Advertisements
Hi,
I am 19 and am in my third month of an unplanned pregnancy. Abortion was never an option for me, as I'm pro-life. However I'm still struggling with whether to keep the baby or give it up. My first instinct was that I had to keep it, because I love children and I can't imagine giving my child to someone else after carrying it around inside me for nine months. My heart tells me to keep it, but logic tells me I cant because I am off to university and I'm so young and the father isn't involved, I don't have any money, all the usual. When I told my mom, however, she said there's no way we're giving the child up and offered to let the child live in her house for four years while I go to school and she would look after it , along with a part-time nanny, and I can come visit on the weekends. At first this seemed like a dream come true but now as time goes on I'm not so sure. First of all you have to know that when my mom was 16 she became pregnant and was forced to give up the child for adoption.. she didnt have a choice in the matter, and when she says things like she is jealous of me and the fact that she's more excited than I am, it makes me nervous that she just wants this child in order to fulfill her own fantasy of getting to raise a child right from birth (you see, after her first child, she couldnt give birth again and she adopted me)... she's an extremely controlling woman, and I'm scared because this is MY child and not hers. She is a great mom, its just that our ideas on parenting are completely different. I'm also worried that the child will get confused and bond with her too much and never get close to me. What happens after I'm done university and I have to take him or her with me, what if he or she hasnt bonded with me and gets mad at me for taking them away from their primary care giver? My mom insures me that she will always tell the child she is not it's mom, but that doesnt matter because mom is just a name designation! I'm really worried... I have a little brother who is four years old and he has already done all of his bonding... he runs to his mom (my step mom) whenever something happens instantly because she is his primary caregiver... so I cant help but realize that MY child is not going to be coming to me, he or she will be running to my mom!
Can someone please throw in their two cents? I'm really stressing over this? Not to mention the father doesnt want anything to do with it... I grew up with a really unstable family... my mom married six times and I really dont want my kid having a dysfunctional family like I did. I just want to do what is best for my child, not confuse him or her or make him/her resent me for the rest of their life. I don't have the best relationship with my mom and don't agree with any of her lifestyle choices, either, eg drinking too much, working too much, being too controlling, being too materialistic and narcissistic, etc. Might it be too hard for me to lend my kid to her during the most important years? Will it be a huge strain on our relationship?
Help!
Like
Share
My daughter has an 11-month old son and lives with me and her dad. She works and is goes to college part time. Her son definitely knows who "Mum-Mum" is. They adore each other. But that is because she gets up at night with him, takes care of him when he is sick, packs him up for day-care every day when she heads off to school or work, cleans up his mess, and buys all of his food, diapers, and clothes. She also is willing to listen when we think she is "off track". Are you prepared to do that? My husband and I pay her car insurance, baby sit for free when she is working, help when he is sick, and have converted our empty-nester house into a house with a baby and all of the junk that comes with him. We are also willing to listen when she thinks we are "off-track". Is your Mom prepared to do that? If yes to both, then your child will know who his//her mom is and your mom will be a blissfully happy grandmother. If not yes-yes, then I am not sure the arrangement will work out. We are yes-yes and blissfully happy so it CAN work. I think that you and your mom need to get counseling together and NOT at an agency. Most of them will tell you that you are unworthy of your child which is not true. After all, consider this - you have already chosen life for your child so he/she already knows how much you love him/her. Happy G'Ma
Advertisements
Renegade, First I would like to say Congrats on becoming a Mom, you will always be a Mom whether you parent or place, let no one take that from you. Second, remember that there are no guarantees in life and situations change from time to time.with all of that said....Hi I am Michelle Birthmom to "M" and Mommy to 4 other pretty wondeful kids! I placed my bson in 1990 in what was suppose to be a semi open adoption ( pics and letters) that did happen for the first 7 yrs however and for whatever reason the aparents closed the semi open arraangement almost 9 yrs ago, again no guarantees. I placed my bson because I was young and broke and uninformed! Gosh what I would have done back then to have had someone who could have pointed me in the right direction of how to get help to raise my baby. Research alot about adoption before making your decision and research the help out there for single mommys, it can be done...just 2 short years later I had my 2nd son and was ready financially and emotionally to parent. Remember that adoption is permanent and you will have to make that decision again when you give birth as I believe there is nothing greater than seeing that beautiful baby in your arms. I wish you the very best, I sincerely know how hard this decision is. Please feel free to PM me if you need an ear or a shoulder to lean on;)
Hi,
You seem like you have a wonderful maternal instinct already. You are already saying things like YOU want to bond with your child, not your mother. I think you would make a better parent than you are giving yourself credit for.
That being said, I too am on the fence about adoption. The kind of things I am thinking about are what is best for me and my baby, will I still be able to have contact with my baby and is that what I want, and can I pick the type of family I want raising my baby. To gain these answers, look to your own heart and mind but also seek advice of people you love and trust.
From what I have researched on the topic, adoption used to be shrouded in mystery, with little or no contact from the birth mom. Now, however, things have changed. Sadly, though, I have read many stories of birth moms never getting over their choice or forgiving themselves for it. I am going through this exact same thing,though I am alot older. If you need to talk, PM me.
I want to thank everyone on here for lending their time and making me feel less alone in this. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was shocked, but all the realities of it took a while to set in and some of the issues are still continually presenting themselves after months of knowing I have a baby on the way.
Since I last posted on here, things have changed a lot. I have, first of all, told my dad and his wife about the pregnancy. I have also been going to therapy as much as I can to deal with my issues. My dad's side of the family is much less trying to put their agenda into it, and they are fully supporting me either way. They did say, however, that if I decided to parent that they would help me 100% financially to allow me to both have the child, go to university and have the proper help. This is a very generous offer and I'm glad that, financially, this is an option for me besides lending the baby to my dysfunctional mother while I go to school.
It goes beyond this, however. I finally do understand that no one can really understand this and make this decision but ME, however, I still do value the support and advice from people who have been through it. In therapy, I have been really delving into the issue of whether parenting this child will be good for me emotionally and psychologically, though. You see, I think, on the one hand I would make a great mom and I really have great philosophies and whatnot, everyone thinks I would make a great mom, but no one really knows that I have been suffering from depression and social anxiety for the last five years and before I was pregnant I had been living with bulimia for three years.
I'm not sure if keeping this baby would make this better, or make it worse. A lot of people seem to think it wouldnt be healthy for me, including my therapist, and that therefore it wouldnt be healthy for the baby. The problem is, on this forum I have yet to come across a birthmother who DOES NOT regret their decision... if I make this decision to relinquish, I dont want to regret it. I deserve this to end in somewhat of a peace and happiness, because I was pressured to no end to have an abortion and was determined to stand up for myself and let this end in giving a life, not taking one. I also feel that I really really deserve to fulfill my craving to be part of something greater, because I have been suffering for so long, and that I dont feel I want to "settle down" at all, but I also fearthe idea of handing over a baby when I have not heard of a single bmom who was at peace with their choice...
I also get a lot of scrutiny that considering adoption is the most selfish thing ever, because all my reasons involve me and my psychological health. No one has any idea how much I have suffered in these last years. The last thing I want is to be a selfish person. Is there not a single bmom out there who really does not regret it and is proud of their decision and can live with it without guilt?
There are days I have no guilt and there are days I cry harder than I even thought was possible but the same is true for my sister who at 18 decided to parent her child. In life there are always what ifs and if you let yourself focus on the what ifs then there will be guilt regardless if you choose to parent or make an adoption plan. Only you can make this decision stay true to yourself while you make it and then you will make a decision you can live with and be at peace with. And regardless of which way you decide surround yourself with support you will need it.
Advertisements
renegade
I also get a lot of scrutiny that considering adoption is the most selfish thing ever, because all my reasons involve me and my psychological health. No one has any idea how much I have suffered in these last years. The last thing I want is to be a selfish person. Is there not a single bmom out there who really does not regret it and is proud of their decision and can live with it without guilt?
Yes, there are women out there who do not regret their decision. All of us pretty much regret having to make the decision, but some of us feel good about the decision. I'm not one of those people. It sounds like you are getting therapy that is not connected with an adoption agency, which is GREAT. My advice to you would be to continue with that. I would also second Brenda's opinion that you do not have to settle this question now, before the baby is born. Make arrangements for a temporary place to live and a way to support yourself immediately after your delivery, and THEN make the decision. So much of the regret comes from women whose babies were not "real" to them, and who got locked into the adoption decision before the birth, only to realize after the birth that they wanted to parent. But then it was too late. Don't let that happen to you. Leave your options open until after your baby arrives. You can still find parents for your child after the birth. I wish you luck and much support.
Sounds as though you are on the right track - going to therapy to work on your issues. I am curious - does your therapist know anything about adoption? If not, he/she may not understand that relinquishing a child to adoption has lifelong severe consequences for most women. Relinquishing your child make only make your current problems worse. On the other hand, you should not parent your child unless it is what you really want and unless you are motivated and committed enough to be a good parent. Parenting has its challenges too and some of your issues, unless resolved, will make it tougher. You need to search your heart and decide if you want to parent your baby and are willing to commit yourself to becoming a good parent. Some of the issues you mentioned are serious ones and do need to be addressed. There are many ways of looking at your situation, however, the bottom line is, "Do you want to parent your child? Are you motivated and committed to being a good parent? Can you resolve the issues you have been fighting and be a good parent?" As for birth moms proud of and comfortable with their decision? I am not one either. I will regret my decision till my dying breath. However, my situation was not like yours either. Work on your issues as best you can now and decide after the baby's born. Explore both possibilities, parenting and adoption, but, take your time, don't let anyone pressure you.
renegade
Is there not a single bmom out there who really does not regret it and is proud of their decision and can live with it without guilt?
Advertisements
renegade, im so sorry that you have to deal with all these stresses right now... I hope you're looking after yourself:) You're the one that has to live your life so of course i cant tell you what to do..but what i can say is follow what your heart tells you to do. thats what i would have done if i could go back in time. :wings: *BIG HUGS*:grouphug:
I think you should take the help so some one can watch your baby while you are in school. School hours only. The rest of the time you are with your baby, that way you are the primary care giver. A lot of people struggle with mental health issues, most of them do not adopt their children out. Just the fact that you recognize the issues and are in therapy getting help shows you are willing to work on them, so they won't harm your baby.
renegade
It goes beyond this, however. I finally do understand that no one can really understand this and make this decision but ME, however, I still do value the support and advice from people who have been through it. In therapy, I have been really delving into the issue of whether parenting this child will be good for me emotionally and psychologically, though. You see, I think, on the one hand I would make a great mom and I really have great philosophies and whatnot, everyone thinks I would make a great mom, but no one really knows that I have been suffering from depression and social anxiety for the last five years and before I was pregnant I had been living with bulimia for three years. I'm not sure if keeping this baby would make this better, or make it worse. A lot of people seem to think it wouldnt be healthy for me, including my therapist, and that therefore it wouldnt be healthy for the baby. The problem is, on this forum I have yet to come across a birthmother who DOES NOT regret their decision... if I make this decision to relinquish, I dont want to regret it. I deserve this to end in somewhat of a peace and happiness, because I was pressured to no end to have an abortion and was determined to stand up for myself and let this end in giving a life, not taking one. I also feel that I really really deserve to fulfill my craving to be part of something greater, because I have been suffering for so long, and that I dont feel I want to "settle down" at all, but I also fearthe idea of handing over a baby when I have not heard of a single bmom who was at peace with their choice... I also get a lot of scrutiny that considering adoption is the most selfish thing ever, because all my reasons involve me and my psychological health. No one has any idea how much I have suffered in these last years. The last thing I want is to be a selfish person. Is there not a single bmom out there who really does not regret it and is proud of their decision and can live with it without guilt?
Advertisements
in regard to your concern about placing your child with your mother and then taking him/her back after college----as an attachment specialist, I would strongly advise against this for the child's sake. You are right, that the child would bond with your mother, not with you. If you attempted to then be the mother, your child would be very confused and if taken from your mother as you moved elsewhere, she/he has a strong possibility of becoming a troubled and untrusting child. There are many of these kids in foster care presently due to lost attachments. You sound like a very perceptive person who is trying hard to do the best for her child. If you feel adoption is a good choice for you and want to know the child, choose a family willing to have a very open adoption. That way, your child could conceivably still have you AND your family in his/her life. Good luck with your decision.
Renegade,
I think you are making the right decision by seeking counseling. Placing a baby for adoption and single parenting are both life-long permanent decisions and should be made with great care. Both of our children's birthmoms received counseling and although they regret the situation they were in (unplanned pregnancy) they felt they made the correct decision to place.
M