Adopting...the family?

I think you'll find a host of parents on here in favor of open adoption. There are a lot of opinions that it's better for the child to be in an open adoption. I always recommend that you be open to all the possible options, and then in the end, you need to do what feels right for your family. Not every adoption is open and really the term OPEN is very broad. Each family and birth family decide what level of openness works for them. Some feel like part of each others families and do the vacations or a lot of visitations etc. Some do not. Some maybe visit once a year and exchange letters/pics. There are also semi open arrangements, where you might never visit, but the lines of communication remain open. Maybe you'll exchange 4 updates/pictures a year etc. Whatever the arrangement people make is because that arrangement works for them personally. I think too, you have to remember, that even as big as the membership here on the site is, it's still a small number representing the adoption community as a whole. I really believe that there are people all over the nation that fit each type of comfort level in how open or closed their adoption is. So learn all you can, take what you can get from the suggestions, and in the end, you do what you are comfortable with. I entered into a closed adoption because that was what I wanted. The thought of an open adoption terrified me, because at the time, I thought it meant "co-parenting" and I certainly did not want that. I've learned a lot since those early days though, and realize that I had been misinformed on a lot of things. I've learned that everyone makes the arrangement that works best for them and just because Sally has a completely open arrangement where they vacation once a year, does not mean that Joe does. etc. There are no set rules in this world of adoption.:) And one of the cons of closed adoptions (at least in my experience) is that I have a lot of questions about my kids' bfamily. I can't answer my 5 year old's question of what he was like as a baby. I can't confirm with my 8 year old dd that her blonde hair will stay blonde through out her life. I have very little medical information, and sometimes that really scares me. If I had contact with the bfamily, I could answer these questions. Does it mean that I'd want to vacation with them? No, not necessarily. So again, learn what you can and don't be afraid to do what feels right for you and your family. I think it's very possible to enter into something doing what feels best for you while still respecting and honoring others, including the child. And you never know...you might change your mind at some point during the process so allow the door to remain open to possible changes.:) Best of luck to you. Crick

Thanks for the quick reply, I appreciate it. I just checked back over my original post and realised I never stated the most important factor :p: My comfort levels aside, I first and foremost want any child I adopt to feel secure and loved, growing up in the way most beneficial to him or her. In most cases, I believe it's more difficult to provide the above in closed adoptions, so I'm open to open adoption. (No pun intended.) Just not so far as to share cupboard space. Thinking over everything (now that I'm more awake and have had a cuppa ;)), I think what I'm really wondering is: Is it possible to attain the level of contact best for us without hurting the bmum and making her feel rejected? I REALLY don't want that. I can't imagine how it would feel to give up my beloved dogs much less a child! Right now since I'm trying to be very honest here ֖ I'm alternating between feeling possessive over a son/daughter, then guilty when I realise that I'm the one taking the bmum's child away! Where do you find the middle ground? I hurt just thinking about the bmum. That has removed a shadow looming over my head, thank you. I think I'd heard too many "horror stories" about the BP's suddenly deciding they want their child back and I was capitalising on that. Sounds just like my experience in the dog world if you'll pardon the comparison. Now I really believe I was allowing others' concerns to colour my thoughts, because I do know that everyone has different comfort zones. All true. The not knowing would also bother me, especially if a child were to innocently ask questions and my only answer was, 'I don't know.' That wouldn't be fair. There are pros and cons to both forms of adoption but the not knowing would be profoundly difficult. That's on my list of things to consider. That's what I'm doing. :) I'm just trying to learn as much as I can so I make the right decision for all involved. Again, I appreciate your honesty.

Thought I would add my two cents ... We recently adopted a newborn. I found this board after placement and, like you, was/am a bit surprised to see how much people advocate a "very open" adoption and seem to be critical of anyone who wants anything less. But, I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion and many posts I've read are great food for thought. Originally, we were matched with the bmom because we and she wanted a closed adoption. I guess I really didn't want a closed adoption, because we did want all the information she was comfortable giving and to meet her. But, we did not want contact after the adoption. While at the hospital she (nervously) asked if we would send some pictures and letters. We readily agreed. So, looks like we have ourselves an open adoption. But, the phrase can mean a lot of different thing. I don't think I would be comfortable with weekly/daily phone calls or annual vacations. Since being home, I wonder often about how the bmom is doing. So far, though, I haven't thought "oh I wish I had asked that question." Of course, it has only been a couple of months. So, I'm glad I have a way to reach her just in case. We plan to maintain contact with her, if she allows. This board has opened my eyes a bit on the subject. One poster wrote something to the effect that you owe it to your child. Guess I agree with that. While we may have thought we would be uncomfortable with an open adoption, our DS deserves to know what he can about his bio family. We owe it to him to have a semi-open adoption. All that to say, I personally think its okay to be uncomfortable with the idea of a very open adoption and not everyone here will be critical of you if you do not agree to have one. It is possible to have a closed or semi-open adoption. But, IMHO your child will have questions that he/she deserves answers to and you owe it to him/her to get over your discomfort and work out a viable arrangement with the bmom. Just my two cents.

If that level of contact isn't desired by the adoptive family, don't match with an expectant Mother that desires that level of contact. I believe that's what a large majority of the 'beef' that you're talking about occurs with; when a family matches with an Expectant Mother and they both have vastly different ideas of what they want their adoption to be like. Be honest and up front with your intention and then, most likely, no one will enter into the agreement only to be sadly disappointed, uncomfortable or otherwise compromised.:)

LOL! I liked your term "sharing cupboard space"! It reminded me of a close friend. She and her husband went to Central America pick up their adopted son. When they met the young mother (~14 years of age), it was obvious that the adoption choice was being made for her because she was extremely distraught about losing her son. So, my friends decided to adopt the mother too. Now that's openess! They all live together happily on their farm in sunny Southern France. Certainly not for everyone! That said, people should not be critisized for their choice of openess as long as the are honest about what they want. By no means should you attempt to match with an expectant parent who wants a very open adoption and you are not comfortable with that. It is a recipe for hurt for both sides and will hurt the child down the road. When my daughter was pregnant, we had a very bad experience with a couple that seemed perfect to her and said that they wanted a very open adoption. But then they started negotiating for "no contact", and we were told that contact was not normal and that we were being "too demanding". And guess who was the "bad guy" when my daughter said no? Yup, her - another "flaky" bmom who can't seem to make up her mind. I admire you for doing research and coming to terms with what your feelings are. I am sure you will find a happy match. Happy G'Ma

we're one of those that's added a family, but that's not how it started out. At first we were a bit cautious of the open thing with visits and stuff (I tend toward the antisocial, lol). After doing a ton of reading and taking some time to research, talk to others, think, etc, we decided we wanted an open adoption, one with visits would be great. we were matched (briefly before dd was born) with a family that wanted semi open, stuff sent to agency, etc. After talking with us for 2.5 hours at one point and then dd's birth, we were very open, lol. phone numbers, business cards, email addresses, etc all exchanged, saw them several times before we left the state, etc. we've visited them for a week last summer and will hopefully be able to swing another visit this year, with plans to visit once a year at least. start with your minimum comfort level. if something else is going to happen, it will naturally happen. don't push something you're not comfortable with, but take the time to find out your comfort level. so many times we're in a hurry to adopt, but taking a month or whatever to think it thru, read a few books and make an informed decision, is worth that time! btw, it's usually when you meet and see each other that the relationship starts to change. it may always be open or semi open, whatever, but that baby's appearance makes everyone feel differently. dd's bfamily wasn't sure they wanted to see dd, feeling it would be too hard to "let go". dd's born and boom, everyone's in the room holding her and cuddling with her. that changed their minds about what they wanted, but they were cautious, not wanting to overstep their bounds. I encouraged them to get as close as they felt, we were happy with that. So don't worry about bfamilies all of a sudden wanting to cling to you etc, they'll most likely be respectful and amazed at the process too. I suspect dd's family would have been happy with a phone call once a year and photos 4x a year, but they love the photos every month or two and phone calls several times a year. they wanted to play it by my rules. just make sure you know to the best of your abilities, what your minimum comfort level is. then you can be matched with someone who has the same. Sometimes like in our case bfamilies initially want less contact then afamilies, but that can change on both parts. I know there are some that are not so interested in the type of open adoption that we have and that's just fine. I think it's knowing where your comfort level is that determines whether a match will work for the long-term. Hey, I'm stressed taking dd to any visits once a month! we don't even see my sis that often and she lives 2 hrs a way, lol. do what's comfortable for you but take the time to determine what that is. good luck! lisa

I must echo the responses that say not to enter into an open commitment with a birth family if it is more than you want. I really do think that is the struggle that you see in many of the posts here... people feeling that there isn't a commitment to the initial agreement. You can only do what you are comfortable with...that is your reality and in the end, it will be best for all involved as fewer promises will be broken if all expectations regarding your relationship are up front. That said, I have to comment you for taking the time and energy to think this through before entering into an adoption situation. Like you, DH and I were very leary of open adoption in the beginning, when we started considering adoption as an option. As we went through the various scenarios of how our family would be built, all of them fell away for one reason or another, except a domestic adoption of a newborn. And it really scared us because in our province, there is not such thing as closed adoption, except for in specific instances when the welfare/safety of the child/families are at stake. What that means is that all records are open and it it upto the adopting family and birth family to work through how "open" they want their relationship to be. We, like you, were concerned about how stable this would make our family. But as time went on and we read about open adoption, as we became more educated through our agency workshops, and through discussions with other families formed through adoption as well as those families who had placed a child in an adopting family, well, it became more and more a possibility. And here's a few ways of thinking that helped us understand at least a little of these kind of "extended" relationships that open adoption might bring. First, I love my DH who is not biologically related to me. He was connected to his family alone for 43 years before we met (yeah, we're late bloomers, lol!). Would I limit contact with the people from whom he came because he was now MY husband. No... that wouldn't be the most loving thing, at least in my mind, for him. I suppose if I were to take this thinking far enough, I would say that I had the "right" to do that, since the marriage relationship trumps any biological bonds. But I wouldn't/couldn't take him away from people that are a part of who he is. Nor would I want to. In that case, in raising a child not biologically related to me, why would I do that to them? Why would I want to cut them off from the very people from whom they came? Would it be the right things to do? Of course, it might seem easier at times, not to have those relationships and the stress of them, but in the long run, we thought it would be worth the effort to be open about it. Another reason... I have 19 amazing nieces and nephews (and another on the way, yahoo!). WIth each of them, I would be willing to give life or limb if need be to keep them safe and happy. I can't imagine the sadness and pain I would feel if I knew I could never see them again. And I'm "just" their aunt. It gave me a very tiny glimpse into the pain that a woman just giving birth might feel if she knew she would never see her child again, ever. I would never, ever say that I know how a birthmother feels, ever, but if I felt that for my nieces and nephews, what would a birthmother be feeling? Not only that, but I have a niece I've never met. Her first mother, my SIL, placed her in a closed adoption 25 years ago. That's the way it was done back then. And still, this many years later, the pain and sadness my SIL feels for not knowing her DD, much less whether or not her DD is alive and well, I feel so strongly that I wouldn't want to be even the slightest cause of someone's else's pain that way. Therefore, openness had to be a part of the equation. Another thing... I've experienced the amazing love from being a part of families who have taken me in as one of their own. During my 20's I became "like a sister/cousin" to a huge family. I was single and they made me one of their "own" since I lived away from my family. Then later, in grad school, I lived with a family who I learned I have more in common with than many of my bio family. They are "extended" family to me. In other words, I really came to see that you can't have too many people to love you. I want that for my DD. She has lots of "pseudo" grandparents/aunts/uncles... she has my family, Hubby's family and she has her birth family, all who love her and want the best for her. Does it get any better than that? And one last thing... I couldn't believe how my feelings solidified once we met and got to know Bug's first family. Although I would say we don't have lots in common when it comes to lifestyle/faith, etc. we have one thing in common... our love for our girl. To tell you the truth, we are the ones who beg for contact. It actually surprises me how much I wish I knew more, could be in more contact with them. I genuinely care about what happens to them, how they are doing. And I hope the relationship stays open and healthy for a lifetime. Whew... got long winded... sorry... it really is a matter of knowing yourself, what you are willing to be a part of and then making it work. I think it is such a personal decision and I would never criticize someone for wanting something different. Just be upfront about it. An open relationship is not always easy, not always rosy. But it is what we are committed to and it means alot to all of us. YOu have to find out what your bottom line is...what you can live with. THen, go from there. You might surprise yourself. Best of everything to you as you explore your options...

Now reading your second post, I see you are farther along the thinking process than I thought... you are on your way to finding that "common ground" where you and a first family could make the best place for your child. I had to LOL at the "sharing cupboard space" comment... in my original post to you I used a loose comparison about DH and HIS family. Love my MIL , but as you said I wouldn't want to "share cupboard space" with her. Openness is not about living together although I know there are some who find frequent contact comforting and beneficial. In the end, you have to make peace with an arrangement you can all live with.

Wow, I never anticipated so many replies, and so thorough patient with me, too. ;) I'll try to address everyone is a single post so I take up less space. I agree, it's not fair for the child to know nothing of his history. Don't laugh at me too much, but I first realised that whilst watching a Lois & Clark episode in the '90s on the telly. Clark was frustrated about not knowing where he came from and wondered about it all the time. I'd hate for my child to go through the same agony. I'll find a solution where everyone is happy. As you say, I owe it to my child. Besides, my feelings are probably just nerves about how I'll appear to new people. I'll get over it. Thanks for sharing your experience! Oh, I would DEFINITELY be very clear with my intentions! I would never lead a bmum on with false promises; that would be cruel. My father did that to me and my mother throughout my childhood, it's not something I want to emulate. That's why I'm learning everything I can and evaluating things now, so that there will be no confusion or disappointment when I'm actually ready to adopt. Up front all the way. Thanks for you input. :) As I said to Jenna, I will be absolutely honest and up front about my intentions. I would not want to cause disappointment or hurt feelings in anyone, that would be awful. I'm sorry those people treated your daughter with such disrespect, that's terrible. I hope you all found a better offer. Thank you very much, I try. :) I appreciate your comments. That's what I'm doing. :) I'm reading and researching all areas, so that when it is actually time to commit to something, I'll make a decision with all the necessary knowledge. I've got a very long pro and con list for each type of adoption going right now. Everything is being considered. I think it's wonderful that both of your families arrived at a place that suits everyone. Whilst it may not work for every person, it's ideal for you and that's what matters. I'm setting up hypothetical situations in my mind, asking myself how I'd handle this or that, and I'm forming a vague image of what my expectations are and what a child will require. Definitely a lot to consider. Thanks for your time! That is quite a story you have, thank you for sharing it with me! Exploring my options is what I'm doing. "Leave no stone unturned" that's me. By the time I'm through, I should be an expert, lol! But I well know how quickly things can change. I think what I've discovered is that I was apprehensive about how to approach the bmum. Like another poster said earlier, would she be co-parenting? Or judge how well I was doing? Something like that. Anyway, there's time enough to find a solution that fits all before entering into a commitment. I appreciate your marriage analogy, that was a good one. Thank you! As you said, I'll find an arrangement best for all. I'm nothing if not a problem solver. Again, thanks to all! Hearing everyone's stories helps my uneasy feelings. I hope I'm being clear enough about the areas I feel uncomfortable so that I can find a solution. Question: What has all of your relationships with your adoptive/birth families been like through open, semi-open and closed adoptions? If you don't mind sharing, that is. Both birthmum and amum points of view would be welcomed. Trying to get perspectives on all sides. One off topic question: What on earth do "DH," "DS" and "DD" stand for? I understand they imply husband, daughter, etc, but what's the exact meaning? I finally figured out PM, but only because it's at the top of my login screen. :o

D stands for "darling" (well, most of the time...)

I have an open adoption with my daughter's bmom. We live thousands of miles apart. But we do communicate by phone. We also send pictures, letter and cards (vice versa). My daughter is now 15 months old. Dee (bmom) has slowed down the level of communication quite a bit. But she is in therapy now. She felt it was getting unhealthy for her to continue with the amount of contact we had (on her end). I am fine with this. I respect how she feels. There are no set rules. I know where to find her. She knows where to find me. She has her life, as I do mine. Although she has stepped back tremendously, the door is always open for her to walk back in. :)

Adee, I am a birthmom that chose semi-open adoption. one reason cuz it would be too painful to see my birthdaughter all the time and also it would be too painful to not see or get pictures at all! Birthparents choose families that they think would be right for them. if the birth parents want a closed adoption they will pick a family that also wants a closed adoption. if the birthparents want an open adoption they will pick a family that want an open adoption and go from there. thats what i konw and are my thoughts:flower:

Vera19, Wonderful post and true for many birth parents I think. Happy G'Ma

Hi Adee,Welcome!!!! I really like your posts. Your concern about adopting the family, that feeling can happen. We met with bparents and their families during the match. It was wonderful, for us. I still have contact with the bfather's mother and aunt over email. And just recently started emailing with bmom (we talk on the phone usually). The level of contact has slowed down since DD was born. I would be lying if I said that the level of contact isn't overwhelming at times, however, I think it is due to the newness (is that a word?) of our relationship and trying to figure out the balance that works for us. I went through much of the same emotions when I met DH and struggled to know where I fit for him, etc. I agree with the posters above who say to figure out what level of openness you'd be open to, and let your agency/adoption atty/facilitator know what you're open to, and their job is to match you with an expectant mother/family who would want the same kind of openness. There really is the right match out there for everyone. We're off to see the bfamily Monday for a barbecue. It should be a good time. I am a little nervous.. but not to see them, more of calling myself or dh mommy and daddy in front of them for the first time. But we'll get through it. ;-) Good luck in your process!