Waiting is unfair

Oh, yeh, Katie... I think (not certain) but I think that most states have a temporary at risk placement. During this time, a baby is placed with the paparents with their knowledge that the pbparents could either a)not provide consent or b) change their mind about consent, and in either case, this is like a temporary foster situation, but the child is not really in foster care, he or she is with his or her paparents. Does this make sense?

Katieleigh, I have heard that some states require a baby to go into foster care first before being adopted. But, I really don't know. So many babies do go into foster care for a short time before being adopted. I am sure the care they receive in foster care would vary greatly depending on the foster parents. Seems to me that some foster parents do have babies on a regular basis and would be able to love and care for a baby well even if they know that it won't be there for long. So do not make a decision ahead of time based on whether your baby will spend any time in foster care. However, the bigger issue is whether you parent your baby or place it for adoption. Can you be a good mother to your baby? Do you really want to raise your child? If you do, then you owe it to yourself and your baby to explore all options before making the decision to place him for adoption. I feel that it is better if you make the decision after spending some time with your baby. If you know in your heart that you want to keep your baby, there are options that will allow you to keep him. PM me if you'd like and I will be happy to research some options for you. AwaitingBeloved is right too that when a mother is not certain that she wants to place her baby for adoption, it could be considered at "at-risk" adoption. I do not understand either why they'd say that it is too late either. Please remember too that StacyKelly is a potential adoptive parent and that could color her opinion about when a child should be placed for adoption. That is not said with any disrespect to her, but, I think you will find that more adoptive parents feel placing sooner rather than later is preferred. Birth mothers such as myself often few it is better to wait and give parenting a chance. The right thing to do is what is best for you and your baby. If you truly love this baby and want to parent, I hope that you explore all the options that would allow you to do so. Adoption should be considered only as a last resort. I understand that you feel trapped and without options - but, there are options, you just haven't found them yet. Trust your heart and find a way to keep your baby if that is what you really want and if you can dedicate yourself to becoming a good mom. You will most likely receive a great deal of advice from birth and adoptive moms. Listen and then follow your heart and mind. Many grandparents melt at the first sight of a grandchild ---- could yours?

Omg...Katie...nooooo..you're still here! Move OUT of the house!! You're in Texas..right? Dern..I wish you were closer. If you could get to NY...I will put you and your baby up. Isn't there anyone here in Texas who can help her??? Find a way..find a way..you CAN do this.

JMO (just my opinion) I think the original poster was maybe referring to parents who have lost custody to the state. I actually am a foster parent and feel very bad for the biological parents who have lost custody for what ever reason. Why do i feel sorry, because something must of tragically happened for them to do what ever they have done to there children. As for giving up a child, i have never had to do that and boy to i feel for those who have to make that decision. We would love to take a baby into our home that a parent has decided to place with us, however i would not ever feel comfortable with it if the biological parents were not at peace with thier decisions. I know everyone has there own opinion. I just thought i would add mine. Jody

Thanks for the responces- sorry for taking over this tread. I am still here, unfortunatly. Today has been one of those days where you kinda have to take a step back and reflect on it inorder to see what's really going on. When I wrote this post I was in the middle of lots of tears just from the fear of placing my baby, it took someone elses take on the situation to make it make sense.. Basically my social worker wants me to place the baby in foster care until I make a decision, because it has been such a battle for me. I'm scheduled to deliver in 2.5 weeks and she doesn't want me to regret my decision down the road. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason, and I think this may have been one of those things. My intentions today were to go in to make an adoption plan basically against my will to make my parents (and the babies father happy) but knowing deep down it wasn't the right thing to do. So maybe this is a sign telling me to take it easy and things will work themselves out, or maybe it's just telling me that adoption isn't the right thing for me. Thank you all so much for your support.

Katie, I would encourage you to avoid foster care and to find some way to keep the child with you while any decisions are made. Is there a safe place you can go? Friends/family who would be willing to help you get on your feet, whether or not you decide to parent or place? Gah, as Claud said, if you were closer to Ohio, we could have a few options for you. Do not let anyone pressure you to make any decision. Do not allow those who think decisions have to be made in their timeline force you into something that you are not sure about. By allowing others beliefs to dictate our lives we allow room for regret and self-doubt. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to discuss placement or parenting options further. *big hugs*

As the thread has twists in it I'm going to chuck another opinion. Although I prefer to see children in a stable home than some form of "care" on the other hand I do feel that mothers should be encouraged to keep their children. I wanted to keep my son, had a job and could have easily arranged suitable accomodation. However my parents were adament my son was to be adopted, my case worker continually lied to me and I didn't get any support from elsewhere. I lived to regret my decision so my advise to anybody considering adoption explore all your options first. I admire any mother who does this. Pip :flower:

Katie, I think it was Southern that said that many grandparents melt when they finally meet and hold their first grandchild and then they suddenly fight like heck to help... She's very right. I saw it in my own family (my parents were not pushing for any adoptions, but my sister is the only one who got pregnant AFTER the wedding..) so... it was hard on my super catholic folks, until the first out of wedlock baby was born! And they are the greatest grandparents ever. I'm hoping this may happen for you. And if you know in your heart that adoption isn't the way to go for you, you CAN find a way to make it work. I am sure it will be difficult... but I guess you have to decide which kind of difficulty or pain you can live with. Is it the kind where you make it work at the cost of anything for yourself--maybe have to be alone for a few years with your baby, you know? Or is it the kind of pain where you found yourself relinquishing your baby when you really didn't want to. I also agree with the other posters, to avoid foster care if you can. Please don't let your SW make this decision for you. It's your decision. And I hope I'm not pushy either, but the OP is right, foster care CAN be an ugly thing. There are tons of wonderful foster parents on here and the stories they share with the pain they and their kids have gone through really is heartbreaking. (I don't mean to put any pressure on you, and I'm sure I am, so I'm sorry, I really am). I don't think you should rush into this. Honestly, even if you parent for a year and say you know, I really CAN'T do this, even then you can place your child in an adoptive home, you can still pick the family and avoid foster care. KWIM? You really shouldn't feel rushed into making any decisions, especially when your heart is telling you to keep your baby. When I met dh I was facing some crossroads in my own life. And the best advice he ever gave me, without pressuring me, was to follow my heart. And he waited for me. And I'm so grateful he said that to me. Something so simple and obvious is not so clear when you're in a crisis situation. So listen to your heart and let it lead you.

I did want to clear up the idea that I really did post with the thoughts of the families that have had their babies removed through social services. If the decision isnt clear for a mom at birth as to the right decision, then there absolutely needs to be time taken. I just get frustrated with the back and forth of birth parents that really arent changing the bad behavior in their lives and it gets prolonged in the court systems. As far as foster care, I have had several parents that wanted to meet me and that helped so much I think with them feeling comfortable with how I am taking care of their babies. I send weekly pictures to visits and I dont care if certain parents call me. In our smaller county, DHS is very particlular about who they send the infants to, and I believe they are in the best homes possible. When I relinquished I was horrified when I found out my baby had spent over a month in foster care before he got to go to the adoptive home I chose, I thought they got him right away since I signed papers before he was born. But that was when I was going through it, now I realize better the system and how they were trying to protect the adoptive parents from me changing my mind. I think short term (under 6 months?) is just fine in most cases, its when the baby is with a family for the whole first year as the system not only allows but pretty much requires (when not a voluntary relinquishment) that it can be so hard for everyone involved. It breaks my heart to read the agony this decision creates, I hope your life turns out the best it can what-ever way it goes.

It seems sometimes posting on this forum can be extremely touchy..I was by no means trying to say a mom should quickly make her decision.I feel sorry for the children who sit in foster homes for years being passed from one foster home to the next.And let me make this also clear before this is also misunderstood.I am by no means trying to look at foster homes as being bad places..All I am saying and this is my opinion is I agree with the first person who posted on the forum.Sorry I did not want to go into detail on my hopeful adoption.However, the birth mom did sign off her rights..

Thanks for clearing that point up FosterMomCathie. I think it was this statement and the talk of befriending a young woman who may give her baby to the poster that set me off so to speak. You have seen adoption from many angles, huh? So, if my math is right, the child you relinquished is of legal age now in most states? Have you done anything to make finding you easier if he chooses to? Or will you ever consider searching? As a reunited birth mom who did not search, I now so wish that I had. Finally knowing my son has been a wonderful experience - I wish the same for you!

Sorry, I do admit that I can be a bit touchy when I see statements like that one of yours about "the sooner the better." Thanks for the explanation. And yes, adoption is a very emotionally charged subject for sure. For some of us adoption represents pain and loss - for others the opportunity to parent and joy - for adoptees - joy and pain depending on the person. Lastly, I agree that it isn't good for children to languish in foster homes for years because their parents can't seem to "get their acts together". You might find the thread about matching before birth interesting under Community Center - General Adoption Issues pertinent for you at this time. It was a pretty interesting thread - you might hate it too though! [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=226934[/url]

Southern, I have gone to the extent of putting my name out on the internet on search sites and I have filled out the Colorado vol. reg. Its hard not to put a full force effert into searching, I really have come to the decision that I made the choice to relinquish and I should give him the chance to come to the point in his life he wants to find me. I pray that he will someday want to and so I have done what I think should make it easier. He is still young at 22 maybe at a weird spot in his life, so I will try to hold out yet :) How has your search been going? C

Not searching at all! My son found me over four years ago. I was one of those typical "I don't deserve to search" "he will hate me", "I don't want to disturb his life" kinds of birth moms. Didn't register or do anything to make it easier for him to find me as I really didn't imagine that he'd ever want to. But, my son was nearly 32 when he found me. Knowing what I know now, I wish that I had searched for him years ago. Maybe he'd have been ready, maybe not. I do know that with younger adoptees - particularly as young as your son, reunions are sometimes harder. The late teens - early 20's are sometimes tricky for our children anyway. On the other hand, some of the best reunion relationships are those which began when the children were younger. My relationship with my son is good, but, I wish we had reconnected sooner - I have missed so much of his life. If I were in your position, I think I would consider searching with the thought that if your son isn't ready yet for reunion, you might still after to wait a while after you found him. That would be awfully hard too though, huh, to find him and then have to wait? Have you put a note or consent for contact in his adoption file? That's something else I did not know to do. Have you registered with I.S.R.R.? Timing is so crucial in reunions - sometimes both parties aren't ready at the same time. Getting to finally know my son has been so wonderful - it's been a challenge - but all our hard work has paid off.

Katieleigh ... I am so sorry that you are feeling pressured! I can only imagine how you must be feeling so close to delivery. I would definitely suggest that you do not rush into a decision that you are not comfortable with. There are alot of programs available to women who need temporary shelter .... look into your local Red Cross. At least this way you aren't making a decision because you think you are running out of time that you may later regret. If you do decide to formulate an adoption plan for your baby after you have had sufficient time to think about it - there are alot of profiles of hopeful parents on the internet. I can only imagine how excited a family would be to receive a phone call from you letting them know that you would like to talk to them about adoption. If you feel that adoption is NOT the route that you want to take and you are going to parent your baby ..... then you can do it! The bottom line - you have to do what is right for YOU .....and at your own pace. Please don't let the agency push you to place your baby in foster care if you don't want that! He is your baby and only you should make decisions on his behalf.I hope that this post finds you well - and - you know that you are not running out of time .... you take all of the time in the world that you need!Happy Holidays Katieleigh ...and please keep us posted! Jackie :flower: