your coworker made. (geez, i'm so upset, i don't know if i even spelled those words right...please forgive me..) I can't speak for all amoms, but for me personally, this is how I feel. 1. If it wasn't for my dd's bmom, I wouldn't be a mom today. How can you not feel something in your heart for these women who give so selflessly? No matter the kind of woman dd's bmom may be, I will always respect and be grateful to her...never degrading to her or another bmom. (I must say though, she's an amazing woman) I really don't see how you can be an adoptive mother and down right degrade the woman who gave you the child you longed for. 2. I think it's a shame that she would close the adoption. To me, she's not thinking about the child involved. I personally feel that everyone is entitled to know who their parents are and I can't imagine how much it would hurt that particular bmom to close their adoption. You also said that your adoption had become closed and for that I'm so sorry. I don't think you're a chicken. I think you are a very brave, strong woman with a lot more self control than I would have had in that situation. I think telling your coworkers you are a bmom is completely up to you. I mean, if they're gonna talk about you behind your back and make your life miserable, maybe you should just not say anything to save your sanity at the workplace. If it keeps eating at you, maybe you could talk to that particular coworker alone and tell her your story. Maybe, she'll realize she's being irrational and will rethink her feelings toward her child's bmom. In the meantime, I'll say a little prayer for you....

There are all sorts of personal things I don't reveal to coworkers, aquantainces or even close friends and I would've responded the same way you did. I think you're to be congratulated for making her at least think before saying another word or cutting of contact. It's the woman you work with who should have felt ashamed/guilty, not you. In a workplace you never know who you're talking to or what their experiences are or have been. It's not unlike people going off on pro-life tangents in a room full of strangers. No one knows people's individual circumstances and by railing against people's individual and deeply personal choices you make yourself look mean-spirited, ignorant and judgmental (JMHO). Bottom line: You don't need to out yourself or become a poster-child for birthmothers everywhere to make a difference in how people think, feel, talk about adoption. Everyone doesn't need to know your personal business; it's OK to want to keep some things to yourself. ((HUGS))

I agree with Sneezy...your co-worker should be ashamed of herself! You do not have to be the protector of birthparents, but she should be respectful of them. As an amom,I would NEVER say anything bad/negative about DS's bmom to anyone other than DH - it's none of their business and I wouldn't want it to be reflected onto my son. Also, kinda building on that, I feel that when someone is so negative and judgemental of their child's biological links, it can be felt back to the child. No ONE is perfect, whether biological or adoptive, and we all need to be respectful of that. I would never allow anyone to talk poorly of a bparent in front of me. Grrr...I'm angry for you....sorry you had to go through that.

To be honest, I had really been looking forward to talking to my coworker, knowing that she had adopted, I had really wanted to see and here about the benefits or disadavantages of open adoption. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone?. After having my closed, for reasons unknown. I had always wondered and worried about my girl (I am sure no matter what the situation, everyone does). It really tore me up, and shook my whole belief system when the adoption was closed and no one could or would bother telling me anything. So, when I found out I was working with a amom, I was excited. maybe I could get some questions answered, I could see what kind of bond she had with the child, and how she really felt about the openness and the bfamily. Well, I got more than I bargained for, and her reason for open adoption was ( her words) You have to deal with the bmoms and make it open or you can't get a kid anymore. I know she is only one bad apple in whole orchard of good apples ;) , and I have seen her daughter and have seen her interact with her daughter and she is very good mother, who truly loves the child. I guess what I am trying to put into words, Is the woman knew the deal, and if she could not do it, Than why? She wanted the baby that badly. I am rambling now, still angry at her and trying to quit kicking myself. and all of you are right what were me and my co-worker going to do become the newest bit of gossip. (The birth mom and the amom at war) Be cause if it would of came out at work, all my wonderful coworkers would of turned it into nasty gossip and spread rumors about the both of us. ( :mad: If anyone here works for the state of Mi, you know exactly what I am talking about)

there's no reason for you to feel as if you need to educate or defend every time it's presented. for your own sanity, you get to pick and choose your battles. the fact that you have to work with her means it's about making a comfortable workplace for you and others. I'm proud of you that you did take her on about the main issues-that's what will change her mind, if anything. I have to say stories like this disgust me. For the life of me I can't imagine why people would act this way. Not only discussing bmom in such a negative way, but then taking the "opportunity" to close the adoption -disgusting. I hope her talk with you opened her eyes a tad. as an amom, I know there are situations in which we all could be driven to act in what we feel is the best interest of our child and ourselves. some people like to think they know themselves when they really don't. you did a fantastic job-pat yourself on the back. lisa

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry that you were subjected to this person!! I can hardly believe that she is an adoptive mother :eek: It wouldn't have mattered who the audience was, I would never make those kinds of derogatory statements. I get the thing about "how could they give that beautiful boy away" all the time. I just say that they weren't able to parent and since it is a closed adoption, we don't know their reasons for placing.

I'm a chicken, too. I don't think it is healthy to have someone who may be non-supportive to know. We have a hard enough time internally to have someone judge somthing they have no idea about (unless they are a bmom). I hid my pregnancy from my family. My mom and sister don't even know that I was pregnant. Yet I have been concidering telling them this Christmas (when my mom is coming to visit from out of state). I feel like instead of waiting years to tell them I should tell them now so they can be ready to meet her (eventually). I just hope they are supportive and aren't angry that I gave their granddaughter/neice away...

I rarely tell people about our fully open adoption. Part of it is a big fat chicken problem. Part of it is the fact that people are absolutely rude when they are uneducated about things. Part of it is that I am entitled to some privacy within my own life and don't feel the need to tell every Joe Schmoe about the hardest part of my life. My coworkers are not very close friends so I feel no guilt in not telling them. It's when I make a new, real friend that I have the most trouble deciding if they should know and when is an appropriate time. The best is when my birthdaughter runs around at family events that the aparents attend... and people are none the wiser. Heh. I'm amused at that.