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My daughter and I were reunited in 2001. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotion..mostly negative on both sides. Her behavior was bizarre. She told crazy lies to my husband and myself, also our friends (about us too). She manipulates and is very good at it. She falsely accuses people, causing them much strife. It became so bad in her home town her AGrandmother said she cannot return as her lying and false accusations have resulted in "too many people looking for her". We found out after knowing her 2 months the AGrandmother knew about her past behavior but decided to not tell us so she could have a "new start" since she'd always said if she were with me she'd stop these behaviors. NOT! Yes, we were very unwise in taking her in for 2 months. It is now 4 1/2 yrs later. The vile letters have waned but the repeated "bugger off" letters have continued to trickle in. Sometimes phone calls that are very confrontational and aggresive on her part, then concilatory, then aggresive again. Then she told me she'd been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and that she couldn't control herself. This is why she was the way she was she said. I told her it was her choice to not seek help and that she could learn control. She disagreed quite strongly. I ended the call. I sent her a letter outlining the truth of her behavior and offered another try as a relationship based on honesty. I recieved another "bugger off" letter. She's now contacted my Dad asking for contact which he's put off answering. He said to me he does not want contact but didn't want to be rude. He knows what happened here. I am afraid she'll now start all this nonsense in my Dad's life, whether he has official contact or not. She has a past history of not going away when she says she will. My Dad's a 76 yr old with bad health and I don't want this problem in his life. Is there anyone who can give me advice who's been through something similar? I'd SO appreciate any help.Thank you.
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Still Reeling
I have no advice or words that could help. But know I am sorry that your daughter has mental health issues and they have had a huge impact on your relationship with her and on your family. Life sometimes isn't kind - reunion sometimes doesn't bring the closure you seek and sometimes you have to take a hard road to protect ourselves and those we love.
Regards - Ann
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still reeling
The vile letters have waned but the repeated "bugger off" letters have continued to trickle in. Sometimes phone calls that are very confrontational and aggresive on her part, then concilatory, then aggresive again. Then she told me she'd been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and that she couldn't control herself. This is why she was the way she was she said. I told her it was her choice to not seek help and that she could learn control. She disagreed quite strongly. I ended the call.
Hi Still Reeling,I'm beginning to think that my daughter is ill as well. Now that I've reunited with my daughter and spending just 2 days with her.... her behavior was quite bizarre. At first I thought that she was trying to make me feel guilty for having had to surrender her when I was 16. She hadn't bathed, her apartment was filthy, drugs lying around then once I got back home I got emails of how she was not going to be able to support herself. When I offered to help any way I could I got a response from her that basically said she got nothing from me .. no talent no personality and that her parents were going to get her another apartment. Really kinda hurt my feelings. Although myself and my other children are quite normal I do believe that my daughter may be afflicted with schitzophrenia. I only found out that my own natural father (deserted us when I was only 3) may have this disorder when he showed up on my doorstep 32 years later homeless and wanting to move in with me. I'm furious with my mom for not telling me this as she always said to me "he loved you the best he could" but she NEVER told me he was mentally ill. I really want to ask her aparents if she is afflicted in this way, but I just don't know how to broach the subject .... we've only emailed once to each other. I really need to know for my own sake as I will be better prepared for these types of personality swings.. and if she's not then I'll know that she's just being manipulative or that she used me to get their attention. Any advice would be very welcome.
Many metnal ilnesses are known to be a comnination of a genetic predisposition AND environmental factors. Nature AND nurture. Mental health issues are difficult to deal with in families with our without adoption. But, I firmly believe that for many people the stress of being separated by adoption, and dealing with feelings of rejection that knowing one is adopted bring up...activate these genetic weaknesses that other fmaily members may be stronger to resist.This was the case for my daughter who had several genetic factors going against her and was also separated from a loving foster fmaily at a year of age (without my knowledge). It culminated, unfortunately in her suicide at age 27. I have a younger daughter (now 26) who suffers from some of the same issues and i am hoping she has the foundation to not succumb to it. As for bundaries, we each have to find what is safe for us, and then hopefully set those boundaries LOVINGLY - easier said than done when someone is exhbiting very hostile, rude behavior as a result of the pain they are suffering.