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Hi, I gave my son up for adoption some years ago. At that time his adoptive parents suggested that I write a letter and include photos. I found that I just couldn't do it then. I was scared and I didn't know what to say to him. Years (and two children) later, I now know what to say. Since this was an open adoption, I knew his parents' names and general location. I have always known how to contact them or at least someone who could forward things on to them. Long story short, I contacted them and I have a chance to write that letter. They already have a complete medical history on me and I just updated it, so he will have a complete accounting on that. Also, I have read through this site and I have found it to be a wonderful resource for questions he might have. However I do have a couple specific questions that I hope I can get some help with. One is just general request for any input into what he may want to know. The other is a bit more touchy and concerns his father. I got pregnant after what would be considered a date rape. I knew them, yes them (2), and therein lays the other problem. I could have just said something about the father if I knew who it was without actually talking about the rape. I don't think he needs to know about that. It played no part in my decision. When I found out I was pregnant I chose not to abort. I wanted him. It wasn't until later in the pregnancy when I faced the tough decision. It came down to I couldn't raise him on love alone, and I couldn't offer him anything else. I was too young. Sorry about the tangent there, this is very emotional for me. I guess what I am asking, does anyone have any advice on how to handle the issues about his father in the letter. I can always leave that out totally, but I want to give him as much information as I possibly can without hurting him. I appreciate any advice I can get. I told his parents that I will send a package with the letter and pictures in a couple of weeks. Thank you so much for your time. M
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It's late - I just came across your letter, but will offer a quick reply. You didn't say how old your son is, and that does make a difference. At any rate though, I do not think in a first letter that it is necessary to mention the birth father. Certainly when your son is older, maybe even an adult, you could explain further.
Just tell your son briefly about your life, your hobbies, interests, your other children. Think 2-3 pages should be the maximum for a first letter. Keep it brief and then let him answer questions. I think it is a mistake to offer too much info too soon. If he does ask later about his birth dad, I certainly wouldn't lie about it, but until he's old enough, I would not feel it appropriate either to tell him the entire truth. I wonder how others have handled this type of situation? Maybe you could say that you did not know him well? True, right? Or you could put it off till he's older by saying that you are not comfortable talking about him initially?
It is a tricky situation. I am a gung ho advocate of the truth, but, I think the harder truths like rape need to be revealed only when a child is of age. Even then, I think it is crucial how one frames it. Any one else had to face this? While it is not real common, I would not say that it is that unusual either - I have heard of several women who relinquished who had been raped.
Most adoptees eventually want to know about the birth dad, but, maybe not right away.
Good luck and congrats on this wonderful opportunity!
I wish you the best.
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Thank you so much for your response. Sorry about the lack of certain details. I tried to put as much as I could in the post without it being truly identifying. I don't want him to come across this site and be able to identify the post. That is definately not the way to tell him anything. I can say that he is in his early teens. However, his parents will probably not give him the letter right now. They told me they would put it away and give it to him at the right time. So I don't know how old he will be when he gets the letter. Unless he contacts me later, and he will know all the ways he can do so, this is my one and only chance to give him any information. His aParents decided long ago that they needed the space to raise him and cut off contact. I do want to respect that. Given your thoughts on the amount of information he recieves at first, maybe I should send a couple of letters with the package. That way his parents can give him the first one and then any additional information/letters when he wants them. Anyone have thoughts on this? I cannot believe how incredibly confusing this all is for me. I can understand my emotional state, but I am also fighting with myself at times over what I am going to write his parents. I will be sending them a letter too, that goes with the package. I am afraid to ask too much, but I would love to have someway to communicate with them in the future, especially if my children wish to write him after they are told. It has always been my intention to tell them when they are old enough. I don't want them to be blindsided down the road if he decides he wants to meet us. Besides, I see no reason to hide him or my past decisions. Kind of got off track there. I seem to go off on tangents easily right now. I'm not sure if that answered your questions or not. Again, thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. M
Hello...I'm a bmother and just recently wrote to my bson's family after 14 years. Same as you, he has all my info. He has a picture of me when I was 17, but he wanted to know if I had a picture of his bdad. I didn't, so in the letter I wrote down what his bdad looked like and where he and his family came from (Ireland). And if he ever wanted any more info, I would be happy to help. In my letter, I didn't mention my other children. I thought I would save that for another time. And 2 weeks later I received some great photos of him. I hope this helped and good luck! Carmen
I'm a birth son, and met my bio mother after searching for her years ago, but I was a teenager, in my state you can be a teenager and search and I did (19). Anyways, wow, I was young, and age can make a difference on what to say. I had a lot of processing to do just understanding that my bio mother was married with three kids ahead of me, not to my bio father who was also married to someone else and had three kids, and 1/2 siblings, blended families, divorce and & and------- so, we all do grow up, but I appreciated the love, like at my birthday, a birthday wish, although in time I did concern myself with my bio mother, and balanced a relationship with my a mother and bio mother, strange to people as that may seem, but I appreciate sometimes simple messages of love.