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[font=Century Gothic]:) We are just elated! Our pbmom told us two weeks ago she chose my husband and I to adopt her son!!!! Baby's due in May and we are spending time each week w/her getting to know her. She has asked me to be her coach and will be attending birthing classes in a couple of weeks. My husband has a better connection with her, go figure! They both like fast cars, same type music, etc. and I believe that connection is what made her choose us as parents.[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]I have read several of the last postings on just what an open adoption means. My only wish was that there was someone saying "This is the way to go". Every person, situation, child, feelings are different so I know that's not realistic. [/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]We have decided on an open adoption. She wants to see him grow up. We have asked how she felt she would react to a situation she didn't herself believe was right. Fortunatly, she told us that she knew & accepted that WE are his parents and she wouldn't have any rights to step in. I'm hoping I won't have jealousy issues in the future -- my son looking at this woman who actually gave him life. I will have to find a way to deal with whatever jealousy arises on my part. (Bfather denies paternity and has no involvement nor wants any.) We haven't "ironed out" exactly how many visits, when, etc. I don't believe we can plan out the rest of our lives on a piece of paper like that. I believe that as long as the contact is condusive to his age and isn't confusing him, we'll be fine. If problems arise, we'll deal with them at that time. [/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]My husband is unsure of how much contact he's comfortable with after the 1st year or so. I believe that as long we are respected as his parents, continued contact will be welcome. Not all members of my family believe in the open adoption. They are of the belief that once she gives the baby up for adoption that there should be no contact until he's old enough to decide for himself. I'm not a fan of that idea. Here's why. . . . let me know what you think.[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]My parents divorced when I was 6. My dad remarried when I was 8 and my brother was 5. Two weeks later my brother and I went to live w/dad & mom (yes I call her that). I took the separation/divorce and such extremely hard. It wasn't until I was about 13 that my real mom finally had to sit down and say "It wouldn't matter if step-mom died. Me and your dad will never live together again." In my mind, I was responsible for everyone being happy. This is a problem I still deal with today -- making everyone happy no matter how it makes me feel. Talk about issues!!!![/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]If our son knows his birth family at a young age, he won't know any different. This will be just how his family is and won't question anyone's love or feel he's responsible to make everyone happy. I KNEW different. I had two parents, then one, then two, then three!! Therefore, I don't feel right in comparing my situation to my son's. I don't want him to have the torn, responsible feeling I had.[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]I don't feel that, if handled correctly, contact and knowledge would or could even be detrimental to anyone. I'm not saying that I want visits every week/month, scheduled visits, phone calls, etc. I don't want unexpected visits, unsolicited advise or "scoldings" if bfamily didn't approve. After all, WE ARE his parents regardless of how we got there. I honestly would prefer letters/e-mails/pictures until he's old enough to make his own choices. Yes, it would make "my" life easier. Yes, part of me wants to have him to myself and not sharing him with another mother. I'm just not convinced that the absence of knowledge or presence would best for our son. [/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]That's what's important here -- the child. He will have "extended family" whether we want him to or not. Wouldn't it be easier and better for him emotionally to know from the start? Wouldn't it actually be easier for us, as his parents, to embrace this early on instead of having the resentful feelings of his interest later?[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]As much as it hurts, though, I have to respect that not all of my family will embrace this relationship. :( I also have to be prepared to agree to disagree with the one woman who taught by example that you don't have to give birth to love a child. I'm not comfortable being on opposite sides. She is the one woman I would most like to be like as a parent. [/font][font=Century Gothic][/font] [font=Century Gothic]Sorry if it seems like I rambled too long. . . .typed as my thoughts came to me. Amoms/dad, Bmoms/dads -- what do you think? Do skeptical family members ever "come around"?[/font][font=Century Gothic][/font]
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GAMom2B
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[font=Century Gothic]My husband is unsure of how much contact he's comfortable with after the 1st year or so.
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My sister placed her duaghter adoptively when she was 16 years old. They decided on five visits the first year and four each year after. My sister knowing she had the right to visit made not visiting easier for her. The first year she visited twice. The second year 3 times, third year 6 times, fourth year 3 times, we're up to the seventh year and she has visited just once. My neice isn't confused. Seeing my sister is very reassuring to her. They are like friends not mother daughter. Last year my neice got my sister an ornament for Christmas that she could record her voice on. Her mom told her she could record whatever she wanted and without thinking said, "I love you Birthmom; I'll never forget you!" It was so precious and authentic. I hope her mom has never been jealous because they are great people and we really do regard them as part of our clan after all they were entrusted with our family member/piece of our hearts and we've never thought of my sister's role as Birthmom as more important in my neices life; infact it's the opposite. As an Amom myself I'll tell you that it's best to make a smaller number of visits then you actually think you can handle. If you think you can do three visits a year make it officially for two, but verbally reassure her that you're open for more. It all just depends and things change. And of course promise all the pictures she can handle; I love new pictures of my niece!:flower: (Just don't promise them monthly.) And CONGRATULATIONS!!!