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The discussion on the general adoption board about which is "easier" to parent, newborns or toddlers, got me thinking; in addition, yesterday while out with babes at storytime, a woman inquired incredulously, after B threw a big dramatic 13 month old tantrum in the stroller while we were talking, "how often does he do THAT?" (BTW, he was happy and laughing one moment; the next, in the stroller, he began lifting the back forward (by sitting forward) and throwing it backward with all of his big strength, banging his head on the side. I told him no and attempted some creative redirection. After trying to address possible physical needs/wants, wanting to be held, hunger, wanting on the ground to crawl, none of which was the issue, we had to leave. Some mothers of some 13 month olds know exactly what I am talking about. This woman clearly had never had this experience. She seemed utterly shocked, unsure. Her question was not so much one of huh, my kid would never do that but rather one of uh, wow, is that normal?
So it dawned on me. What is "hard" to one mom is not necessarily "hard" to another. What is normal for me, may not be normal for you. What frustrates one mom and leaves her gobsmacked may not phase another. When you are a new mother, even if you have been around many kids, you often use only your own daily experience to compare to and use that experience as it changes and your child ages. You spend time with other parents, watch their interactions and get to know their kids and realize more than ever that what is defined as "hard" is purely subjective.
That woman who inquired incredulously had a child younger than B. The child was running, busy and seemingly very physically active, into things and did not want to be told no or redirected, as most toddlers do not, but in those moments I witnessed, was quite redirectable with minimal effort and well dare I say, easy, according to me. It seems that the woman who may have a physically busy child all day everyday seemed unsure about a really strong willed quick tempered head banging child, one who puts the whole body into the tantrum, which does not phase me in the least. I have friends with super busy and physically daring kids, and I cannot imagine it. Some of those same friends (and a few acquaintances) state that their children have never had a fall down, hysterical, back arching, beside themselves, head banging tantrum. I know their kids and I believe it.
So, what makes your parenting your toddler challenging or easy? What made parenting your newborn challenging or easy?
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My current challenge with Liam, who is 3 1/2 is the strongwilled determination NOT to do something when asked!!
If told to pick up a toy and put it away before we can move on to another activity (which he wants to do) I get a defiant look, hands on hips attitude with "I will NOT" coming from his mouth :eek:
My first thought is "Oh you think SO little boy....."
If I try to reason with him ( We can't do X until you do Y) it's 50/50 if he will either A) do it quite willingly or B) throw himself on the floor and have a fit.
If B) then I tell him that we won't be doing X and I walk away.
The fit will continue for a moment ( I'm sure to make sure I'm not coming back) and then, tearfully, sadly and slightly pathetic looking he will pick up the toy, put it away and come say "Sorry Mama, I won't do it again"
:grr: :grr: :grr:
Why does there have to be soooo much drama just to get to the same end point????????
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Cool thread,
This has been driving me nust for a few months now. Addy has tons of really cool age appropriate toys - a whole toy bin full. I sit on the floor, we play with blocks, we play music. we do fun physical games BUT if there is a telephone, an iPod or a playstation within eyeshot, these toys mean NOTHING.
I have kids up to age 14 so we have lots of stuff including a computer in the family room. These things hold more fascination for her than I can draw her attention away from. When my other kids were little we didn't have these distractions so it was never an issue - this is all new to me...... and it stinks!!!!
Martha
WOW, what a great question?
For me, it's the stuff that I can't 'fix.' Even on my daughter's worse day, I KNOW that she'll be okay in the end. But with all the stuff my son has lived through and the challenges he faces every day, it's hard. J has real monsters and hurts in his past that I can't take away. No parent likes to see their child hurt, and when your child is dealing with depression and anxiety and PTSD, you really just want to make it all go away for them, KWIM?
In our world right now, my son's tantrums mean nothing to me...his loud, ear piercing shrieks totally fall deaf on my ears. To others, however, it is a shear annoyance and shock that a noise that loud could come out of a body so small. I know in time, it will pass, just like the sleepless nights and all infant related issues. He is officially a toddler! Lol.
A challenge for me and my DH and immediate family is DS's speech delay. He is going to be 2 next week and has a vocabulary similar to that of a 1 yo..if that. But he understands EVERYTHING...fortunately. We have had the birth to three program here to evaluate him and he score significantly higher than his age group in all areas except expressive communication. So he is getting in home therapy once a week. What has helped us is sign language and he has picked it up so fast! He even uses multiple signs together like, "more, please" and then "thank you" or help, please". I am happy that he has manners even if they are through his signs! Lol. When we are out in public alot of people will comment on how adorable he is, etc...and if he signs something to me they ALWAYS ask if he is deaf or mute. I answer no and then I have to get the lecture about how signs will not let him talk and so on. Ugh!!!!! Sometimes I think hermits have it the right way!!!
--Renee
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I think two things make my daughter really easy. First, she respects boundaries. Unlike me at that age, she has never gotten into cupboards that she wasn't supposed, she never climbed out of her crib, escaped out of the house, ate things that weren't edible...that sort of thing.
The other thing is that she is very very adaptive. I've watched other mothers work really hard to make sure that their child isn't upset by a sudden change of plans or routine. My SIL did it so much that I thought that's the way all children were, and was surprised when DD wasn't disturbed by a different route or change of plans.
The biggest challenge for me is the limits of my own patience. When DD doesn't nap or won't stop yammering and eat her dinner or won't stop jumping up and down while I'm trying to have a conversation with her father--some days these just drive me nuts.
The fact that I have such an easy child and still lose my cool makes me wonder what I would do with a child that was difficult.
I admit openly that I had two easy babes. Ate heartily, slept through the night before 3 months and both were extremely happy and flexible; I could take them anywhere anytime. They had a routine but not a schedule.
While B is much busier physically than his sister was: I still have that part way easy. She never put a single thing in her mouth; he only likes to examine lint but does not eat it anymore. She was a very late walker; he is not walking at 13 months. I cannot imagine what it is like to have an 8/10/12 month old walker or runner. Neither ever opened cabinets, examined the toilet with their hands, threw much (beside his throwing food off high chair tray). Neither to date has been a climber of the daring sort, like getting up on the dining table like some of my friends' children (boys & girls). Most people who know us, some well and many socially, always comment how easy my kids are.
But. . . both are strong willed and quick tempered. Both were/are head bangers. B does it when he does not get his way. DD did it in response to her inability to be flexible. Both get mad at the drop of a hat (though her's were easier to anticipate) and got very worked up very quickly. Neither was very redirectable (B way more than DD). Like you Renee, tantrums don't phase me much, and they certainly did not get reenforcement for it. Tantrums were not regular but way way intense and long with dd but have been, thus far, pretty short with ds. Full body, arching, screaming and thrashing along with lots of head banging seems par for the course. Clearly just a part of their nature. Few of the people who know us well who think they are so easy have gotten the pleasure of a full blown one hour tantrum.
Oh, and B has been gagging himself until he vomits. Again, no response from me. A stern no after several times was it. He is not constipated. He laughs and apparently thinks it is quite funny! Ugh!
I have a very spirited 4 year old who has been with me since he was two. The "terrible twos" had NOTHING on 3 and 4. Toileting has been an ungoing issue for well over a year. My biggest challenges right now are fake crying (wailing) whenever things don't go his way...and his temper. Chicken noodle soup and fish thrown across the kitchen are not my idea of fun. He can be the sweetest pea....and then suddenly food is flying because he didn't get his way. I am a special education teacher currently teaching preschool, but he has me stumped sometimes! I have been using 1-2-3 Magic with him. Things have improved...the tantrums aren't quite as frequent, but they are very intense and I am exhausted. I have the additional challenge of being a single mom! I love my child and I have no regrets, but I've been driven to tears a lot lately!
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For me, drawing and enforcing boundaries with the Nanas, Grammys, Aunties and friends who want to spoil our sweet boy rotten. He obeys very well when it is just daddy and I, but throw a doting aunt or grandma in the mix and all of the sudden our dear son thinks he has the POWER!!! The power to say "No" to us, the power to cry or whiiiine to get his way (while tossing grandma a pitiful look), the power to choose his own food (candy!)...so, I have to limit these visits and continue to remind all of these loving people that I am the Mommy and what I say goes. :cool: