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My name is Talia and I am 23 years old. I was adopted when I was 5 days old by a wonderful set of parents. I remember being told from a young age that I was adopted so it wasn't something that was hidden from me. When I was a senior in High School I met my birth mother and discovered that out of the 5 kids that she had given birth too, I was the only one to be put up for adoption. Sure there were certain circumstances to the situation, but it still left me feeling abandoned. I love my adoptive parents and they have been nothing but good to me, they are the only parents Ive ever had, but Id be lying if I said being the only one out of 5 kids to be adopted doesnt bother me. Lately I've been thinking about things that struggle with or feelings that I have and I'm wondering if they are a result of being adopted. I've just recently started researching what an impact being adopted can have and I still don'tknow too much. I do know though that I have a hard time letting myself get close to others, or I get attached way to easily. I have a fear of rejection and I am scared of losing people who are close to me. When I do feel that I am getting attached to someone who I truly care about, I treat them like crap to drive them away, then dont understand why they dont want to be with me. I also seem to hurt those people who are closes to me and question why the people who are my friends are friends with me. I feel like Ive never really felt apart of a group of friends or that even my friends i have im really different from them. I also experienced the loss of my father when I was 10 years old which might contribute to these characteristics as well. I was just wondering if someone had an advice on websites or books or even had some ideas of what kinds of affects an adoptee has because of adoption. Thank you so much for your help!!!!!!
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Thank you for sharing your story. I relate a lot with what you said. I was adopted and lost my adoptive father when I was 13 years old. I did not know at the time that It triggered my abandonment issues. It was a very difficult time of my life. My adoptive mother pass away in 2002.
I found out my bmother 12 years ago and she did not want anything to do with me. It has been very difficult for me since them especially on my birthday. This year I decided to deal with my adoption issue and went in therapy. I found out about the book " The Primal Wound" and have been reading since and also about this forum and it really helps to come in therme with my adoption. I also got " Coming Home to your self by Nancy Verrier. I just ordered two news books on line: Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish their Adoptive Parents knew and Twenty Life- Transforming choices Adoptees need to make by Sherrie Eldridge.
I don't like to give advice but rather share my experience. Like you I see the impact it has on me for being adopted and have a lot of feelings. I read somewhere to heal we need to feel and that is what I am doing. I own to myself. I want to be a whole person: I own to myself. So I can have the life that God has intend for me to have.
Hope I did help!
Vivi
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annelizly
I drove to the hospital today because my Amom was taken there by ambulance. I didn't know if she was going to make it or not but as I drove I realized that if she died I would basically be an orphan:) (adad passed 11 years ago)
I realized that although this is a moment most people go through, I seemed to think that it was harder for me being an adoptee.
I have met my bdad and his family and they are nice and we keep in touch but because there was no shared history I never quite felt like a "real" part of their family.
My bmom wants nothing to do with meeting me.
I don't know how I am going to handle it when she passes because I don't feel that amoms family will really be all that interested in keeping in contact once amom is gone. It will be like losing all my family at once.
does this make sense to anyone?
I am 32 and was adopted at just a few days old as well. My adopted parents loved me the best they could. Like you, I was the only child given up for adoption and it does hurt. It hurst A LOT!!!
I have so many mixed feelings. In fact I find myself searching for love all the time. My freshman year of college I started having same sex relationships with women in search of a love from a women. I thinks this was because although my adopted mother was good to me, emotionally, she just was not there. My feelings have always been rejection, lonliness, abandoned and I also find myself OVER LOVING!! I give so much of myself and return dont feel it's returned. My husband is clueless as to what I feel since he came from a near perfect family. I wish I could help you. What are your feelings?
annelizly
Now there is the rub! The honest truth is that after you reunite with bfamily you do feel as though you fit in somewhat. You are finally surrounded by people who look like you or have the same mannerisms and its great! But....you never quite fit in there fully either because you don't have shared history. I have found that although I am glad that I have reunited I have faced the fact that being adopted means that we will NEVER EVER have what everyone else has. The day we were given away was the day that it became irriversable.
Sorry if this disappoints some people but it makes sense if you think about it.
Yup...I would have taken this person/anyone to the debate gates of hell over the statement before family stopped comunicating. Its true as much as I want to believe people can move on without incident I can't believe it into being...
The day we were given away was the day that it became irriversable.
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My friend, I am of a different situation, but with similar feelings. I was adopted as well, and have never felt part of anything. In fact I don't like to join groups, organizations, or teams. I prefer to be alone and mask it by excelling in individual activities. I easily make friends but go to great lengths to push them away or keep them at bay. My relationships always end on my account with the other party left to wonder what happened?
Even though we both are adopted our wounds will heal differently, so you must find your own path. In the meantime, don't hang your head, accept yourself, and know that others won't understand your actions.
I feel that way too, that as an adoptee, I've never fully belonged in groups of people, and like to spend a lot of my free time in individual activities. That's my way of recharging. Yet, at the same time, I feel the need to belong to a group. My compromise is to work in an organization, so I'm in contact with people all day long, but then I keep my private self for home. From what I read, adoptees are split in so many ways. Does anyone else feel a split between a public and private self? I think this goes back to the conflict over intimacy that several adoptees have expressed on this thread.
Hello, im a geminni 2 lol
I think that your fellings have alot ot do with being adopted.
I was the only child adopted from a family of four and there is that somthing that makes you question things. I believe that being adopted can shape who you are to. I have always been accepted and other words i was popular at school. I have only had one job, and that of all thing is a liecenrd preshool teacher for the Y. ( i was in foster care to had 22 fostersister with one family)
I am going to school to be a police officer now.
I also wounder Y to the same ?. Does it shape who we are. Well after turning 18 i have adopted a new inspirational getter. THE SERENITY PRAIR. I always say it to my self when im confused, sad, mad, anggre and i try to live life.
??? DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WHERE ADOPTED???
beacause after you do i think you might have a different outlook on it.
HOPE THIS HELPS
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Hello Group,
My name is Colleen Ballerini and I am a member of your group. I am also an adoptive mother of a beautiful 5-year-old daughter from Guangzhou China and a handsome 10-year-old bio son. In addition, I am a graduate student at Cambridge College working towards my license in Mental Health Counseling. It is a requirement for all graduate students to research a topic that is near and dear to their hearts and I chose international adoption issues.
I am posting my survey regarding potential identity issues. I have often wondered if identity problems become present during the adoptees teenage years or even sooner or maybe, they are not present at all. This survey will be very helpful for past, present and future families in the adoption process.
The survey can be found at the following link (copy and past if necessary)
[url=http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=fC8cj_2bEaLuiHQ4D3u0BAwQ_3d_3d]International Adoption & Identity[/url]
When I am actively licensed, I would like to incorporate international adoption issues into my practice and this information would be quite helpful. Possibly, there is information out there that brings awareness to potential identity issues or will show that the potential is slim to none.
I so appreciate any assistance you can give me.
Sincerely,
Colleen Ballerini
call525@yahoo.com
Procedure: Research participants will be asked to answer questions from an online questionnaire. This questionnaire has been written by Colleen Ballerini. Participation will be anonymous as well as answers to the questions they provide. It will take approximately 10 minutes to complete the questionnaire. There may be a small risk of discomfort while answering the questionnaire and you are free to stop at anytime and withdraw your participation if any such feeling should arise and you feel the need to do so.
You responded to my posting, 01Rain, a while ago. Sorry it took so long to get back to you but I rarely come on here. Anyway, you sound just like me. The one piece of advice I can give you is to keep an open mind. Everything the adoption agency told my adoptive mother about me turned out to be false. I never cared to do the research on my adoption and am only half way through. But the reality is you never know why you were the one put up for adoption. And all though this doesn't take the pain away, it can leave a ray of hope allowing you to believe there was a positive reason. The more I find out the more my feet become grounded and I learn to discover my "real" self, mentally, physically, and emotionally. i can't believe I am writing these words because i never really cared to find out my history until an impulse decision.
Talia,
I am very new to all of this stuff as well. I am 28yrs old..have a great life, great friends, great adoptive family, great fiance etc....but I too struggle w/ so many issues. It really is hard to explain them all on here.
But I totally understand what you are going through when you say you get too close to people and are afraid to lose them. I really have never struggled with the fear of getting too close to people, as I know a lot of adoptee's have. Mine is similar to yours when you say that you are "afraid of losing people who are close to me"
I am always afraid that I will do something to piss my friends off so that they no longer want to be my friend. I am so worried that I will make my family upset with me and we won't be that close...even though that would never happen as they are sooo loving.
I just signed up to this site tonight, and have already read so many posts that sound like exactly what I am going through. I honestly think realizing that others are going through what you are, is one of the first steps to confronting all of your abandoment fears...I am hoping it works for me.
Girlsrule here it's cool while reading the book adult children of abusive parents helps me understand all aspects of emotional. physical, sexual and abondenment by Steven Farmer. There is a recovery section at about hth forth chapter that have tried about a half dozen times to get to continuosly reading the first for chapters not relating to anyof the story in the book, eventhough the book helped me to relat to some of the abuse that the people went through in the book pertaining to the abuse that I've put myself through and the accidents or rejections that I've been through. The book talks about the perfectionist, the invisible one, the caretaker, and the rebel the four character traits that are played out in both the unhealthy and the healthy. There are positive and negatives of all of these charecteristics that may or may not pertain. In the book there are storys about women and men that have taken them many years to adjust to the abuse and neglect. There is another book called trail of bread crumbs by Kim Sunee.
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I am an adoptive mom, and my daughter is also the fifth child and the only one placed. She is six, knows about her birthparents and half-siblings, but just their first names - we have never met because our daughter's birthmother does not want contact at this point.
If you don't mind my asking, was there something you could have heard that would have made you okay with the fact that you were the only one who was placed for adoption? There are a variety of extenuating circumstances in my daughter's situation that could explain why she was placed, and not the others, but we only have partial info about them, and I'd want to be sure of the accuracy of info we shared with our daughter.
Also, some of my daughter's older siblings are almost adults. Would they be able to initiate contact with us even if our daughter's birthmother was still unwilling? We'd love for our daughter to have any connection to her birthfamily that wasn't abstract.
leatherette
If you don't mind my asking, was there something you could have heard that would have made you okay with the fact that you were the only one who was placed for adoption?