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This is a "hot topic" in my life right now. My husband's 96 year old grandmother has been in an "Independent Living" community for 5 years now. She recently had some medical issues which (because of space issues, money issues, etc.) will mean she has to go into Skilled Nursing even though physically she could be in Assisted Living. The facility just doesn't have the space and, quite frankly, I feel they are writing her off because of her age. She is in better shape at 96 than the 70 & 80 year olds in the Skilled Nursing facility she is temporarily being housed in. She most certainly does NOT belong there.I told my FIL on Saturday that I think she should come live with hubby and I. Basically, gram just needs help getting from the bed to her wheelchair, chair to toilet, bathing, etc. To me, none of that is particularly daunting. I have a strong enough medical background that even if she deteriorates and needs more advanced care, (IV, catheter or NG maintainence, etc.) I can provide it.I feel VERY good about all of this, so does hubby. FIL I think was shocked that I was willing to do this, but pleased - he doesn't want his mom in a nursing home any more than I do.So I mentioned this to a few friends. Here are some quotes of the responses I received:"She is an in-law, you don't owe her that kind of care.""Are you nuts????????""Why would you do THAT?""At her age she belongs in a nursing home.""She's not really your family.""Let your husband's family deal with this. You'll be the one giving all the care, not him.":(I love gram. She and I have been very close right from the first time we met. We just sort of clicked. I never think of her as "my husband's grandmother" or as "an in-law." She is MY gram! I'm not going to let her wither away in a nursing home. She'll be dead in a year.That is not an acceptable option.So, what do you think? Would you be willing to take this responsibility on? How would you respond to some of those comments? And more generally - what do you feel is your responsibility to the "older generation" in your family? Have you given any thought to how your family will care for the senior members?
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Heartened. What great questions you pose! First of all, I would like to commend you for wanting to take in Grams instead of putting her in a nursing home. I have always said that they die in less than a year once they enter a nursing home. I am all in favor of keeping a loved one at home with a family member, but not all family members are like you and want to take that on. As for your 'friends' who said some downright RUDE and INSENSITIVE remarks to you about this, I don't know what to say. Every comment that you wrote down is offensive to me, and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have a kind reply to any of them... Good luck with Grams. I would be willing to take on this responsibility, so you are NOT NUTS!!! Tammi
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Aw, it is so hard to see our loved ones become elderly and need extra help. What a wonderful person you are to want to take care of your husband's grandma. And it sounds that you know full well what is and could be involved so you are going into this knowledgeably and knowing full well how difficult it could be.
In my own case my aparents were elderly - one with Alzheimers and the other with dementia and physical illness. I felt very bad but I knew there was no way I could take care of them myself. (Many nights of guilt trips keeping me awake.) It does take a special person to give of themself so unselfishly. I found the best assisted living home I could and checked on them often. Sadly, my amom had a stroke and needed to go to a nursing home. Because of my own physical limitations and health issues I could not lift her so there was no other option. It broke my heart.
I agree the comments that you have received are very rude. Some people just don't understand and never will no matter what we say to them.
I wish you much luck and many prayers.
Snuffie
Thanks for the words of encouragement Tammi & Snuffie. I needed to hear that so much.Snuffie, I hear you about the alzheimers & dementia - if Gram showed was suffering from either, I'd have to admit (sadly but honestly) that caring for her was beyond my capabilities. I used to deal with seniors suffering from various forms of dementia and OBS - I found myself thankful my time with them was limited. I've known people who have nursed relatives at home with such conditions, and I honestly have no idea how they manage. I'd not hesitate to find appropriate care for family with those health issues - I could not BE the "appropriate care," however. Until now, we've been really happy with the community she lives in. What ticks me off is that she is supposed to have a guarenteed spot in the assisted living community (next stage of care and the one she actually needs). I honestly believe they're pulling this "no space" garbage because they've writing her off due to age. Easier (and more financially lucrative) to shove her off into the skilled nursing. See, because she's been an independent living resident for so long, she gets over $1000 off per month for assisted living fees. I think they don't want to lose that money.Maybe I'm cynical - but this is MY Gram they're talking about and she is not going to be shoved off into some corner to die.I'm also in something of a psychotic rage because a few weeks ago, Gram had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She hit her buzzer over and over again - 3 hours later, someone finally came. She soiled herself in the meantime. In the course of cleaning her up, the attendent slammed her into the wall as they yanked the sheets out from under her. The facility (convienently) can't determine who exactly did this because the hall cameras weren't positioned well enough to see who went in and out of her room!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!She ended up with a bruised wrist, arm & shoulder. UNACCEPTABLE!!So yeah, I'm ready to get her out of there and into a loving environment with two of her grandkids who adore her.
I know that I would take in my husbands relatives if I got along with them or they had been nice to me and even if they hadn't i'd probably take them in if they had no where else to go.
right now I am taking care of my elderly amom. I am happy to do it and I know that it will be one of the most precious times of my life. I also feel as if something has clicked in my life....like I secretly hope that my amom is thanking her lucky stars that she adopted me because aren't I coming in handy now....:) I know childish.
So, what do you think? Would you be willing to take this responsibility on? How would you respond to some of those comments? And more generally - what do you feel is your responsibility to the "older generation" in your family? Have you given any thought to how your family will care for the senior members?__________________I don't think you are crazy. I think you are a lovely person. Many years ago, circumstances brought my husbands grandmother to our care. She didn't live with us per se but she did stay from 7 a.m - 9p.m. with me. It was hard, doggone hard but i couldn't imagine NOT helping because i knew that if it was my grandmother he would be the first to say "come live with us" which he proved when my dad died and my mom needed round the clock care. My mom was paralyzed and only lived with us a month after my dad passed before joining him but i wouldn't take anything for that one month. She gave me so much during my lifetime that nothing i could ever do for her would come close. Yes, well meaning friends thought i was nuts, even my sister had stupid things to say when she came by and saw that i had slept in the floor by my mother's bed (she couldn't talk very loud and i was afraid i wouldn't hear her) but you know, follow your heart and let the naysayers live with their own decisions. By the way, how is gram?
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