Question!!

hi, it is possible to have visits and have it work out for everyone. there are many people doing this. Here's a link to some good information about open adoptions and how to make them work, how to talk to children about adoption and about other siblings. [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/siblings.html[/url] [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/talking.html[/url] [url]http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/open.html[/url] you might also check out "the open adoption experience" by L. molina. good luck, Lisa

Thank You, I've read it and something in my gut tells me that it doesn't always (if at all) works out this way. I still have some concerns.

Manni, First, this is really a question that this child's bmom answers. In her absence, the best response is "Because your bmom wasn't able (ready) to parent any child when she was pregnant with you. So she found parents who were." Especially when young, I find the KISS rule works well. Keep it Super Simple. Remember too, the bigger deal you make out of it, the bigger deal they're going to think it is. Really, though, it's not a question for you to answer. If you're concerned about her remaining in contact post-placement, then ask her to write a letter to this child that gives them her answers. This can either be something that you use to answer questions with or something you can hold until they ask and can read themselves. As for visits, honestly they're just like any other family visits. Because we have more financial means than they do, we travel to their states once a year to visit (bmom is in UT, bdad is in Texas). In fact, Ryan's bmom (we hope) is planning on meeting us at Disneyland this year. Again, we keep it simple. She is his Bema, he is his Beda (his names for them), he talks on the phone now to them just like his grandparents and such. He thinks about them the same way as his grandparents, aunts and cousins. It helps that we all get along well and genuinely like each other. As his bgrandma once said "You're just relatives we hadn't met before." Many paparents feel pressure to 'match' or connect and 'make it work' in a situation because they fear there will be no other baby, that 'this is it' and that they don't have the 'right' or would be 'crazy' to walk away. It's not only not true, it's a recipe for disaster down the road. Imagine if we applied that same standard to, say, marriage. Ultimately, if this concern is causing you to think this may not be a connection for you, then walk away from it and allow her to find paparents who don't have the same concern. These agreements are for life, and believe me anything that makes you really uncomfortable now will only become bigger with time. Just some thoughts. Regina

[font=Verdana]Thanks,[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Now, when you said to explain to the child how the bmom couldn't care for [font=Verdana]any [/font]child, I'm confused. This pbmom HAS a child already. My question is HOW do you explain? [/font][font=Verdana]A child the bmom has after the adoption I can see ( she's hopefully, in a much better place to parent) but a child before? Not to judge, but how do you explain this to a child one kept the other adopted out? Also, I think youre right if I have concerns, my husband and I should reconsider.[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font]

I'm a second born adoptee and I had contact with my bfamily growing up. I never onced wondered or asked why he got to stay and I didn't...of course, every child is different. The daughter I placed is a second born adoptee and we have a very open adoption. She will be 10 next month, and has never asked either of us why. Of course, we've always talked about why...so that may be why she's never asked.

Interesting! You never once questioned "why him/her and not me?" when seeing your bfamily? Also, with your daughter she NEVER asked ( and pardon me if I am getting too personal) "if you visit all the time, why didn't you raise me?". Again, forgive me if I am asking too personal a question, I'm VERY curious. Thanks

Manni, I responded to these same questions you sent me in email - I won't repost here :) I didn't want others to think I was ignorning you! But to answer the question - No, I never asked her why she parented one and placed me - and my daughter has never asked that either. Neither of us ever had a reason to ask, we've always known our story.

i think the key here is communication. as brandy has said, if they know their story, the need to question doesn't necessarily come into play. I think adolescence can be the most difficult time for questions, also at the birth of a child( when adoptee gives birth). But if you have access to your birthfamily who can answer this question, you'll feel more comfortable. plus I think it's partly temperment of the child. some folks think that the glass is half empty, others think it's half full. depends on your child, you and your husband and bfamily.

We are in a relationship like this, our birthmom has three girls older than our son, and we visit with them frequently. In fact, we were all concerned about how they would react etc knowing eachother but kids are remarkably resilient and they also don't have all the prejudice that we as adults have in experiencing our lives. Her oldest daughter who is almost six will say, he is my brother but you are his mommy. But as they get older who knows what will happen. We all have made the commitment to have an open relationship partly for that reason. When my son has a question that only she can ask, he can pick up the phone or ask her when he sees her. Rather than having that question go unanswered for years. Our situation is even more unique because our birthmom had another baby (a boy) this fall and though she originally had asked us to adopt him also, she ultimately decided to raise him. She we know that in the future that will raise a lot of questions, why didn't she want to raise our son? Only she can answer that and I am glad that we have an open adoption so that she can answer when that question arises. Hope that helps and I didn't ramble too much, we've all got colds here so I've got a healthy dose of cold medicine in my this am !!! :) take care and good luck with what ever you decide ! gina.

We are in an open relationship with DD's first family, which includes her first mom and two older sisters. We have lots of pictures of the three of them together, the three girls with their bio mom, and the three girls with us. It's not awkward at all, just like being with more family to us. For us, the best answer will eventually be, when she can understand this of course... "K was not in the right circumstances in her life to be able to be the best Mommy to three girls. So she chose us to be your Mommy and Daddy." We have a letter from K stating why she chose adoption and why she chose us, but our hopes are that, now and in the future, K will be a stable part of our lives enough that if Bug has a question, she can ask her herself. I'm afraid that with any adoption, there is this possibility. Most parents who place their first do go forward to have another at sometime in their lives... circumstances change. In our situation, K made the decision that she could not offer what she felt was needed at this stage in her life. It's hard to take but it's reality... and we hope that as Bug grows up she will always know her story and understand that her First Mother did what she thought was best at the time. Best of luck to your family whatever you decide...

My daughter's Mother has had four children and #2 was adopted by her great aunt, # 3 was adopted by us and #1 & 4 she decided to parent. We have an open adoption with almost daily phone calls, pictures, letters, and visits, while #2's adoption is more secretive. The eldest daughter told the little girl who her "real mother" was and the child has been tramatized by this. The second child rarely sees the others unsupervised by her Mom and when she does she is constantly asking questions about why she didn't live with them at 6 yrs old and can she come over. It is really sad.