jealous/selfish

I'm not an adoptee in the same way you are but my parents were divorced when I was 6 and I grew up with my mom and step dad. When I was 11 my dad had another child with his girlfriend. She is now 16 and at times I can't help but feel angry at my Dad. He isn't the best dad to her...he pretty much buys her love and gives her everything she wants. When he never payed child support to help us out and rarely bought us anything. It wasn't till we were grown that he started giving us money on special ocassions and even then I felt wierd taking it because i felt he was trying to buy my love as well and how could any money make up for the Dad that he choose not to be to me. Also as I was growing up he was an alchoholic and drug user and smoker. He never held a real job because then he would have been forced to pay child support. Instead he spent a lot of his time homeless on the streets. When his other daughter was about 4 she was taken into DHS custody and he has since changed his life around quite a bit. He's held a good job for many years and stopped drinking/drugs/smoking and all that. He still isn't the best Dad to her....but at least he is trying. At times I become so jealous that he made that change in his life for her....but not me and my older sister. It's not that I wanted to be raised by him....it's more the feelings of abandonment and feeling like we weren't good enough for him to change his life around and be a father to us. Yet my half sister(who I love dearly was). Over the years I've just come to appreciate the family I did have growing up. The father that loved us and supported us and was there for us all the times we were growing up....and still to this day if I need encouragement or anything it's him I look to because he was my true father. It's him that really makes me realize(with my 4 adopted children) that even though We are not genetiacally connected to them we will always be there Mom and Dad. I hope you can work past those feelings(because they really won't get you anywhere....I know) and think of how your life has been blessed because of the the family you were raised in. All the experiences and relationships teachings you were taught that made you the beautiful person you are today.

Hi Leah, I can relate to what you are saying. When I found my bmum I found out she was pregnant and married 9 months after I was adopted. I felt how could she have done that 9 months after I was born and not at that time. She was 17 and my bfather was 19 (I havent searched for him yet and I dont really know I feel about that at the moment). He proposed but she was too young and needed her parents permission which she would never get. But 9 months later she was pregnant again and kept this baby, another daughter (we dont have the same father like you and your sister). What really upsets me is that my bsister never treated my bmum with any respect and she was kept and raised by her. When I met my bsister for the first time she told me how she had grown up with an identity crisis, do you believe that.. I am trying to work things through with my bmum but have a hard time getting over my feelings about the 9 months.. If you have a good relationship with your sister and you love her thats great. I would have loved that but my bsister was too selfish, my bmum and I were'nt given any time at the start to get to know each other and I think thats why we are still struggling. Hope you can work through your feelings, I think its great you can connect with her.

I know how you feel. I grew up an only child. I hated it! I always knew that my mum had children before me and I always felt cheated that I did not know my siblings. Then I found out that she had children after me!! I always wanted little brothers and sisters. I feel jealous (I know I shouldn't) and angry that she saw fit to keep them but she handed me over like it was nothing and still claims to feel nothing !!

not to feel jealous of the children that were kept. I am having a really hard time with my sister. She got to stay and i didnt. SHE wishes she was me and had the life that i had growing up. my bmom got married at 16 the year after she had me and i couldnt wrap my brain around the idea that my bgramma let her get married but didnt let her keep me. I have since forgiven my bgramma and am glad that i did because i lost her 4/27/06.

Thanks guys, so nice (not the situation) to hear that I'm not the only one feeling so................annoyed and a little selfish(not implying that any of us actually are selfish, that's how I feel sometimes)Hope everyone's situations get good, or better. Leah

My daughter has three older full blooded siblings. My husband & I spent a week in California (where she was born) spending time with her bfamily. Before we left, her two brothers (who were 14 & 11 at the time) secretly pulled us aside. They thanked us profusely for adopting their baby sister. They were so happy & relieved that she would not have to live the lives they had. They sort of "joked" and asked if they could be adopted by us too. We were so sad for them (sigh). But you see, it goes both ways.

My b-mom had me at 15 and was told in no uncertain terms to get over any idea of keeping me. At 28 she had my sister. Her only other child. Am I jealouse of her, No and yes... No because I had a really good life in many respects. Yes, because my half sister is so secure in who she is and has never had to have that feeling of wondering who her mom is. They are connected in a way I have never connected to either mother...My adopted life was good but, not perfect and I look ta the things my sister will never go through and it anger's me... I do not think there is a way around it sometime's...Some things just are. Ang-

I don't know if this will help but when my children were born we were overseas and my mother only got a few glimpses of them when we visited for a week. I sort of felt cheated too. Then my brother got married and living so close, my parents , of course, spent from infancy up with them. By the way, when we returned to live in our own country it was far away from them. Yeah, I was jealous, but, then I thought of my poor Mother being deprived of that experience and I started to be greatful for my brother and family being so close, so she didn't miss out completely.If she could not have my children and that experience, my brother could give her that. Then, when I talked to her about various things, I knew she understood having gone through it with my brother and his family. Hope this helps.dcma

Thanks again for your stories and views.I must say that there was nothing terrible about my adoptive family or the way I grew up, I just keep forgetting the good stuff. I have decided that I'm not going to stress myself with things I can't change or control. Whilst I will always feel something when dealing with adoption issues, I really need to focus on remembering that life's not as bad as I usually make it out to be and if all else fails I have a great adoptive family. Thank you all so much, hope all your situations turn out well. Leah

As I prepare to visit my birth father for the first time this Tuesday I am experiencing all these emotions I previously never would allow myself to think about. My brothers led the life I always thought I wanted but realize now that in some ways, it wasn't so bad that I had the life I had. I've always had to work since I was a teen, no cars or allowances were ever given to me and I have worked hard and earned based on my own merit. That's something to be pretty darned proud of. leah79 is right. We sometimes forget the good stuff and want to focus on what we didn't have. As my "new" grandmother and I talk (she never knew about me) we have to constantly remind each other that the past is the past and we can't change it, but we can make it more memorable from the day we made contact!

I found my bfamily last month and was told on my nonid that bmom and bdad were married but, seperated he was in Viet Nam and I had 3 older siblings. Bmom didn't see how she could raise another child in those circumstances. Well guess what I found bmom/bdad were divorced 3 years after I was born. The brother born before me was adopted out too. So she didn't really have 3 other children to raise only two. She said she wanted to keep me but, she couldn't get welfare and all blah blah blah. Turns out older brother and sister had it pretty good with bdad in the summers they were spoiled to death and bmom still spoils sister. She is jealous of me and doesn't want my bfamily to have anything to do w/ me. So to apease her my bmom only calls when she is not home. I feel pretty rejected by this. I only really talk to my bbrother. Yeah, I feel pretty angry and jealous that I didn't have all the advantages they did and I turned out okay bsister is a total loser no job and on drugs and all. At least I wasn't the only child in the family to be hand picked to leave. Found out bfather had another daughter w/new wife and they even adopted a son too. Talk about feeling hurt and jealous. It's like we don't want you will adopt another child. I'm pretty hurt by this new family discovery. I had alright aparents but, they could have been more loving and supportive of me growing up. I know exactly how you feel and there is nothing wrong with it we were not asked to be born or adopted it just happened.:hissy: