Found?

Skuttlemom

I think the baby (now grown) given up for adoption is registered on a register but I emailed via a link with no push to meet but now my mind is having doubts as usual, about did I screw up, am I pushing for contact by saying, "email me in your own time", or giving her a neutral contact...was that stupid or what...

I personally believe that you get to be who you are in reunion.. I am a birthmom and am five years into reunion.. my bson found me on the net.. I did not want to push my bson.. I made sure I did not.. I also believe that reunion is about patience.. Holding on to yourself and staying out of the negative thinking.. Realizing that you can go slow with this.. Do you have any non identifying info? I ask this because when my bson did contact me via email I was able to type up the non identifying info about his aparents.. We knew we had a match.. When he first contacted me there were wrong names etc. My goodness you are in a difficult space.. I remember that space.. There are lots of birthmoms here who know of what you speak and what you are going through.. please stay with us.. Jackie

Thank you for your support. My b-daughter contacted me by email. We are taking it slow. I want her to have the power in this. I hope to get confirmation through the adoption agency in the next several weeks as I want to be sure. If she is not the child I gave up for adoption, she will be disappointed but at least not totally invested in our relationship had we proceeded without official word of our match. At least I know she is well and has a wonderful family. I was so worried about her well-being. That has given me a lot of peace. I am amazed at the number of adoptees who feel an emptiness or void. I am so sorry about that and hope they all find the closure on both sides of the issue. It is a different time now and so much support is out there that was not available in earlier decades. I was so alone and treated like an invisible person. I second guess the adoption and only hope one day people will see the harm that closed adoptions cause.

Skuttlemom

I was so worried about her well-being. That has given me a lot of peace. I am amazed at the number of adoptees who feel an emptiness or void. I am so sorry about that and hope they all find the closure on both sides of the issue. It is a different time now and so much support is out there that was not available in earlier decades. I was so alone and treated like an invisible person. I second guess the adoption and only hope one day people will see the harm that closed adoptions cause.

We were all separated off.. I thought no one wanted to hear about my son or what I was going through.. I wanted love and support and I never asked for it.. Never thought it was allowed.. I had to learn how to ask for it.. Knowing what happened was beyond important to me.. I am at peace now days.. I can get on with my life.. I like that.. Its nice that we can all reach out and discuss what happened.. here and on other place on the net.. I have forgotten the name of my bsons birthfather.. he wants me to call the agency to ask the name.. I am having a hard time building myself up emotionally to do this.. Jackie

Well, you must be farther along...I have dreaded that question. The b-dad denied yet signed the relinquishment. He told me after that he had to leave school early and he had to tell his mom he was "helping a friend out". Since he denied and I was so adamant...now that reunion is in sight, fear that maybe he was right??? Memory is failing me now about a period of one month. I just hate that he poisoned my mind with doubt. He was nowhere to be found yet showed up on my door step one night after I was already out of school and working to rebuild life. Guess what he wanted? I am really afraid she will ask the question and I will now be hesitant when I had been so sure back then. Don't know what the answer is to this one. I'm with you on the problem this brings up.

I met my bson a couple of times....The first time I sat in his living room and told him that I honestly do not know who his birthfather is.. I know who my boyfriend was (well not the name) and I know I had sex one night with my boss.. When I told the adoption agency I told them my boyfriends name.. He signed papers to relinquish the baby.. I forget the timelines.. I broke up with my boyfriend.. and I changed jobs.. Heck I got fired from one job and I ended up managing Santa Land.. this was 1964 in Boston.. I was 21. I was living there alone.. What chances I took. It was (ended up) a nightmare.. I ran in the winter time.. it was snowing and very cold and I put the film (pictures of kids with Santa) in the mail box.. They told me when I trained that I must not do this.. I have tried to remember.. but I was honest with my bson and I am glad I was.. He accepts what happened.. I know he does.. He calls me and we joke with each other now days..(five years into this). He is in sales and I told him about Santa Land.. the sales pitch.. Three for three fifty.. four for .. something or other.. He looks like the boyfriend.. but he also looks like the guy I was freelancing for.. (Santa Land did not pay well) I was an artist.. commercial artist and I was fired from my job because the woman I replaced came back from Europe.. Sooo.. I used to want to tell the story that I was raped.. because I did not want to sound like a tramp.. I realized after reading posts from adoptees that this was not the way to go.. Its like I take a pass from responsibly for my actions and he has to think of himself as a product of rape.. something that is not true.. I realized I had to take the hit.. be honest.. I was drinking at the Peppermint Lounge in Boston the nite I went out with the (married) guy that may be his father.... Jeez.. I think I finally understood that he is not going to judge me with the values of back then.. That was very freeing.. Yikes.. memories.. Jackie

I sure hope I can communicate to my birth daughter as well regarding that time period. You know when out in the world during that time, partying and living in the moment as we all do, it is too easy to get in trouble but not so easy to deal with the consequences. Seems back then the girl was held responsible in sex and the guy could too easily run the other way. Not all guys did that,yet I picked the ones that wanted no responsibility in life or relationships. Committment seemed impossible for those guys. Wild times indeed yet my daughter paid by having to go to non-blood parents who obviously loved her & cared deeply for her well being. I am so fortunate that is the case.

Skuttlemom

Seems back then the girl was held responsible in sex and the guy could too easily run the other way. Not all guys did that,yet I picked the ones that wanted no responsibility in life or relationships. Committment seemed impossible for those guys. Wild times indeed yet my daughter paid by having to go to non-blood parents who obviously loved her & cared deeply for her well being. I am so fortunate that is the case.

I am fortunate as well.. My bson is okay.. his kids are okay as well.. He has three kids and I have three grandbabies.. I send them gifts for birthdays and Christmas.. Its fun picking the gifts.. I do not shop for them.. and put myself through all kinds of negative emotions.. I just go to Amazon and point and click.. They live close to the main Amazon warehouse so its as easy as it can get.. They are almost at the reading books age.. and I cant wait to send them the books I loved as a kid.. How is it going with you..?? Has the agency answered you? Maybe you will give me the courage to go back into finding the name of my sons father.. (fear is the emotion I am feeling right now) Strange.. Jackie

No Agency confirmation yet. I just put the required form in the mail yesterday afternoon, so I don't think it will get to them until Friday. So, I wait, hopefully not too much longer. The fear is a hard thing to get through. I really don't care at this point in the process. I talked to some friends who said some pretty choice words about the guy when I told them my B-daughter had found me. They were happy for me but said "he" could go someplace "else"....ha. I have held off telling my family until the match is confirmed because they will have mixed reactions, some that I am ill prepared to deal with. It's the old, that is not spoken thing. I hope they will be supportive when the time comes but I'm not going to bank on it now. It's too soon to tell. At least my friends are open to the prospect of my reunion. Take care- I'm going to try and be gentle with the self until the waiting game is over. It's hard not to go back in time in the mind and beat myself up.

I am having some weird feelings about this reunion. My b-daughter has not told her a-mom about finding me and it seems she's worried about her a-mom's reaction. I have told her how grateful I am that she was in a family that loved & cared for her. Now I wonder....guess time will tell and maybe one day she can heal her relationship with her a-mom, regardless of whether or not she tells her about me. I have shared pictures over the past two days to show her what her b-mom looked like when she was born and one taken a few years ago. I haven't heard from her since a two hour long distance call to her Thursday night. She says she wants to have a relationship & be a friend. That's about all I can ask for from her. I wish for a picture of her so I can see how she's grown and "who" she most resembles. I know she's probably hesitant but I'm a pretty patient person concerning this matter so I wait.

Skuttlemom

I am having some weird feelings about this reunion. My b-daughter has not told her a-mom about finding me and it seems she's worried about her a-mom's reaction.

When I reunited I was lucky enough to have a correspondence going with a woman who was dealing with reunion on terms of an amom.. We both got to understand how difficult it was for both of us.. all of us.. I cannot fathom raising and loving and nurturing a child and then have to worry that the son or daughter (all grown up) may walk out the door and say.. I love them and I do not love you.. Or am angry with you.. Or any kind of scenario one can think of.. I swear that the best way to conduct a reunion is to see that each person stands in the other persons shoes.. And....look at the thing through current eyes..And I do not think we can enter into reunion needy.. none of us.. We got the rest of our lives to sort this.. That has always been my motto on terms of my reunion.. and my other motto is/was .. stay out of the negative thoughts.. I know personally a lot of my negative thoughts on terms of my bson and reunion were very far from the truth.. Jackie

Jackie, I too have reunited with my daughter, thankfully, her A-parents were my inlaws at one time. And they kept a scapebook of her life. They told her that she was adopted but she couldnt see me til she was 18.(they wanted to make sure she graduate from high school first) Last year, when she turned 17, I sent a birthday card, that kinda made it worst on her parents. (yes, I refer them as her parents) So they let me see her last year. We spent the month of August together. It wasn't as great as reunion as we both wanted. Im not sure if its because we are so much alike or she was just brought up as a "military brat" and expected more from me. However, things are looking up. She now wants to move in after she graduates. Im excited. I have a son also that I gave up. After this last reunion, Im kinda scared to have another. Know what I mean? But if he wants to meet me, Im more than willing to give all I can in another reunion.Jo

Well, looking back isn't an option because we can't change what was/is or hope for anything more than what we get, right? I am going out of town and hope to get a better perspective from others about this new relationship. Being needy ? Not sure that is healthy either, yet we are all in need of acceptance at some level and not letting my own stuff get in the way is very important. I am working with a professional and will just try to hang on and yes, keep a positive outlook. My God, just finding each other is a real miracle worth savoring for the rest of time.

JoEvans

I have a son also that I gave up. After this last reunion, Im kinda scared to have another. Know what I mean? But if he wants to meet me, Im more than willing to give all I can in another reunion.

Jo

Hello Jo.. I find reunion incredibly difficult.. I do not know if I could handle another reunion.. That must have been something your reunion with your daughter.. I hardly know my bson.. He has never moved in with me.. or spent time with me.. SkuttlemomŅWell, looking back isn't an option because we can't change what was/is or hope for anything more than what we get, right? Yes.. I think the problems start when we want more.. Expect more.. Reunion is such an interesting thing to read about and share on.. I am fascinated.. and have been hanging around here for a few years.. And yes.. its good we are not alone in this. Jackie

Hi, I lost my son in 1962 under the same circumstances as you did... no support from family or the bdad. When I located him, I sent a letter to CCS and they forwarded it to him. I didn't know if it would be my only chance to tell him why I was forced to relinquish him, so I told him a lot. I also told him who I was now, what my life is like. I basically poured my heart out. He called me three days later, and we met face to face 4 days later. I'm glad I wrote a heartfelt letter. It made all the difference for me.