ethical dilemma

Marc-Andre, I'm glad that you posted and let us know what's been going on. That is really discouraging if maybe this woman is not your bgrandmother. You really need to know if your bmother is living or not. You need the help of a social agency or a search angel. You did well to call this lady, I know it was hard for you to do. Did she sound nice? Did she ask you to make any further contact with her? I mean, one way to know if her daughter was your mother is to have some DNA testing done with this lady and find out if she IS your grandmother. You can get kits. Check it out on the internet. It might be the beginning of a very special relationship and if her daughter was your mother she could tell you about her and give you pictures. Have you ever seen her picture? I know that tonight you feel a bit empty and discouraged and that's understandable but after you think about it some more I hope you'll be ready to continue trying to find something out. Don't give up now!! It is uncanny how this woman had a daughter, Rosemary who had a son that she relinquished, don't you think? Keep in touch and best of luck to you, Audrey

When my bson found me on the net.. When we first communicated.. the names were wrong.. He had been given incorrect information.. I do not know from whom.. Don't give up.. be a detective.. You have an absolute right to get to the bottom of this.. That other person may be the one that is or was wrong.. Was following a false lead.. Jackie

I must explain that the detailed information ( my birthmom's name and birthdate) was given to me from a sort of home for unwed mothers or something like that in Ottawa called St-Marys. That was on my non-identifying info, so one day i just decided to explore that avenue. I did get a response, sent in all my info and they said everything matched ( date of birth, name etc...) EXCEPT the hospital was not the same. I was born at a different one and when i asked for explanations, they could only say that its the only baby born on that day ( january 27th) who'se mother also had been to St-Mary's home. Very confusing, i have a feeling there might have been mix-ups. The lady on the phone sounded real nice, and i made sure to be very caring and i appologized several times for bothering her. If my birthmom did have another baby before or after me ( more likely after me) and was placed for adoption, i wonder why it would not have been mentionned. I know i have a half-brother ( according to the non-identifying info) from my birthfather's side. I was thinking of writing a letter and sending a baby picture and detailed information) to the woman i called today. But i'm concerned that i might have rocked the boat too much... Right now i feel more like i need to straighten things out. I'm sad that i might never be able to say Thank you, and it actually hit me today that for once in my life i really hope there is a Heaven. Sorry i didn't mean to get all religious, but i was surprised by that thought. I have a great life, great family and friends and a solid education and work life, so i don't want to make it sound like i'm on the edge of a breakdown or something, but i guess its a little sadness, melancholy perhaps. Anyway, it feels good to write down these thoughts, and am glad that some take the time to read it. Part of me, call it a gut instinct, believes that the info until it is confirmed and the questions marks are answered, i don't think i should get all depressed just yet. Thanks for listening :wings: Marc-Andr Mongeon 1982-01-27 Ottawa, Ontario

M-A..that is pretty sad news, if it is correct. I hope that you and the possible g-ma can speak again and as mentioned, maybe exchange some photographs that might be of a help. As I understand it, quite often information got messed up; not sure if it was intentional or not. She may nave had another child or his info was messed up..It seems that maybe that would be worthwhile to pursue, just in case you do have otehr family out there. I really can't imagine what that felt like to hear that she has passed...I'm with you..hoping there is a heaven...

Dear Marc-Andre, Thank you for your update . I too am sorry for this situation you find yourself in. I stand w/ you along w/ your other friends here on the forum as you try to figure this all out . Is there any chance the Adoption Disclosure Registry in Toronto will confirm or deny your possible biological connections to this particular family? They helped me when I thought I had found my son . They would not give me any specific information per say except they did tell me very clearly that the adopted male I was in contact with was NOT my son. I did not believe them and contacted the Children's Aid Society in Ottawa . They confirmed what the ADR had told me.They have the original records and relinguishment papers on hand at both sites. Sometimes errors were purposefully made so as to confound future search efforts. It sounds like you have your original birth name . Do you trust the veracity of the info you have?As you know the original birth certificates will be made avaiable in Ontario, Fall of 2007....a long time to live w/ such a puzzle I know. What about a search angel in Ottawa to help you? You are in my thoughts . vicky

Hmm maybe i should contact the children'S aid society and see what information i might get. I don't really want to go throught a search angel, not sure there are any in Ottawa or Ontario, and somehow it feels like stalking or invading privacy ( no disrespect intended at all to those who have used such services) and it doesn'T feel right for me to do so. So far i have no reason to believe my non-identifying info would be incorrect, but after yesterday i'm not so sure. I can only hope if the info is indeed incorrect that iwas just an honest mistake. I can't imagine information being deliberately "doctored". In the end i have a feeling i may have to wait till Fall of 2007 when Ontario releases the original birth certificates. I feel awful because the women i talked to yesterday seems to be elderly and i would hate to place her in an akward position like this. I'll keep posting whatever happens. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Dear Marc-Andre, The ADR and the CAS have rarely given me any info (excluding non-id info) except for the situation where I was convinced that I had found my son (I have contacted them at least 2 x a year for last 20 yrs).But when I told them that I was in phone contact w/ a person who I was convinced was my son. ie I told them my story, they willingly told me he was not . So perhaps they may be able to help you in this way. Yes there are search angels in Ottawa . One here on the forum. And my understanding is that they help you get info thru record searches as opposed to contacting people directly...they leave that up to you. When you spoke to that person on the phone who you thought might be your bio-grandmother , did you get a sense she was interested in being in contact w/ her grandson?

If its a record search i may be more inclined to persue it in that way. When i talked to the woman on the phone i could tell she might be interested in finding out about her grandson, after all she did bring it up herself that she had a grandson out there she never knew. At first i thought she was talking about me possibly, but then added that he had talked to her three years ago ( also from Ottawa), which obviously wasn't me. I know the ADR from Ontario won't do any search or give extra information until october 2007 ( according to their website) so i may have to send a letter to this woman with pictures ( a baby one and a current one) with info and see if anything sounds familiar. I figure that at least i'll know for sure.

Dear Marc-Andre, I think your idea of sending a letter to your posible grandma is a great idea !!!!!Perhaps if you include your info that you have that led you to her she will be able to help you . You have a compassonate heart re other people's need so I suggest that you show her that part of yourself too.If she turns out to be your grandmother she could be a valuable source of info about your mother as well as of value in and of herself as a bio-relative.And you could be of great value to her , I am sure.!!Good luck..will keep you in my prayers. You might enclose a SASE to make it easier to send you a reply. vicky

[font=Comic Sans MS]Marc-Andre, I think you hit a dead end. I think that Rosemary did attend St. Mary's and did have a son, but not you. Rosemary's son found out his birth information and contacted his bgrandma 3 years ago. I think the lady at St. Mary's unintentionally messed up. Could you contact them again and fill them in? Maybe someone else could double check for you.[/font]

The thing i don't understand is that my non-identifying info said that my birthmom, whoever it is, did spend some time at St-Marys and there is only one in Ottawa. this is weird, i feel like i'm in the "denying" stage. I still feel that my birthmom may be alive, but have no proof to believe so. Anyway i will write a letter soon and see where that leads me. I'll give the basic info and see if that sounds familiar. Only other explanation is that someone else in the family had placed a baby for adoption.

[font=Comic Sans MS]The non-identifying information you received from the CAS said that your mother stayed at St. Mary's Home? Did it say St. Mary's by name or a 'home for unwed mothers'? Perhaps she spent some time there and left before birth and didn't keep in touch, therefore St. Mary's wouldn't know your birthdate. While it's true there is only one called St. Mary's, there is/was also Bethany Home. [/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I'm sorry you're feeling so defeated right now. Things will pick up. I think you've got the wrong family.[/font]

M-A, I think 'evildishrag' has a good point....that actually has happened to me.....I was told there was a match but it turned out to be an error. So, double checking with St Mary's sounds like a good idea to me . Errors are easily made . Good Luck,vicky

My thoughts and prayers are with you, keep us posted!Rose:flower:

Evildishrag, to answer your question, yes my non-identifying info from CAS did mention St-Mary's by name ( well it was in french Maison Sainte-Marie) but that is the same place ( that is bilingual). Also a few things seemed to match: my non-identifying info mentionned that my birthmom had just turned 26 when i was born and the info i had from St-Mary's was that Rosemary was born December 24th 1955, which would match the age information i received earlier. So who knows. But tonight ( june 13th) after work i will write a letter to the woman i talked to the other day and just explain why i'm writing and see if any of my non-identifying info sounds familiar. Wish me luck, but she did know about her daughter's pregnancy AND her decision of choosing adoption. apparently they were very close so i'm not concerned too much about secrecy. She did seem interested ( as far as one can tell on the phone that is) in finding her grandson whoever it is. I must admit i'm slightly surprised ( pleasantly however) of the level of support and even mentions of friendship from all that have posted here. I thank you, its well appreciated. I'll keep you posted. This almost feels like a live novel being written on a day-to-day basis. ;)