Getting support of Birthmom

This is a really good question. I'm on an email list for adoptive breastfeeding. It seems that many have just waited to start until after the papers were signed and/or they were back home with the baby. I've pretty much thought that we will wait until we get back home (it's a cross country situation)...but I'm not sure. The pbmom we are working with is very direct and up front about things (she asked me straight out about circumcision!) So in our case I think I will probably just talk to her about it. She's mentioned breastfeeding before in regards to the children she parents. But we didn't get into any detail about it. I just know she told one of them that it's how babies are fed. And she knows that I breastfed my biological children. You said case worker. Is this a foster/adopt situation? Maybe talk with your social worker about it. I know when we were doing our homestudy I talked with ours about it. But they have 4 adopted children themselves and she breastfed one of them. So she was a great source of support and information.

Oh, see, I misunderstood, I thought you were asking about the bmother breastfeeding before signing the reliquishments. I'd absolutely encourage that because it benefits both the mother and the child. Indeed, there used to be a bmother on these boards who actually pumped and froze her breastmilk for the aparents to give after placement because she believed so strongly in the benefits of breast feeding. As for you breast feeding, I agree with Christine above. I think you should wait until after the papers are signed before bfeeding.

Hehe... sorry for any confusion. We are working through an agency, but it is just a straight adoption. The caseworkers work with the birthmoms to consule them and show them their options. The caseworker is also our liason with the birthmom. And to head questions off at the pass, with our agency when a birthmom caseworker contacts us we are the chosen parents unless the birthmom later chooses to parent herself (until she relinquishes her rights).My intention was that I would be breastfeeding (using a supplementer).I also realize that the time in the hospital/right after birth is the birthmom's time with the baby. I don't even know if she will want us there or anything (like I said in my original post, we haven't met her yet :)). What I was intending to ask was how would you go about opening the subject with the birthmom? I don't want to fight against assumptions ("Oh, you're adopting so naturally you'd have to bottle feed.") which is what I think would happen unless the birthmom knows what we'd like if she were open to it. Basically, if the birthmom is okay with me breastfeeding and willing to let me do it right away, I'd love the opportunity. But, she has to know my wish. If I don't tell her I'm guessing she'd just assume we're going to bottle feed. So, my question would be "how do I go about letting her know/finding out if she were open to it?" (clear as mud, probably. :D )

I think I'd wait awhile til you get to know each other a little bit and then I would approach it in a general way first. Discuss how you feel breastfeeding is important and that you hope to be able to do that with the child. Also ask her right out how she would feel about you breastfeeding, and go from there. I would not suggest breastfeeding at all until the relinquishment occurs. Not at the hospital at all. Until the expectant mom re-makes her decision to place the baby with you, it's not an option to consider, imo. Simply because it's not your child yet. Until the decision is made, you are basically a "friend of the expectant mom". You hope to be more than that obviously, but in terms of legalities, is what I mean. I would not want a "friend" of mine nursing my child, kwim? Especially if I decided to parent.

I can see it working out one of two ways. The first is if you were going to stick by whatever the birthmother decided about the breastfeeding (of course trying to educate her on the benefits of it) or if you were very open from the start saying, "This is something we feel strongly about and if you don't agree this match isn't going to work." Anything else would start down a path that I wouldn't feel proud of. If you wait until after the baby is born to tell her and then find out that she is totally against it but you do it anyway I think that could be very hurtful to the birthmother and would really start the relationship on the wrong foot. Edit to add: Since it looks like this isn't a deal breaker for you I'd go with the first option. Wait until after the birth and just tell her your thoughts and see what she thinks. But of course make it clear that you are open to whatever she wants.

I'm a b-mom and in process of doing 2nd adoption with same parents of son. The first time with son a-mom told me she was going to breastfeed, it grossed me out to think of my baby on another women's breast but I realized that once the papers where signed it was her child and honestly if she gave birth herself this is what she would be doing so it wouldn't be fare for me to say no. I just simply told her you can do it just don't talk to me about it. And I would have been furious if she had of taken my time away from me in the hospital to nurse. All we get is 48 hours even if b-mom agrees to it before hand don't nurse baby during her time she needs that time for closure. Now for this second adoption after knowing a-parents for 3 1/2 years I am finally comfortable talking with a-mom about nursing this baby. I know she is pumping already and I am going to pump for at least 3 months after delivary to ship her my milk in case she needs to supplement. So even with all of us on the same page of making sure baby number 2 has breastmilk I still want my 48 hours without her nursing. Hope that didn't sound rude but I'm just saying how I feel as b-mom.

Hi, I'm an adoptive mom to two young babies...We were fortunate enought to adopt two babies 8 months apart. I breastfeed both of them, and was very anxious about the same question you are posting before we got our first baby. I believe it depends on the birthmom. My first child's birthmom had no idea that I planned on breastfeeding, and actually had no problem with it when someone spilled the beans. (We didn't bring Trevor home till he was 3 months old and he had no problems learning how to nurse. So don't worry about those two days in the hospital if you decide to bring baby home before you try to nurse!) My daughters birthmom knew from the get go that I was going to nurse her and she had no problem with it. I don't think that this is usual though. My idea is that you don't ask the birthmom when to start solids or when to put shoes on the baby, so in the long run, why should you ask if you can breastfeed. I don't mean to put off birthmoms, but they are putting their birthchild in your hands to make 18 years worth of decisions and guidance. So really this is just a small part of their lives that you are deciding apon. Breastfeed YOUR baby (that's who's baby it is in the end) and enjoy every minute of it. I know I do! Warmly, Kim

I breastfed my daughter about 5 hours after her birth. Her birth mom and family knew and supported my nursing the baby. I always tried to be very considerate of her and her feelings...like leaving the room (I nursed in a storage closet!) and always at times that were convenient and wouldn't take away from her time with the baby...meals, or when she sent the baby to the nursery etc. They would talk to me about when I was returning to nurse the baby and would bottle feed her in the mean time. While this worked out wonderfully for us and it was a great bonding experience for my daughter and I, my one hind-sight counsel would be that since it IS a bonding experience, it could be very painful if the mother changes her mind. Something to think about when making your decision. Otherwise, nursing my daughter was a huge blessing. PS...those few moments in the storage closet were particularly special because I could be "mommy" there in private and call her my baby and tell her I am her mommy...things I wouldn't have said in front of her birth mom and family. I could freely express my love for her verbally and kiss her, pet her, love on her in a way I simply wasn't comfortable doing in front of her mother for fear of hurting her...and I LOVE this young lady so much, I would NEVER want to do anything to cause her pain. I treasure those private Mommy moments. :flower:

I"m an a-mom and did not tell our son's b-mom about BFing. In order to nurse at the hospital i would have to get her permission in writing with the disclaimer that she knows I wasn't tested for diseases. Two months prior to birth, as we were duscussing how we each we like the birthplan to go (went completely the other way), I asked if she would breastfeed so he could get colostrum. She said she'd think about it, but then added that she did not breastfeeed her older daughter. From that I gathered that BFing was NOT an important fact of life for her. So right there,I figured I wouldn't discuss it with her. Also, I didn't want to rub it in her face that I am BFing her child. Also didn't want to intrude on her time with him. She also changed her mind and couldn't sign consents at the last minute. She changed her mind back the next day, but can you imagine how much more painful it would have been that day if I had BFed? I worried about latch but using simple techiniques, he was able to do a correct latch in two days.