Bonding with Children Post-Placement

You OK Jenna? Sorry, can't help, no kids here.

(((Jenna))) Hang in there. It is really, really hard those first months. I can't imagine adding in the emotions brought up by having placed too. Thinking good thoughts for you. If I can do anything to help, please let me. Erin

I'm just HIGHLY overwhelmed lately. And today was my first day back to work. Nicholas will smile and laugh and coo at his Daddy. With me, it's all business. I find myself just staring instead of engaging in silly conversations. I know I should be talking but I can't figure out what to say. I can't figure out how he is my child. I can't figure anything out.To reiterate: I'm really overwhelmed.

Ugh, that first day back to work is awful. I HATED it. Fortunately, I only work part-time so I wasn't gone every day. Have you had any time just for yourself (and NO, I don't mean going to work :) )? Really, without Josh, without Nicholas? It took me weeks and weeks to feel in control of anything, let alone to know that I was bonding with Natalie the whole time and I wasn't recuperating from birth. I still sometimes feel things are out of control- probably the main reason why we're not rushing into adopting #2, even though we will eventually. Don't worry so much about whether you are talking silly talk with Nicholas or just holding him and staring. I did a lot of staring at Natalie when she was new. Tim was the "goofy guy". A lot of the feelings I think you are having are typical of being a new mom. It isn't just you :) I can't give you the perspective of being a birthmom mixed up in it. But just know that you aren't alone in those feelings. Also, post partum depression doesn't always appear right after birth, it can take a few weeks to become noticeable. Please, please, please promise me that if you feel like you can't shake this, you will talk to your doctor... ((((more hugs)))) :grouphug: :grouphug:

First off Jenna, the idea of having to go back to work so soon after having a baby is completely foreign and overwhelming to me. I cant imagine having to face it, and I am so sorry you are. I can only fathom, but is it possible that you are holding back a bit because of knowing that you have to leave him all day, all week to work? The fear of facing those feelings of having to hand your baby over to another care taker might be connected, in some psychological way, to you having to leave your daughter? And as such you are protecting your heart and mind? Those first 3 months or so with a newborn are INTENSE, and the first 6 weeks are absolutely brutal. You are JUST recovering from birth, and just getting to know each other. And please, know that PPD (and not even full PPD) can affect your feelings of bonding. Be aware, and seek out help if you need it! Praying for you! Jen

Ditto what others have said. Those first couple of months as a new mom you find yourself just trying to do everything "right". Your body is out of wack, hormones are crazy, and you have this little person who depends on you for everything. It can be very overwhelming. I parented twins 15 years after placing my son. I was so upset with myself because I couldn't get them to smile at me. They were just happy to check out the ceiling fan while I fed them. I worried constantly about who I had picked up first last time. Who got changed first last time, etc. I was plagued with nitemares about someone taking them away which didn't help my state of mind much either. What worked for me was constant snuggling and holding them. Breathing in that sweet baby smell and reminding myself that "yes, this is real.......and yes these babies are mine forever". I talked about how I felt with people I was close to and tried to be kinder to myself. All of my fears and feelings were so normal as a new mommy. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better soon.

Hi, those first fews months sure are tough and I too had nightmares about my baby dying and I would constantly wake to go check on her. WE got a monitor which helped me sleep as I knew if it beeped it would wake me up. What I did to help me bond was to hold her and let her go to sleep in my arms - I know everyone says that you should put them in their beds and make them go to sleep by themselves. BUT I stuggled with so many emotions and depression about the loss of my first child AFTER the birth of my second child. AND now going on six years later I know that the reason why we are so close is because I held her and looked at her as much as possible. If she wakes scared in the nite I still go sleep with her and hug her close. It's precious time for us to cuddle and often we talk about stuff. I often lie by her after reading a book at bedtime and we cuddle and chat. I too work and I know that when I get home I have to drop everything and it's her time. I do what she wants until bedtime. The cleaning etc gets put to one side or if it has to be done she helps me. My only advice is to Just hold that baby close as much as you can. No matter what you will be his mommy! No caregiver will ever take your place. BTW it is hard to leave them and go to work but other generations suffered worse separations and survived. Unfortunately it's just part of our lives. I also know that it's not good for my child to grow up in poverty so hang in there and be kind to yourself! banjo

Thanks for the stories so far. Yes, I am over tired.Jen, thankfully, at first, I am not working full-time. though, I'm annoyed with our company that they jumped at the chance to list me as part-time so now I have no 401k through work and it feels like I'm working towards nothing. See, more negativity and overwhelming-ness.There are moments when everything is okay. But, I don't know. I realized the other day, when Nicholas and Joshua were having a blast on the floor, that I am jealous of their relationship, of how easy it is for Josh. I feel as though I have to work super hard to even feel remotely connected... and Josh is just 'there.' I feel like a failure as a Mom because of this.As someone else said, I keep having nightmares that a) Nicholas dies of some horrid disease, b) I leave Nicholas somewhere (mall/etc) or c) someone steals Nicholas. I'm paranoid about the door being locked anymore. I had all of these visions about how wonderful a mother I was going to be. And so far, I suck! Gah. I have to go get ready for work. I'm off tomorrow with the Kid (since Josh works) but it will be an awful, hideous day because he is getting his two month shots. :(

It could very well be that Nicholas is taking his cues from you. As weird as it might make you feel, start talking to him. It does not have to be baby talk. Look at as a way of getting to know someone who speaks another language. Ask him questions, respond to those small things he gives you. Try to get him to laugh. Babies can readily pick-up on stress in their parents. Try to make the time you have together calm time. Put on quiet music, do baby massage. And the most important thing.... do not worry about the state of your house. When you die, what would you rather your kids say about you... "She was a great housekeeper." or "She always made time for us."?

Hi Jenna, Almost 3 years after my bdaughter was placed, my daughter Amy was born. My bdaughters adoption was closed and WHAM mommyhood and crazy feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember feeling like I was not good enough to take care of this beautiful little girl although I loved her like mad. It was a rocky road. I also had the nightmares about Amy dying or someone taking her from me. I never put her down in public and the only people to watch her (I was in college) were her father and my grandmother. To make things more stressful, Amy was not a cuddly baby. She did not like to much holding or rocking unless she was sick and prefered playing with her things and taking in the world on her own. It takes time to understand each other as mother and child because what we envision is not always what happens. I can assure you that it all works out. Amy is now 19 and we are very close. She and I have a good friendship as well as mother/daughter relationship and I feel very blessed to have raised this strong willed, independent young woman. There have been two more children since Amy (big time cuddlers) and I bonded with each of them in a different way. There is no magic solution, only you and Nicholas will know what is right for you. Hang in there! You are a great mom and I know you will be fine! Kitti

Jenna, I am sure you are a great mum! I think everyone feel a bit like a failure throughout the years. I think those dreams and fears - that i would say 90% of women have are probably there to help us bond by staying close to that baby. Our kept children should bond quicker with our adopted children because they are both "innocent" parties in the decision. It just is how it is. If I could turn back the clock I would but I can't. So hang in there, forget cleaning and every other annoying worry and get on with cuddling and snuggling and talking to Nicholas.

Jenna, Several have suggested that whatever else you do, you make time to try to bond and cuddle a lot with baby Nicholas. I think it is advice to take to heart. If you can explain to your husband that you need to be lax for awhile with household stuff, that might make it easier. Also, have you been evaluated to make sure that you do not have any treatable medical issues that would cause your feelings? Not saying you do, just that it is important to rule that out. When my second son was born, I held him more than moms usually do and would barely set him down. I bonded with him possibly excessively. In addition, I knew he'd probably be my last child and that factored into the picture too. But there was more time in between my two sons and I think that had alot to do with the way I handled my second son. It made it easier (plus I blocked everything about my first son totally out). I have heard many moms express that a subsequent child brings up so much from the time of losing the first one. Plus having an open adoption - your issues are nearly inescapable, right? Could you be afraid to bond with him? Feel that it would be disloyal to Munchin? Just feeling overwhelmed in general having to go back to work has to factor into the situation too. How hard is going back to work? Are you feeling guilt for that? Just some points to think about. I feel for you and hope that you can find ways to work this out soon. I know that you can and will be sending good thoughts in your direction. It's crappy though wanting to enjoy your little guy - knowing how lucky you are - and having the past clinging maybe to thwart you? It will pass Jenna, and you'll both get through this and flourish. There are many resources, etc. to help you through this.

As others have said - having a baby is a stress all its own; returning to work is yet another; and having placed a child for adoption yet another. Add the three together and you've got LOTS of stressors!Post-Patrnum depression is very real and should nto be underestimated. it is a real as clinical depression. Both are phsyiological and bare no shame and both have help available. Our current acting Governor's wife suffered from PPD and is a big proponent - with TB ads encouraging people to seek help. Brooke Shields has also been very public about her bout with PPD as have other actresses etc. it is nothign to be ashamed of and very understandable under the circumstances.Please don't hesitate to seek professional help - to talk and/or for medication.While I had no problems with initial bonding - I breastfed and did not have to go back work and was able to stay home. But the fears of "loosing" another...of being "punished"...of not deserving...and mostly of not being FIT... remianed for many, many years. I know of other birthmoms, who like me, became known as "super moms" -- I never left my kids out of my sight! backpacked them everywhere! I don't know about your situation, but my relinquishment was in the 60's when we were told over and over that we were not fit to parent our children as single mothers and to give them to someone more "deserving." Those messages get internalized and are not easily erased or written over. When I brought my first son home formt he hpsital i bearly had a nervous breakdown when it came time to change his first diaper. i was trembling and crying and really loosing it. I called my nieghbor who had five kids, She did me the biggest favor anyone ever could. She just stood there and kept saying: "You can do it!" He had been circumsized in the hospital and I was scared to death I'd hirt him! She assured me I wouldn't and said that if the diaper was too losse, and even if it fell off he'd never know! I thank her so for not doing ti FOR mme, as I had asked her, but giving me the confidence. She said: "You ar ehis mother. It will be fine!"