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Ok I cant find the attachment boards anymore but wanted to run this past some of you wise types :rolleyes:
Enter son #1. Age 11, home for 6 and a half years. No behavior issues, minor emotional ones but no biggies. Homeschooled last year and a half of school. No apparent signs of attachment issues generally. Some insecure behaviors, but easily addressable. Nothing I am worried about usually ...
Anyways, for the last several months G has been "clingy" at bedtime. Wanting tons of interaction when I put him to bed -- that usually involves wrestling. He wants to wrestle with me -- and if I win I get a good night kiss. :) Its a fun time - his FAVORITE time of the day. Its tough because he is getting big and strong, but I almost always win, get my kiss ;) and then say goodnight. Sometimes he grabs at me as I am trying to leave and wants "cuddles" but, he wont make eye contact with me then. Wants me to stay, but its "different" than with my healthily attached bio boys.
Now last night, after I scratched his back and tried to leave .... he followed me out of the room, down the hall and tackled me wanting to wrestle more. Now this is all in good fun, we are both laughing - attitude is good. I keep sending him to bed, he keeps wanting to "wrestle" so I sit on the couch and he comes and plops himself on my lap. I have always considered this "attachment seeking" behaviors and am fine with it. So he is sitting cradled on my lap (remember he put himself there) but I notice again a huge avoidance of eye contact. He wants to be "near" but cant connect. Anyways we ended up in an arm wrestling (with me winning of course) and I (jokingly) said "Tell me whose THE mommy and I will let you go". Now up to this point - everything is goofy, funny, giggles lots of fun.
And then ... we got into an attachment struggle. There was no way in hell he would concede, and at that point, for whatever reason, I got the definite vibe that I shouldn't (couldnt) let him win. So I didnt. Eventually (as in 20 minutes later) he gave in - but that entire time he wouldnt make eye contact, and when he finally did, he was MAD. I dont necessarily feel good about what happened, but I also know that for whatever reason he is still constantly checking to see if I am stronger/bigger than him. Is this a safety thing that others have seen in kids at this age? Is his growing self making him feel insecure about growing up? Is this attachment related and I have been kidding myself for the last 6 years???
What's going on here? Attachment? Age? Puberty?
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Glad things are back to normal. Just a thought for the future-did you ask him what was up? Think I might point out what I saw and ask him if there was something bothering him. While hormones was my first thought it also bugs me a bit that that particular question created so much anger. He may or may not be able to tell you.
Just a thought.
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Lucy ... yeah I know. I think its something on top of the hormones ... but maybe not as serious as I had convinced myself of last night. This afternoon he is back to good eye contact, hugs, normal kiddo stuff. IF something is bothering him though, its usually way worse at night with him. Always has been that way -- too busy to think about stuff during the day maybe?
Jen
It may be nothing major-tough to tell with kids. What's major to them is often not a big deal to us. Sometimes, I just make an observation to let them know I'm paying attention. Sometimes, they'll come back to me with a question or concern, other times nothing and they just get back to their old selves.
And it's very easy as the fabulous moms we are to overanalyze everything as we want to make sure we've met all our kids needs. Sometimes, kids are just crabby.
He did get outwrestled by a girl.
In the further chapters of "Jen's Life With Pre-Teen Boys" tonight was another weird one, but in a good way....
So first off, daddy took him out for some boy time working on motorcycles. Happy, Happy boy.
I, in a fit of old time PTSD desperation, bought a bag of caramel candies ;) to share with son. We made a deal - no more wrestling at bedtime, but instead he gets a candy. Happy, happy boy (and oh so relieved mom).
And the good part -- as I was walking down the hall I said "I love you" and he said "I LOVE YOU TOO". Ok so not a big deal to the rest of the world but a HUGE Deal in our house. He NEVER says it - to anyone 'cause its NOT cool. And he said it - to ME - voluntarily :)
Anyways, yes I think he is going through "something". Yes, I think it can trigger some attachment feelings of some sort. And Yes, I think puberty is messing with his brain.
Shockingly, I just realized that when he turns 19, my youngest will be turning 13. I will have many, many years of this ahead :)
Yes, teenage boys can be melodramatic and have mood swings. My honorary little bro will be 18 soon :eek: and still has his share of drama.
Has he been in any type of counseling? Perhaps that or some type of mentor program (someone who is there just for him outside of family) like big brothers (do they have that in Canada)?
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Has he been in any type of counseling? Perhaps that or some type of mentor program (someone who is there just for him outside of family) like big brothers (do they have that in Canada)?
Hello,
We adopted a girl last year who is now 6 years old. She goes to kindergarten and her behavior was good most of the time in the beginning. Within the past two months she refuses to listen to us when she is outside our home. For example she came home with a bump in her head twice from school and informed us she hit herself in the head when she was standing on the bus. Our bio son and some other children says she stands up on the bus. We talked and explained to her she needs to sit down and she promises she will. Yet the next day she will stand up again. She tells us she sits down on the bus until our son gets home later and she admits she was standing up again. We have taken away her toys, given her time outs and no TV and still this does not work. Lately she has been telling us she stands up because she wants to. This has been going on for two months and she knows there will be consequences for her actions. Also she has been picking her nose and sticking it to the wall. There are other examples for these two are the main ones. She was progressing well until two months ago and lately it has been one issue after another. We are getting frustrated since we feel we are taking time away from our other children and our work life is stressful to begin with. In addition if she cannot listen to simple instructions, does not learn from her mistakes and refuses to listen what will happen when she becomes older. Any advice will be appreciated.
Sincerely.
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mrp...
is there an anniversary date going on right now or anything like that? Something to trigger a regression? Sometimes when birthdays, holidays, adoption days etc. occur, behaviors can escalate.
For the bus, my suggestion would be to have her sit directly behind the bus driver (talk to the driver about it)for a week where she can be watched.
Alot of times, especially at this age, taking away home privileges for things that happen elsewhere doesn't connect with the kids. And if she doesn't care about the things you've taken so far, is there something else that really motivates her or she cares about that would matter? My dd isn't a "things" kid, so taking stuff away from her doesn't do any good. However, time with me or dad matters, as does having chores she really hates.
Course...this might not be the popular opinion...but you have talked and explained the bus rules to her and she is choosing to disregard. So to me, I might consider leaving it alone entirely and leave it up to the bus driver to enforce. If she bumps her head again, I might say "oh, sorry you didn't follow the rules..bummer!" and just leave it at that. If it is a control issue for her (and to me it sounds like it), if she's not "making" you spend time on her, then she just might stop, because it's not getting the reaction she wants.
The boogers...she's old enough to clean her messes up. So make sure she's cleaning not just where she sticks them but a few other walls too. lol! One of my sons was a nose picker and he got booger casserole one night for dinner. (not really...but he believed me);) She could also wear mittens or gloves to help her stop.
Sounds like some control issues going on....so to me, consistency is best as is not letting her push your buttons. A lot of times my dd did these stupid little things just to see what my reaction would be and trying to control that.
Hello, Thank you for the replies. We had some other issues in the past but they were resolved after privaleges were taken away. Some of the other issues were waking up at night and going to watch TV all night. Throwing up her food for what we think is attention. We have compromised by giving her food she likes. We were thinking about letting the bus issue go yet we are worried what will be next. In the past she would respond after being grounded or things being taken away, but we see she is getting more stubborn and refusing to listen several months now. The bus driver put her next to him and she still got up to talk to her friends. We notice some friends she used to play with no longer want to play with her and our neighbor who had her over for a play day noticed her behavior changed to more bossiness and insisting she knows how to use things she never used or saw. Will this pass or something new will come up when she realizes she is no longer getting attention on the bus issue. We have decided to see a specialist and understand the specialist will probably teach us how to manage her better. But we are concerned about the future. If she cannot listen now when she is 6 years old how would she listen as she gets older and how would she survive in our society. Also we have 3 other kids we have had no issues with and want our attention and we need to think about.
Can I ask how long she's been with you? And how long was she in the birth/foster home?
My kids have been with us for 4.5 years....and we'll still have things that pop up behavior-wise. Sometimes it's a period of time and sometimes it might just be a couple of days or a week. It's those periods of longer times that can be extremely frustrating.
I might be wrong, but with the control, bossiness, and pushing others away, it sounds like she might have some attachment issues. If she can do things to push everyone away, then it's a safe zone for her...she's in control, and doesn't have to worry about being loved. Lots of times it is the people who loved them that did the most damage so they have to re-learn these things.
What kind of specialist are you taking her to?
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11 yrs old for our son was the age when DH and I thought "Who are you and what have you done with our son?" I also wondered whether what we were going through was just normal adolescence issues, or if it was at all compounded or complicated by adoption issues. Frankly, I think the adoption issues are mostly mine. Meaning, that I tend to worry about whether things are adoption-related, when in reality it's just a boy growing up and going through that whole push/pull of family love, figuring out how to relate to his parents when sometimes he feels like a cranky bear hunting for prey and sometimes he feels like a cub who wants to cuddle with mommy. And we've certainly had our battles of will. Boys start getting difficult at 11. For us, 11, 13, and 16 were the difficult years. I'm not sure how you feel about him (heck, I'm not a sign-on-the-dotted-line person myself) but I did find Dr. Dobson's "Bringing Up Boys" to be pretty helpful when I got to this "What is going on??" stage. His advice about getting through adolescence was good for me, and the opposite of what you might guess. He makes the point that the physiological effects of the hormonal changes just makes things difficult for them and for you. But you can't "fix" puberty. You can't think there's something wrong you have to overcome or that every mood swing or irrational behavior is something to discipline or try to control. Mostly, just keep them safe and secure and maintain reasonable boundaries, teach them how to maintain kindness, respect and love by demonstrating it daily, and just get through it with them. If you make a battle out of everything you will just be very tired and so will they. And it does eventually pass and some real maturity and a grown boy will surface after it does. I do recommend it. I didn't really read the whole book, but that part on puberty and adolescence was really helpful.