Advertisements
I'm hoping that some here who have gone through this will have some insight and be able to help us. I am middle eastern, and DH is half Mexican, so we are both relatively dark complected for "caucasians" as the goofy forms say. When we were adopting in Los Angeles County, we were told we would likely be matched with a baby who is African American. Lo and behold, our son comes, and here he is, about one shade lighter than me. He has what would probably be considered Anglo features, including hair that is about the same texture as mine. He looks so strikingly like a blend of me and DH, it is almost creepy. He's gorgeous, and much like with me if you were to look at him it would be hard to pinpoint his ethnic origin (people always ask me about me, "Are you Greek? Italian? Iranian?").
The social worker told me "black baby boy" and the baby they put in arms is basically a cuter and better looking version of us, but not black. No one believes he is African American, and if his social worker hadn't been in the hospital when he was born, she said she may not have believed it either (and she IS African American). She thinks birth mother lied about who birth father was, and she suspects birth father was white or Mexican.
We had always planned on telling him that he was adopted. I want him to know the truth. Question is: how and when do I raise the race issue? I'm about 50 pages into the "I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla" book and I don't know that it is really relevant to our situation. Has anyone been faced with this? In the old bigoted days, they used to say you could "pass" as white. I don't want him to pass, I want him to know and be proud of who he is.
Like
Share
do you have contact with the bmom? if so she may be willing to clarify.
Bmom is black, right? If so, he's black whether he can pass or not. There's a book called "shades of black" which shows a ton of kids who are black and look all sorts of ways. that might help.
if you're unsure of his heritage then it's important to try and clarify it for his sake.
if you can't then take the bmom at her word, it's all you can do.
Advertisements
Birth mom is MIA. They have no idea where she lives. She literally left the hospital and made no attempt at reunification. When she was in the hospital, she told Baby's social worker that the father was African American. Then again, she also gave them a made up name for birth father, so no telling if she even knows who the birth father is.
He is black. I just want to know how to discuss that with him, and when to discuss it with him. I can just imagine him looking in the mirror and then looking at me and saying, "No I'm not." I'll look up that book you suggested. You're right, there is no one distinctive look that defines black.
I always think about Tiger Woods. This is a quote from an article about him (ironically, it was chastizing him for not "claiming" his African American-ness) He has always refused to be classified as African American and that makes some people mad."To be sure, he does not deny having a black father, who is the one who actually taught him the basics of the game when he was still a toddler. Instead, he emphasizes also that his mother is Thai and that his father, along with his African blood, also has Native American and Caucasian ancestors. This is why Mr. Woods refers to himself as דCablinasian ԗ a term of his that combines his Caucasian, African, Native American and Asian heritage" His parents did it right. They taught him and embraced ALL of their backgrounds and let him choose for themselves. At some point, you son might decide for himself which he wants to identify with or how he chooses to identify himself to others. As long as you teach him with confidence and pride--he will be fine. At some point he will ask about his bparents. That is when I would bring it up.
about timing. I know that we talk about dd's blackness as a given (we're all AA). I think difference is noticed by kids at a very young age (as early as age two, if not earlier. dd's noticed that mom's thighs are not like hers, lol, and she's 16 months). I'm personally not a fan of the chocolate/vanilla book, just because she downplays the discussion of race until kids are older-I think that's a mistake. read as many books as possible, talk to folks and settle on a strategy for you, which takes into account your child's knowledge of things (kids are all very different). We have a ton of books around that talk about skin color, being comfortable with who you are, I read poetry from black poets to her, etc.
The key thing I believe is that our daughter know what people say when they say she's black. She'll be more comfortable knowing that I think. There won't be this weird thing where she think "black" only means the crayon color.
you might also read Inside Transracial Adoption by G. steinberg and B. hall, and also the website [url]www.pactadopt.org[/url]. click on articles of interest. They have a ton of articles on race and transracial adoption.
I also agree that you can talk about it from a very young age, as kids start to notice it when they're preschool age. I'm CC and my 3 year old son is biracial, AA and theoretically CC, although his birthfather looked like he had some Hispanic ancestry. I have already mentioned to my son at various times when it seemd appropriate, ie. looking at pictures of birthfamily or books, "See, you have brown skin like your JessicaMama, mommy and daddy have white skin. People look different, but they're the same on the inside." He even said to me once (unsolicited!), "I have brown skin Mommy but you are red and white (my English ancestry gives me rosy blotches, apparently I'm a candy cane!). As a children's librarian, I also think books are a wonderful way to introduce young children to the idea of diversity. Today, there are so many great books, including ones that show racially blended families (Vera Williams, More! More! More Said the Baby). Here are just a few diverse picture books : Brown Sugar Babies, Charles R. Smith; Please, Baby, Please, Spike Lee & Tonya Lewis Lee; Pretty Brown Face, Andrea & Brian Pinkney (available in board book). I know I saw a really long list either somewhere here or on PACT. And, of course, there are lots of great book with Hispanic/Latino characters and some (but not as many) with characters from the Middle east, so you can share your heritage, too. I do worry about the future, but for now all I can do is hope to introduce the idea of diversity in a positive way so that when he hears something negative -- and I'm sure it will come up -- he'll have that in his head and heart to combat the ignorant.
Advertisements
I, too, suggest informing your little boy sooner rather than later, because kids do pick up on things so much sooner than we wish.
If your son were to pick up on our society's "clues" (and they are about as subtle as a flashing neon sign!)that AA people/culture are looked down upon my many people before he became aware of his own connection to aa people, he might feel that the information about his ancestry is unwelcome. But if you are open and upbeat about it from the beginning, he will be able to see himself in a positive light.
Since mom is MIA, it seems unlikely you could get a recent photo to keep on hand, but if you know her name you might be able to get a yearbook or class photo if you know where she attended school. Even if it shows her at a young age, it will provide a natural way to introduce the subject, when he is old enough to ask about it.
Another thing to consider is that he may look more AA as he ages. I have 3 bio biracial kids and one of them is several shades darker than she was at age 2. Another one is paler than many CC, yet has the "most AA" features.
Our foster/adopt biracial toddler arrived at 14 months looking like a white boy, but only because he had never been outdoors! His peaches and cream complexion was replaced by "honey golden brown" --as dh calls it--once he learned to play outside once in a while!