Any information for adoptive moms during reunion?

This article couldnt of come at a more perfect time for me to read. I am just getting home from my a-families house celebrating my brothers birthday. I have found and been reunited with my birth family for almost 4 years now. It all has been so great and I have been very welcomed. It is a great feeling. I have 2 kids...9 and 5 and today my 9 year old was showing my a-mom something that was given to him by my birthdad. We were on our way out and I only heard part of his converstation and heard my b-dads name. When we were on our way home I asked him if he told grandma where he got what he had. He said yes and told her his name. I then waited and asked a little more and he said he said that his grandpa ..... gave it to him. And then said his name. My stomach sank I and I feel sick because of not wanting to hurt my parents. I have been very honest with my kids and dont want him to feel he did wrong. My a-parents wont talk to me about this and it is so hard. I came home and found the email about this forum and have printed the letter to someday give to them so maybe they will understand. It is hard because when I have tried to talk they just dont want to hear it. I really like how this letter was written and it was very well said in my eyes as an adoptee. Thanks for listening. Just needed a place to talk :- )

Hi everyone, Welcome to the forums Puzzleiomplete, there is a great group of people here and many of them I would concider friends.:grouphug: It is so hard to find the common ground between our need, as adoptees, to know our birthparents, and the need for our adoptive parents to accept that and not get hurt. I am so protective of my mom and dad, they are who raised me and supported me and nothing will change that and on the same hand my birthparents are why I am here, they were the answer to my mom and dad's prayers, it's also because of them my daughter is here. I am one of the lucky ones, my parents supported my search and even helped me to find my birthparents:clap: but I know it bothers them now that she has surfaced. My mom and I talk openly about how we feel and I reassure her all the time and tell her I love her but I know on some level, I am a mom myself and it would bug me a little, that it bugs her. I want to tell my mom everything, every little detail of our phone conversations and meetings, but I am finding that is not a good idea, I am worried about hurting her so I keep alot of the details to myself. I hope at some point that everyone will find their place, and they will, and I realize also that it's not up to me to find it for them, they have to do that for themselves. I wish all of you luck in your searches and reunions! God bless! Aura

HI Aura and thanks so much for your reply. I can very much relate to what you have said. I am so glad you are able to talk to your mom about this. You are very lucky for that. I was wondering if you had brothers or sisters? Are they supportive of this? If so are the also adpoted? I wish I could talk to my mom but it just hasnt been there. I am sure she is on the phone with my sister right now. They are very very tight and talk about everything and talks to her about me so I feel left out. It just can be very uncomfortable. I am the middle child and the only one who is apoted. That is why I like to come here and read because I have found people going through the same thing. I am so concerned about how they are all feeling and I sometimes feel they are not thinking about what I might be going through. Thanks again for your reply. It is so nice to have poeple understand :- ) Sally

Hi Sally,I do have one brother who is also adopted, he is six years yonger than me. He doesn't say much about me finding my birthparents other than congrats, he is a very quiet and shy. I have told him if he is ever ready to search I would help him but he is not there yet, he may never be. His b-mom was a drug user and had some problems and he knows that, it may be why he doesn't want to search. I had thought about searching many times over the years but it wasn't until I had a child of my own and my husband some major heart problems that I searched and found them. We desperatley needed the medical information for my daughter as my husbands health is so bad. You will find lotts of people here who understand even if they are not going through the same thing you are, we are all part of the triad and it's nice to have a place to go where you can say how you feel and not be judged for it, we have all been there. I look forward to getting to know you and hang in there, hopefully in time everything will work out! You and your family are in my prayers hon! God bless! Aura

Aura, I am so happy for you in your new relationship with your b-family! I wish a-parents would realize the special place they hold in your heart and in your life and that no one is ever going to take their place. They have been the ones who have been there through out your life for you, when you were a baby and cried in the night and needed to be held, when you were sick, No one is ever going to take their place but there is still room for more, your b-mom. Since your dad doesn't or won't talk about it, it's hard to quess what he is really thinking about all this. I can't help but be envious too, I am a b-mom who's b-daug (will be 38 01/2006)was located in 10/2003 by a CI after I petitioned the court. We have been in contact with each other (by email/letters) now since 01/2004 but that is all. I have ask if I could call her but she said no, she said she wouldn't know what to say, she also said she can't see telling her parents (a-parents.) She has 2 adopted brothers and they have always known they were adopted but was not and still is not a big deal to them. She said she has never even thought about searching for me. She is not married, no children. After 2 years of corresponding, do you think she will ever come around and want more than emails/letters/cards too? Sheila

Dear Shelia,It's very possible that she will come around. You said she has no children and is not married. Before I had my daughter I never really wanted to search. I had thought about it but once I had my daughter and I really wanted to know, being a parents changes the way you look at things and I know I would look at her and see that she had my eyes and her dads face and wonder who I looked like. It got me thinking. I will pray for you and your daughter hon. Thanks for the reply! God bless and happy holidays! Aura

Hi, I am an adoptive mom who has been following your story for awhile. My daughter is 27 now, but when she was 21 we "went searching" for her biological mom. I was a little apprehensive, but as usual, we forged on as a team and her father and I supported her 100%. Then, I received the call from family that her birthmother was unable to meet her. I would have rather met her then and there, because we had planned for it, including adding a whole new family to our already huge one. The point I am trying to make is that there is a reason God has put us together, (whether by adoption or birth) and we don't always know what His plan is. Whatever it is, I will continue to support my daughter because I consider it an honor to be part of her life. I'm sure your parents feel the same way.

I hate to say this, but I know too many families that spoke for the birthparent without even consulting them. Too many birthfamilies that beleve they know what is best for the birthparents. Get it straight from the horses mouth. No not rely on family who often have their own agendas.

I agree 100% that too often either birth or adoptive families take on it themselves to speak on behalf of someone. Believe it or not, I have heard some adoptive parents too speak on behalf of their children and say that their children do not want contact (or to search) - when maybe they haven't even asked them. There seems to be a prevailing attitude in adoption that everyone needs "to be protected". Personally, I think it is terribly wrong to speak for someone else - I understand why it's done - still think it is wrong. It seems to be very common. Adults deserve to make their own decisions and not have info withheld from them or be outright lied to. Yes, never accept anything from a third party - even it is someone that you'd normally trust. They may feel a need to "protect" you.

yes, that was a thought in the back of my mind; that the family was protecting her, but the bmother has married and not told her husband about the child she had. (that we know of) there are alot of women in this situation and my daughter didn't want to rock their relationship. At least she knows her birthchild is searching.

Guess what I am saying is that there is no way to really know for certain IF she really does know. All your daughter really knows is that someone in the family knows - but, they may not have told her.

I ran into this same exact thing in my search for my birthmom! About a month into my search I was sent an address for my birthmom by a search angel. When my sister in law took my letter to that address my birthmoms mom said that none of her daughters ever put a child up for adoption and I had the wrong people, she then slammed the door in her face. I knew I had the right family so I didn't give up and sure enough, when my birthmom contacted me on Thanksgiving she was very happy that I had found her and had always hoped I would, I asked her if her mom knew about me and she said yes, her mom was one of the people that pushed for the adoption. She didn't know I had contacted her mom until I told her! I realize she was probably just protecting her daughter but had I not been us persistant as I am I would have never found my birthmom . Aura

You don't know for certain until you talk to the birthmom. That's really the bottom line.....

A few weeks ago I posted to this thread that I was okay with my daughter not telling her adoptive parents about our reconnecting, but it's starting to get to me. If they are half as wonderful as she tells me, I think they'd want to know. They might even want to thank me for giving them the opportunity to be parents to my child. Who is she to declare about her family "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" - I am certain that she has no more idea of what her adoptive parents have felt over the years about this than my family did about how I felt. Yet I hesitate to push on this, because I don't want to push her away... Any thoughts?

It must be hard trying to calm adoptive parents who may be stunned and surprised that you want to connect with your original mom. However, I am sure that many/most of them, if they are kind, generous & loving people, will understand your need to reconnect and be supportive.As a bmom, I can only say that I never wanted to intrude on my kid's aparents whilst he was growing up. I am not demanding that he calls me "Mom" either. Yes, he still spends holidays with afamily - that's as it should be (but maybe one day he will spend just one with me - I hope). I respect them and am grateful that they have given my son unconditional love and support throughout his life (apart from them being very wealthy & therefore able to offer him financial support too!).Most of all, I CAN NEVER REPLACE THEM. I know that. I am just grateful that they have been supportive of our reunion & have not interfered.As for telling the details. NO! That's private between you and your bmom. Just as, I'm sure, you don't tell bmom everything you do or say with amom. If you need to tell, tell a close friend who understands. It would probably be a little too much for either mom if you were to "tell all". Just remember, we BOTH love you and, however hard it may be for some of us to share, I am sure that amom & bmom will respect each other. So, please do not feel torn. Respect all round and a little discretion will go a long way. Just think of yourself as lucky that you have double the blessings of most other people. You have 2 moms who love & care for you. If they are both good, nice people whom you love (probably in different ways), then you are blessed indeed.