Any strange behaviors during visits?

I have not noticed any strange behaviors. But I just wanted to ask, how do you feel about correcting your child in from of the birth family? I have felt like they are judging how I handle the situation. It just feels like there are prying eyes upon us sometimes.

Paul HATES to go visit with T. He becomes very withdrawn and grumpy. In his case, I think that he dislikes the prison, not T. However, he told me in NO uncertain terms that he" Will not go see her again and thats FINAL!" Elijah has only been to see her once. I am still torn about prison visits.... I might just start a thread and ask everyones advice.

I feel that everything we say or do is being noticed and judged...of course. Sometimes we will get a strange look or whatever but usually no comments are made. I tend to be much more easy on the rules when she is visiting her birhfamily. I want them to have a good time together and I know how my daughter reacts if she is told no...or reprimanded for some reason...she just completely looses it and starts crying and turns it into this huge thing. So too often I just let some behaviors slide. Partly because I know these visits are confusing for her...and she has so many emotions she is dealing with....I understand that some of the "baby" behavior is just a secure self comforting way to communicate that doesn't take as much effort and she gets lots of attention from it. It's crazy because this little girl who talks my head off all day every day...turns into this googoogaaga...baby around them. They are lucky if she says one word or very lucky if she says a few sentences. I think that is part of the reason that maybe they can't understand that she does express questions and feelings to me....but when I tell them about what she is thinking they just assume those are my thoughts and that "I'm making her feel that way". She really is such a smart beautiful young lady....but they don't get to see what she is really capable of. Another example my little girl LOVES ballet/tap and gymnastics she will do everything the class does and even gets her little self moving her body and checking herself out in the mirror(you know like this cute little sexy body wiggle she does). But when her bmom came to see her all she did was stand there the entire class with her mouth hanging open like she was shocked/suprised/confused and not really knowing what to think so she was like FROZEN not moving or doing anything.

It's been my experience that children always act differently around company. I've heard of adoptive parents linking the different behavior to the birth family specifically, but in general it's not directly related to them, but instead to the fact that there is someone outside the immediate family around. Kids tend to get clingier, rowdier or more of a handful when others are around. I would encourage you to observe your child's behavior and compare it to times when it is just immediate family. Compare strangers with extended family, friends and then compare group sizes. Generally the larger the group the more "off" the child will be acting. I think most people find that it isn't an issue related to the birth family but instead one that is typical of how normal children behave in different situations.

Ah, from the other perspective: Sometimes it's a little akward to have visits with my daughter and her adoptive family. Sometimes it just depends on the hormones of Amom and/or myself, the situation we are in, what happened that day or just how our emotional states are when we do get together! Most of the time we're like family, but sometimes it's a little forced. We just make a decision not to judge one another. We respect and love one another no matter our mood and we end up having a lot of fun together with our daughter.

I would like to state, having worked with institutionalized children. I would not count the behaviors described as the normal roudiness and shyness children show around adults. These behaviors are far more serious than hiding behind the adults she's comfortable with. Take her to a Mental Healthcare worker who's experienced in dealing with young children. Being she's come through the Fostercare system, there may be something there no one has picked up on yet. Even if its nothing, it wouldn't hurt to just make sure the little darling is okay. And correct her right away. Don't let the bmom disrupt her routine by making it "okay" to do things when she's around. This will only cause more problems down the road. The adoption is finalized. There is nothing she can say about how you discipline your dd. And no one can get offended at a timeout for biting or hitting. Just remember, one minute per year of age.

Your daughter is learning that less is expected of her during these visits. Or it's possible she regressing solely for comfort, who knows. Either way, I wouldn't change the rules, or change your expectations of her. Any confused feelings about these visits may be compounded by your acting differently with her, letting her get away with things. I know you want her to enjoy visiting, but doesn't she enjoy herself during all of the other days that the rules apply? Maybe she could relax more if she knew that things are consistant. My other thought, change the nature of the visits. Don't make them only about HER and her activities, but rather have visits in which she is just another member of the family. I know that's hard, after all she's who her birth mother wants to see. But if you all go out to lunch, or go to the park where there are more kids around, it takes the spotlight off of her, and she may not feel the need to act differently if she's not on show. I think it's possible to be understanding if she's regressing for comfort and still have rules in place. Maintaining rules doesn't mean we can't be compassionate. Don't know if any of this helped or was simply babble. Good luck :)

After rereading your short list in your first post, is it possible your daughter is really pist off? Have you ever asked her if she's angry? It's ok for her to be angry and to say she's angry, but not ok to show it physically. You said she shares her feelings, has she shared this?

Thank you for all of your advice and comments. My daughter does act differently in groups. She does act differently with strangers or people we only see frequently. She has a very shy personality and always has. Her behavior is different in relation to her birthfamily because of all the emotions and things that have happened during these last 3 years of her life. She knows her relationship is different with them....than anyone else. She has felt their sadness, anger and love. She has seen how everything has affected all of us along the way and and the mixed feelings we all feel. She responds to our feelings at times and also to her own. She will tell me what she is feeling, but when we get on the phone with her bmom or see her in person she will not share with her her feelings. She does share her feelings in some letters/e-mails(which of course her bmom doesn't believe that those are really her words...she thinks they are mine). My daughter has been hurt. She has felt rejected. She sees her sister living with her bmom and doesn't understand how she couldn't take care of her...but can take care of her sister instead. She tells me that her sister needs to come to our home to be adopted too, because her bmom can't take care of her either. I know some of her behaviors are normal for her age and typical of her being very shy. But they are also deep rooted in her mixed feelings she has and her trying to understand and make sense of everything. I will not pretend that her relationship with her bfamily should be like that of any other family or friends. They have a relationship that is very special...and also very difficult filled with a deeper love and a deeper loss. Than that of an aunt...a cousin..a grandparent...a friend...etc. To not recognize that special connection and the mixed feelings associated with it I think I would be doing her a great injustice. That being said....I know I need to find ways help her deal with all this....without allowing her to regress or act like a baby. I want her to build a positive relationship with them. Where she can feel free to share her feelings and find better ways to express herself and get attention.

It's wonderful that she shares her feelings with you, truly wonderful. Does she, at such a young age, have to share them with anyone else? Has she said she wants to tell her birthmom things and asked for your help to do that? I imagine given the rejection she feels due to not being raised by her birthmother coupled with the fact that whenever she does share something in wiriting it's rejected as your words makes it extremely hard to share anything else. My kid is bashful too. That's part of the reason for my suggestion about making the visits more about all of you getting together rather than it being about only her being seen, like with ballet. But that doesn't mean I'm suggesting that you treat their relationship as less special, it is quite special. All of you sitting together sharing ice cream, for example, around a table talking about your days, sharing a stories doesn't make it less special. Acknowledging the love and the great loss makes it very clear to your daughter that you do recognize these relationships are special. Recommending that the rules not change doesn't mean that her relationship is less special. Kids like things to be predictable, they are able to relax if they know the rules. There are other things you can do to differenciate the visits if that's what you're trying to do by not enforcing rules as much, what about building traditions that you only do with birthfamily... places, activities, a special park, certain holiday events like always going to same parade together. Is it possible that you have certain expectations of how their relationship should be, of how it should look? You said, "I will not pretend that her relationship with her bfamily should be like that of any other family or friends." What does that mean? I don't recall saying you should pretend anything, or that any other poster said that either. Again, I know it's special, just like I know my own child's to birthfamily is very special, but I can't decide what it should look like or how they should act together. (I can decide to correct misbehaviors.) Do you give your daughter the opportunity to invite her birthmother to something like ballet, or does her birthmother come at your invitation? Maybe this would make a difference, if she could decide which of these activities she wants to include her birthmother in. A friend suggested to me that I use role playing with my kid for the very bashful behaviors, and to help my kid figure out how to relate to other kids taking toys etc. Maybe this would help you too. It's not easy I'm sure to see your daughter struggle and try to find her way. She's dealing with many heavy duty emotions and it's great that she has her mom to help her through.

My purpose in starting this thread was because.... I've heard on many other threads how the birthfamily is treated as just part of the family. That a child should act no differently with them than they do with any other family members. That may be the case with infant adoption(until the child is old enough to really understand the significance of the birthmother's role. But in my family, brought together through fostercare our relationships are not just that simple (no matter how much I long for that close and comfortable of a relationship) this is a family who(because of their own choices)were not able to have their child remain in their care and only signed their rights away because if they didn't their other child would also be taken away from them. I only wanted to see if others had noticed any problems or behaviours as well when it came to contact even with children who were adopted as infants. I do appreciate everyones comments and advice.

My kids are older and remember living with bp's. We've had them almost five years now. They are normally VERY loud and rambunctious (sp?) around people, friends or strangers, but around their birthfamilies they are very shy (insecure, I think). They cling to me, hide behind me when someone asks them for a hug, don't really interact unless I coax them to. It is much different than when they are in other social settings with us. I think there's a big difference between adopting older kids than it is with infants as far as open adoption is concerned. Then there are the after effects. We see a lot of aggression at home afterwards. There is baby talk again, clinginess, wanting to be held and carried around (the kids are 7 and 9 and are HEAVY!). My kids have been in therapy and express their feelings openly with both me and the therapist. The kids have expressed their desire to stop visits, after the visit, but then when it comes time to have the six months visit, they're ready for them again. I'm torn whether to cut the visits down to once a year or to continue them twice a year. I've also thought of maybe every 9 months or so instead of six. Adoptive parenting is so hard!

If I remember you did post this question on another forum as well, maybe I'm thinking of something else. But as a mom in an open adoption I replied to a post on an open adoption forum. Maybe you would get more of the sort of answer/audience you seek if this was posted in the foster parent forum as well (which you might have already done), and if the post were prefaced by needing to hear from other parents with kids placed at older ages. Again, good luck.