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I posted earlier this week that birth-grandma sent an Easter card for Bear and signed it from herself, the rest of the family, and "mommie". Most of you agreed that while b-mom will ALWAYS be his birth mother, it was not reall appropriate to continue to refer to her as "mommie". Well, yesterday was Bear's birthday and grandma sent an e-mail saying happy birthday from herself and "mommie". I know that his b-mom is in a lock down drug treatement facility on the other side of the state so this is coming from the grandmother. Our open adoption agreement...which is actually between us and birth mother NOT grandmother...clearly states that she respect OUR role as the parents. Of course by now the open adoption agreement is pretty much nul and void since b-mother has not done anything to comply on her part. For Bear's sake we have allowed his grandmother contact as long as it is in his best interests. Our CW says we need to set clear boundaries at this point because *I* am the "mommie" and it will only confuse him while he is so young. It is not as though we are ever going to hide the fact that he is adopted, and as long as grandmother reels it in, we will continue to have contact. But, how should we word it? We have e-mail contact with her. I should also mention tha tshe is bi-polar and has an anger issue...both of which make me wonder if putting her in her place will set her off and make us want to cease contact anyway. As I said in an earlier post, she calls DH "dad", but me by my name when she is *talking* to Bear.
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Don't let the grandmothers personal issues come between you and your family. You can't control what she will say or how she will react or feel but you can be firm and kind and let them know some ground rules for contact. If they can't respect you as your childs Mother than they are diresepecting the child as well and their presence in your kids lives should be re-evaluated.
I think that is part of the problem...we never talked about what she would be called. I think it was because bmom only signed the agreement in the hopes that her own mother would let her come back home to live if she continued contact with Bear. See, she too is a minor and was in foster care with Bear when she chose for him to be adopted. Because grandmother would not allow her to move back home she has continued to run away from every home she has been in. It was only when they actually were able to catch up with her at one poitn that she signed the agreement and relinquishment papers. I am just wondering if contact really is the best thing at this point.
Maybe you should tell her your son thanked YOU since the card had "mommy" on it. (and say it in a non-confrontational way...kwim?) Then try to politely establish what to call his firstmother... do you talk about his birthmother with him at all (show him pictures, etc,)? Maybe he could lead the way with a name to call her.
Sorry, I didn't read the previous thread, I just do think she is setting herself up for confrontation if you repress your feelings and let your hurt build up.
Good luck,
D.
I agree with "Mom2GRLC". Your role as your child's PARENTS needs to be respected. You are "mothering" your child. I believe this is birth grandmother's way of holding on, her last little bit of "control" per se to keep using the "mommie" term to you and your family. I think it is inappropriate and that you should gently, but in no uncertain terms, let her know that you are mommy and that your openness agreement is with birthmother and you have gone beyond that to include grandmother but if she cannot use appropriate language that will not serve to confuse your son, you can end your openness with her at your discretion. Good luck! I know from experience how difficult this can be.
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