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Hello, I am in need of some advice. I have 2 kids both adopted. Both came home with us directly from the hospital. Our oldest child has a great realtionship with her birthmom and for that matter so do we. We visit, email, and talk on the phone. Our youngest child has always seen this, a couple of months ago out of the blue she asked me why her birthmom doesn't like her. I was shocked, she is only 4. I told her her birthmom loved her and liked her and she wanted her to have a mom and a dad to take care of her. She was crying and wanting to know why she could not see her. We were suppose to be in an open adoption, but birthmom fell off the face of the earth. She has made A LOT of bad choices and continues to do so. Time went on and I started getting a bunch of junk emails from the biograndmother's email address. I replied to it several times asking where they were etc. No response. Well over the weekend I got some more of those emails and I replied to everyone that she had mailed them to explaining who I was and that I was looking for their phone number or address. I got a reply. I called the birthmom and laid it on the line and told her she will talk to ******, be positive, and reassure her that she loves her. My husband called her last night and ****** talked to her birthmom. Then my husband chatted with her, she is 23 parenting one child and 7 months pg. She got married, divorced 6 months later and now is marrying this babies father. They are all living in a two bedroom apt. with her mom. She doesn't work, has a 9th grade education and like I said before makes bad choices. So we hang up and I called my baby down and asked her if she enjoyed talking to ****** and she burst into tears. She can't understand why she can't live with her "parents" She wants to go to their house and see it. I explained to her that we are her parents and have been since she was born, they placed her b/c they love her and she can't go to their house b/c it is not safe for little girls. She continued to cry and talk about her birthmom. Bf lives in the same town with his mom, he has been in and out of jail and rehab. We are now in the position of debating whether or not we should seek counseling for her. My thought was if we try to address this now maybe it won't be so bad as she gets older. We are going to to TX where her birthmom lives this summer and I said we could see her if she wants to, but I don't know if that would make this worse? Has anyone else had a young child express these feelings? If so how did you handle it? Has anyone gone to a counelor to address adoption related issues? Sorry this is so long!!
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I'm like you. I wouldn't have expected such a drive to know about the birthmother/family this early. Especially since she's been yours forever really. I could see it if you hadn't taken her in until she was a year or two. I guess all you can do is keep the options open for a visit and follow her lead. Maybe you should look into an adoption counselor at a local agency and see if they can offer you any insight in how to deal with this before throwing her into the hands of therapy. Good luck!!
Janet
jheald
I'm like you. I wouldn't have expected such a drive to know about the birthmother/family this early.
Janet
I have heard of children that young expressing a desire to be in touch with their birth mom and I think it unwise to ignore it. And I think that you are wise to consider finding a good adoption therapist to talk to about this.
Don't second guess yourself for allowing the phone call, it was a reasonable think to do. You couldn't have anticipated the reaction that it caused. I do not think that you crossed any line.
I imagine that because your child seeing her sibling having contact, that may be the root of the problem. As sad as it is though, your two children have different realities as far as their birth families go. There's only so much that you can do about that. I think you just have to get that across to them, but make sure the child with less contact knows always that it has nothing to do with her lovability, but, her birth families' challenges.
Don't think it makes too much difference why she has this need - but, I think it should be addressed no matter why. As I said though, some adoptees do express a need to see their birth mothers at any early age and I doubt all have siblings with different circumstances.
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We are lucky that our childs birthmom has offered to "be the birth mom" for our second adoptoin if the birth mom chooses to not have as much contact. Not that she will ever be able to replace our 2nd childs birthmom, she is just showing the child that all people are different, and some birthmoms care very much for their children and some, for what ever reason, can't be as close, even though they still love their child. Is that an option for you? Could the birthmom with whom you have contact also include your 2nd child?
We are lucky that our childs birthmom has offered to "be the birth mom" for our second adoptoin if the birth mom chooses to not have as much contact
Our oldest daughter's birthmom and her family have always included our youngest. They came to see her as a newborn, always send her birthday and x-mas gifts. I have just as many pictures of our oldest with her birthmom as I do the youngest with her. I truely appreciate that her and her family have opened their hearts to our youngest. I just don't think as time goes on it is going to be enough for her. I am SO ANGRY with her birthmom, and I have to force myself not to say anything negative about her, because I truely feel no matter how hard it is going to be my daughter has to figure out that her birthmom is not the kind of person she will want in her life, it is not for me to tell her this. Thank you to all of you who replied, things have calmed down recently she has not mentioned her birthfamily at all so I am at this point going to see what happens. I still plan on forcing the birthmom to see us this summer.