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We have had an open adption for 2 years now. During that time our daughters birthmother has exhibited some behavior that kind of worries us. Here it goes: 1. During basic training for the Army she went AWOL. Came home and got into quite a bit of trouble of course! Luckly the Army took her back and she finished and is now stationed overseas. 2. We found out that she got in a physical fight with another girl over the fact that this girl told her she was a loser for giving her daughter up for adoption. She got repremanded again by the Army. 3. Now for the best one. We got a call recently from our daughters birthgrandmother stating that the birthmother had gotten an annonymous email stating that the birthfather was going to take us to court to get our daughter back. The birthmom was to forward this email to us and to her mom so that we could research it and talk to our lawyers if need be. Well, then I go t a call from the birthmom stating that she had "accidently" deleted the email and that the Army's computer gurus could not get it back. She could not even tell me what the email really stated. She said "Well, it kind of said that he was going to get his birthdaughter back." She really could not remember... In addition her mother (our daughters birthgrandmother) stated that the birthmother was so upset by this email that she was ready to go AWOL again and just come home. I jsut don't know how to feel about all of this right now. I really think that she made up the whole email story jsut to see how far she could go with it, or becasue she is having thoughts of trying to get her birthdaughter back... What do you all think?? Plesae be totally open and tell me how you think I should procede from here.
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Kristine -
Well lets face things one item at a time --
First off, your daughters first mother is somewhat unstable. But that is also probably one of the reasons WHY you have your daughter in the first place. Her birth family's reality right now is that bmom is probably not making the best decisions. So ... is this your problem? No. Do you need to be cautious? Sure! Maybe not believe everything she says, or begin to lay a foundation (as your daughter ages) to see that sometimes her birthmom makes choices that you dont agree with but that she still loves her etc.
What you ARENT going to get from me is permission to close the adoption. :) I dont know if thats what you are looking for, but boundaries are not the same as closing. Her choices (going AWOL for example) may not be choices you respect, but they dont hurt your daughter. They dont threaten her security, her safety and really shouldnt have much bearing on your relationship with her. Therefore, really, they are none of your business.
Threats to take your daughter should OF COURSE be firmly and quickly addressed, but everything else is outside your sphere of influence.
Jen
I remember your post awhile back about the email and it hits home for me. My daughter's Mother brings alot of drama with her and recently had me spend the afternoon with the police looking for her. She had told me to come get her for the 3rd or 4th time (always canceled at the last minute every other time) b/c her boyfriend was hitting her. I drove and hour and a half alone to go to their trailor and she would not answer her door, I was worried she was hurt. She was not, they were gone together and eventually answered my calls but refused to come back. I have not spoken to her since. I sent her a letter to both her boyfriend's and her Mother's home. I explained we are here for her when she needs us but she can no longer bring the boyfriend with her to my home. I further explained her erratic behavior over the past few weeks led me to believe she was using Meth again and we still love her very much regardless of her sobriety. I miss her terribly and it has only been a couple of weeks. We are used to talking almost everyday. My first priority is our child, her Mother knows this. I will always protect her the best I can from the drama. I can not imagine our lives without her so we will continue to be very clear with her what we expect. I will not again get involved in the drama. She is always welcome here, sober. My only advice is be honest with her. Enjoy the good times and wait for the bad to pass. Keep her in your thoughts. Don't believe anything until there is proof. Some folks seem to live for the drama and even make it up if they can't find it.