Need Advice

We really didn't discuss open adoption until we were asked by Bears mother...thru the CW. We were comfortable with it. I think the best part is that with the agreement they way we have it, we maintain control of when, where, and how.The thing that I don't like about it is that Bmom has never held up her end of the bargain, yet we still maintain contact with b-gma. It feels like a one way street...or that bmom did it for the sake of her mother. For example, insert grandmothers name everywhere in the agreement where bmom's name is. I suppose what I am saying is that I feel that SHE pressed the issue of open adoption, yet stopped all contact when he was 4 months old. Now we have this agreement in place and is she going to want to pop in and out at her convenience? I don't think it is right.

The best piece of advice our agency gave us while waiting was "don't let your emotions make your promises for you." Meaning, of course, not to get so swept up in wanting a baby that you'll promise the moon. Know what you are and are not comfortable with, and only promise what you know you can follow through on - forever. We chose "semi-open" in the beginning. The twins' birthmom wanted that, as well. As time went on, though, we all got to know each other and things have opened up completely. Best of luck!

We did change our minds the same way from no visits to visits. However, we had a hard time convincing our social worker that we actually wanted to do it. In fact, once when I called to see how things were going, she said "well, I did have a mom in who fit your criteria except she wanted visits and to see the home before the baby was born, so I didn't show your profile." I did want to scream at that point however, we ended up switching agencies for several other reasons and adopting our daughter from the new one, which really pushed for open adoptions. I would definitely agree, though, to not make any promises you don't think you can keep. So if you say visits, then you should be willing to do visits. Erin

Is there anything that I need to think about before making this decision??? There are lots of things to think about. Having an open adoption isn't a one-time event. It is a lifelong (or at least 18 year) committment. Be sure you "like" the expectant parent(s) and think you can have an enjoyable relationship with them. Think about any other children you may adopt. It is my opinion that if the choice is there, it is best for siblings to have the same level of openness in their adoptions. What if we move??? If moving is in your forseeable (is that a word?!) future, consider the effect the break in the relationship could cause. It is important to be up front about any plans or possibilities you may have for the future. Our son was born in a different state than we lived in. It just so happened that it was the state we planned on moving to, and we let his first mom know that. I think it played a part in her decision. We moved right before our son turned two. I'm not suggesting that long distance relationships can't work, just that if the expectations of regular visits is there, a move will disrupt that. Can I say that I will do visits until a certain age and then let the child decide??? We actually have this in our agreement. It becomes my children's decision when they reach thirteen. Now, this doesn't mean that once they hit the magic age they don't have to visit with her becasue they'd rather go out with their friends. We will continue to visit and spend time with them as we do any other family member. However, if there were valid reasons and/or adoption issues, then we all will recognize that at that age our child's feelings are priority. Hope that made sense. Good Luck

Happy twins mom is right, don't let your emotions, especially your fear of not being matched, make this decision. I really do believe there is a match for everyone, it just requires patience (I understand, way easier said than done) and faith. I also agree with the poster that said they didn't consider it until pbmom brought it up. We were open to open adoption, but we never could have imagined being as open as we are with our DD's bparents. That is purely due to the connection we've been fortunate enough to make, if we all didn't like each other so much, I don't think any of us would have wanted this much openness. Bmom was in our home Monday.. our first post placement visit. It was great to see her. One thing to remember, we all have different comfort levels. What is comfortable for us, may not be for you. And that is so OK! We don't have to all have the same kind of adoption or the same level of openness. The important thing is to decide what you are comfortable with. Then the pbmother that is right for you will find you. Just be at peace with your decision, if you change it during the match, that could really hurt the match. And if you change it after the placement, that could also do some damage on the relationship. Our DD's bmom actually told us that she doesn't want us to push DD if she needs a break from her bparents when she's older. I do not know if this will happen or not, but I know many teens go through rebellion against just about everyone and I think that's what they are anticipating. I will stay in touch with bmom even if DD doesn't want direct contact. I promised bmom updates and even if our relationship changes over the years and we lose contact to the degree we've had, I will still honor our agreement. It is comfortable and brings me comfort in fulfilling it. Hope this helps. Listen to your heart. You'll know what to do.

with our agency we had the option of deciding upon the level of openness based on a case by case basis, perhaps your agency would allow that? That way if a potential birthmom was interested in speaking to you, she could and then you could discuss the kind of contact you would be open to. Hope that makes sense. For us, we had originally said we only would send letters/photos through the agency no visits. BUT of course it has changed over time and we now have a completely open adoption where we visit at least once a year etc... so things can change. We have recently signed with our agency and are waiting for baby#2, this time we put that we would be open to contact on a case by case basis. If, for instance, a potential birthmom wanted weekly visits we would tell her that wouldn't work for us - not because of the adoption part of it but because I don't even see my family weekly... they'd drive me crazy !!! I think of our open adoption like any other family relationship - if we happen to be nearby I call and see if we can stop in, I call when I get the chance or have something to share... I guess to me they (the birthfamily) is more than my sons birthfamily, they are a part of our family. gina

I'm so glad you posted this! I wish I'd read a thread like this when we were in your shoes. We were initially hesitant about open adoption. Looking back, it's because we'd heard all the horror stories about them and didn't have facts, mostly myths. After meeting w/ our SW, we talked a lot about how different open and semi-open arrangements are. We knew that for the child, we did NOT want a closed. We wanted him to be able to have some information, especially as he grew up and started asking questions. WE wanted him to feel secure that his birthparent(s) chose us for certain reasons. So, we decided that semi-open sounded great to us. Our SW said most of their adoptions are open, and we would increase our chances of being matched if we would consider it. We said it would really have to depend on meeting the birthparent(s) and how we all felt about communicating with each other. We ended up officially requesting semi-open with the option to move to open or consider an open arrangements based on the circumstances. As it turned out, a birthmom chose us and SHE requested semi-open. Now I'm sad that we don't have contact with her! She stopped checking in with the agency when our baby was 6 weeks old.But I have comfort knowing we're continuing to send updates to the agency to be placed in her file, and when she's ready, she can look at them. Plus, we have at least a very little bit of information on her and the bfather for our son. I wish we had more medical history, and wonder if something comes up in the future if we'll be able to get in touch with her if we need that, should an emergency arise. I guess I've also become envious of some great open relationships that our friends have and others have that share in this forum. I just hope our son will be satisfied some day with what little we know, and I hope his birthmom feels some peace knowing she can always find us through the agency (and I hope she does!)

I agree.Is it possible to have an "open to discussion" on the level of openness? Every situation is so different. It is sad if a SW makes you make that decision even prior to being matched.There are so many emotions involved in adoption. You never know where it will take you. Perhaps the ** will end up being like a sister to you, and perhaps she will never be around again. Unfortunately it is unknown. Can you discuss this with you SW and see what your options are. Don't you decide on a plan after your are matched?

[font=Comic Sans MS]First off, thanks to all of you who are responding with your thoughts and suggestions. I really do appreciate it. I ask my friends and family for their thoughts and they are so sweet to talk with me, but I don't really know anyone who has gone through this, so it's nice to come here for support.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS]I have another call into my sw to discuss this in further detail, but in the beginning we had to fill out a "key" on what we were willing to accept or not accept. Once we fill out that key, we pretty much have to uphold our end of the bargain (which I totally want to do)! I am not going to change my mind just b/c I feel the wait is too long or I just happen to be emotional that day. I feel very strongly that we WILL be matched and it will all work out :) . It makes me so angry when you hear about aparents that say they will do things after the placement just to get a baby and then don't fulfil their end of things :mad: !!! I definitely don't want to do that!!![/font][font=Comic Sans MS]If we have on our key that we aren't interested in visits, then they wouldn't even show us to a pbirthmother who said she definitely wanted visits. Do you see what I'm saying?? I guess I could talk to our sw about making it on a case by case basis b/c that sounds like what it ends up being anyways. BUT, if I put that we do want visits and then I don't feel a bond with her or whatever, then I can't just change my mind and say that I don't want to be matched with her. Once I put it down, I have to agree! Does that make sense?? I guess I will know more once I talk with my sw again to get more details. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS]Thanks btkfamily, I think that's what I will suggest to my sw...that we are "open to discussion". It's just so hard to say what will work for my family, her family and our baby/child. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS]Thanks again for your comments, it's so helpful to know that you guys are out there!![/font][font=Comic Sans MS]I'll keep you posted![/font]